


Somewhere

by thewayshedreamed



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, MAAS Sarah J. - Works
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Healing, NESSIAN AU, NSFW, POV Cassian (ACoTaR), POV Nesta Archeron, Past Relationship(s), Psychological Trauma, Smut, Song-inspired, Toxic au, Unhealthy Relationships, nessian angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:22:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 53,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27000412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewayshedreamed/pseuds/thewayshedreamed
Summary: This is a Nessian toxic relationship au inspired by the song "Is There Somewhere" by Halsey. (Lyrics in the Notes at the end in case you haven't heard it)Nesta and Cassian dated years ago. Their relationship was passionate in the best and worst of ways, causing them to split just short of a few months together. Ever since, they’ve fallen into a pattern of communicating physically; a true definition of hot-and-cold if there ever was such a thing. They have made attempts to move on, to be with other people, but something has always pulled them right back to each other.Their insistence on each other created quite the toxic dynamic for themselves and the important people in their lives, dismantling relationships and creating secrets that never needed to be. They’re a complete mess, both together and as individuals, but the thought of being without the other seemed impossible.This au follows their sordid affair and their individual healing. Hopefully, it’s not all a day late and a dollar short.Warnings for strong language, toxic relationship dynamics, mentions of infidelity, drug use, alcohol use, and sexual content. NSFW.
Relationships: Cassian (ACoTaR) & Original Character(s), Elain Archeron & Azriel, Elain Archeron/Azriel, Feyre Archeron & Rhysand, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Nesta Archeron & Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Tomas Mandray
Comments: 27
Kudos: 83





	1. Part 1 (Nesta POV)

“Double whiskey, neat,” the bartender announced.

Nesta stared at him, a little unsure of how he knew exactly what she needed at the moment.

Her work had her traveling all over Prythian, and her company’s headquarters was several states away. Her flight had landed the previous day in Velaris, and Feyre had insisted that all of them hang out before she had to leave to go home again. Tonight was the night of said hangout, and she spent the evening laughing with Feyre, Elain, and several of their friends. Around 10PM, she decided her social battery was hanging on by a thread, and it was time to head out. She had full intentions of heading straight to the Knight Hotel, but she needed something to take the edge off and calm her blood before trying to settle into bed. Without a second thought, she had her Lyft driver drop her at Rita’s and plopped herself onto the barstool, exhausted.

“I don’t think that’s mine,” she replied skeptically, “I just sat down.”

She eyed the drink in front of her, already salivating with the desire to feel the familiar burn down her throat.

He raised his hands and shook his head. “Not a mistake, ma'am. It’s from the gentleman across the bar.”

Her gaze shifted ever so slowly over the bartender’s shoulder, scanning the other side of the “U” shaped bar for anyone remotely familiar. Her breath was held captive in her lungs as her eyes landed on the pair of intense, hazel ones across from her.

Cassian sat there, elbows on the bar and hunched over a glass identical to her own. Both of his hands were wrapped around the base of the glass, making the drink look comically small wrapped in his long fingers. He wore a white button down shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows and the first two buttons undone, teasing small glimpses at the tattoos covering his arms and chest. Nesta found herself salivating for a very different reason.

Schooling her face into an expression far more casual than she felt, she lifted her glass in cheers. He mirrored her action, then brought the glass between his perfect lips to take a sip. She realized she was staring, near gawking, and raised her glass to toss back a full sip of her own amber liquid. It was larger than she’d planned, but the strong burn in her mouth and throat was a welcome distraction from her heightened pulse.

Why did he have to be here, in this bar, tonight of all nights? A little over six months had passed since the last time they ran into each other, and quite honestly, things had been going incredibly smoothly for her. But here she was, looking into those eyes that could strip her down to her soul and imagining how his full, plush lips felt ghosting across her neck, her chest, lower.

They had been friends at one time, as little as a couple of years ago. There was that fateful night two winters back when their group of friends had taken a ski trip together and rented a small cabin in the mountains for almost a week. The couples had each decided to go on dates on that particular night, leaving Nesta and Cassian to entertain themselves in the cabin alone.

—

One game of Never Have I Ever, complete with shots of whiskey, and a game of beer pong across the dining room table later, they were both well beyond buzzed. Everything was funny, and the both of them were feeding off of the electricity between them in the room. They were all elbow jabs and hip bumps in the kitchen as they refilled their drinks, purposely getting in each others’ ways in shameless flirtation. At some point, Cassian announced a foot race to the living room, and the both of them took off through the doorway, effectively wedging them within the frame with their shoulders flush. He overpowered her, naturally, and used it to his advantage, throwing himself onto the sofa and cockily throwing his feet up onto the coffee table.

“As the winner, and King of the castle, I get to pick what we do next,” he declared with his drink held in the air.

Nesta let out a whine of indignation, but she tapped her solo cup against his own and plopped next to him on the couch anyway. He pulled a joint from his shirt pocket, lifting his hips to retrieve the lighter from the front pocket of his jeans.

“You mind?” he asked her.

“As long as you share.”

A devilish smirk crossed his face as he lit up. He took his hit, holding it in his lungs as he passed it over to her.

“You didn’t strike me as a stoner, sweetheart.”

She giggled as she exhaled, finding the assumption she’d heard of herself too many times rather funny in her current mind-frame.

“Let me guess. You thought I was too stuck up to smoke weed with you?” she asked as she handed it back to him and watching him take a long drag.

He laughed, letting the smoke out of his lungs prematurely. He didn’t seem bothered, though.

“Kind of, yeah,” he replied, disbelief on his face. Nesta watched the corners of his mouth quirk up in amusement and resisted the urge to run her finger around the borders of his lips, just to see if they were as soft as they looked.

Instead, she swatted his arm with the back of her hand, glaring at him incredulously. “So rude.”

He snuffed it out, laid it on the small table in front of them, and clapped his hands on each of this thighs. The sound startled her from her inappropriate musings of how that mouth would feel on her body, but now, her brain was including thoughts of what those hands could do.

“Welp,” he said suddenly, “that doesn’t count as my activity, by the way. I’m thinking I want to dance. With you.”

That damned smirk took up residence on his painfully handsome face, effectively ruining Nesta’s odds of shaking her inappropriate thoughts for the evening.

Covering her eyes with her free hand, she groaned dramatically. “You would.” Her eyes popped open, afraid she was walking into some stupid, male trap. “I swear to the gods, if you say you want to do the ‘horizontal tango’ or some bullshit, I’ll choke you.”

He threw his head back as laughter shook his body, and her heart skipped at the sound. He rested his head on her shoulder as he recovered and finally stood to initiate his chosen activity.

“No chance at me being that quick-witted with the booze in my system, but I appreciate the credit,” he said. He grabbed his phone from his pocket, selected a 90s playlist, and extended his hand.

“C'mon, Nes. Live a little,” he urged.

She set her cup down on the table, took his hand, and rose to her feet. He spun her quickly and pulled her toward the center of the room so that they had more room to move around, letting out a small chuckle as Nesta struggled to keep up. Nesta was laughing already, gripping both of his hands, the both of them spinning and jumping around far too much for two people who had taken whiskey shots less than an hour before.

The song ended, but they clung to each other still, swaying back and forth to regain their equilibrium. The next song had a much slower tempo, and they eased into it naturally. His arms wrapped around her middle, his hands resting on the small of her back as they moved. Her breath hitched as he pulled her closer, her hands landing on the tops of his shoulders.

“I think the couples missed out on singles night,” she murmured, glancing up into his face. “I would wager that we had way more fun.”

“No question,” he agreed, his eyes shining and smile broad.

His eyes tracked her face and landed on her lips, the bottom one drawn in between her teeth without her noticing. They were close, too close, and she found herself overwhelmed by his scent, his proximity, and the warmth of his breath fanning across her face. She ran her thumbs back and forth across his collarbones, earning a contented hum from Cassian in return.

Compelled by the curiosity that haunted her the entire evening, she gripped the shoulders of his shirt and pulled him down to crash her lips into his.

—

She knew she shouldn’t go over to him and say thank you; knew that she should keep herself planted in this very bar stool and pray to the Mother that he did the same. That night in the cabin had initiated a passionate and sordid coupling; as toxic as it could possibly be.

They tried to do the official thing: dates, toothbrushes at each others places, the works. As electric as they were in the bedroom is how dysfunctional they became outside of it, and they’d stayed in a perpetual push and pull ever since. Their relationship made her whole and terrified her all at the same time. She had been the one to walk away from him a week shy of 4 months together.

Even so, there was something almost magnetic about them, keeping them coming back to each other over and over again. The only thing that could keep them from stumbling back into each other’s arms was distance, something Nesta’s profession had blessedly provided when it mattered most.

Even relationships with other people hadn’t kept them from each others’ beds when they would run into each other; both of them seemingly incapable of denying themselves the taste and feel of the other. Neither were particularly proud that they threatened each other’s fidelity, but it seemed almost entirely out of their control. There were guys Nesta had dated that never knew of Cassian at all, and other relationships had crumbled because of her inability to stay away from him. Most recently, Tomas had caught her in several lies, prompting her confession and effectively ruining their relationship. She’d never give Cassian the satisfaction of knowing it though.

Here she was, sitting at Rita’s in her home town, and on the longest streak she had ever managed sans-Cassian since they’d started. But he was right there, and she missed him.

His eyes locked on hers again, and he pulled out the barstool next to him in invitation. She fought the urge to stand too quickly, forcing herself to stand casually and walk slowly to his side of the bar.

As she climbed onto the stool, she noted that he still used the same body wash and shampoo, the smell wrapping around her like her favorite hoodie. Flashing a broad smile at her, he turned his body toward her in greeting.

“Nes,” he uttered softly, with a subtle dip of his head. He made no move to touch her; history speaking for itself.

“King of the castle,” she murmured through a smile, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

His gaze intensified and darkened, eyes glancing down her body at her mention of pleasure.

“Drinking to forget,” he replied, holding up his whiskey and orienting back toward the bar.

“Trouble in paradise?” she asked, knowing he would pick up on the subtle jab at his relationship status. It was unfair, and she knew it, but stifling her jealousy had never been her strong suit. His girlfriend, Julia, was no exception to the rule.

“And what the fuck would you know about paradise with me, Nesta?” he retorted.

“I know enough,” she bit back. “Forget I said anything, okay? I just came over to tell you thanks for the drink. So, thanks,” she finished, as she started to slide off the barstool.

His hand shot to her thigh, keeping her in place and nearly setting her entire body on fire. The way he snatched his hand away told her he felt it, too. It was their curse.

“I shouldn’t have said that. My mood isn’t your fault.” The vulnerable look on his face could have brought her to her knees. “Stay?” he murmured.

She cleared her throat, fighting a battle where the odds were stacked insurmountably against her. “Um— sure. I need to finish my drink before I leave anyway.”

—

Once they got back on track, the rest of their conversation went well. They caught up with each other, updating the other regarding their mutual friends, their jobs, etc. The conversation steered clear of Julia or Nesta’s own relationship status, but she wasn’t complaining about that in the least.

“It’s good catching up, Nes. I’m glad I ran into you,” Cassian stated fondly. He patted her thigh with his hand, sending another jolt through Nesta’s entire body. He pulled it away and placed in back on the bar, a sheepish look on his bronze face.

“Probably best if you don’t do that,” she said, feeling brave after settling into the comfort of their conversation. “If you give a mouse a cookie, and all that.” She huffed a laugh through her nose and brought her glass up for another sip of whiskey.

Cassian snorted, looking sideways at her as she sipped. “What?” he asked through a chuckle.

“The children’s book— If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,” she explained, her tone implying he was as dense as they come.

“I don’t think I read that one. Care to fill me in?” he asked through a grin. She couldn’t tell if she believed him or not.

She was suddenly very shy, slightly embarrassed at having to explain the reference.

“Oh— um. It’s basically about this mouse who gets a cookie, but then, he wants some milk. It continues on like that for a while, the mouse wanting more and more things.”

She stopped talking abruptly as he turned to her fully, his pupils blown wide and leaning casually on the bar with his elbow.

“So,” he said roughly, “you’re saying that if I touch you, you’ll want more?” There was no humor in his voice.

Rather than answer, she dropped her eyes to the bar. She didn’t trust herself to attempt to say anything without it morphing into, “ _Yes. More. Always._ ” She raised her whiskey, throwing the last bit of it back and grimacing against the burn. She finally flicked her eyes to his, deciding she needed to escape immediately.

“I guess you’ll have to read it and decide for yourself,” she said playfully. She stood, resting a hand on his shoulder. “It was good to see you, too, Cass. Maybe I’ll run into you again next time I’m in Velaris.”

With a squeeze to his shoulder, she walked away from him and out of Rita’s. There were several cabs lined up along the sidewalk just a short walk from the bar, so she made her way toward them. She savored the fresh air, willing it to cool her blood and ease her body back down to normal.

Her brain seemed hellbent of doing the opposite, snapshots of their nights together flickering through her mind. Rolling around in the sheets, his calloused hands all over her, his mouth working her expertly to the brink as she clutched his arms like a lifeline. Bites along the column of her throat, his groan as her nails dragged down his back, the roughness of his voice when he called out her name.

The first cab she passed was unoccupied, and she climbed in quickly, reciting her destination to the driver in hopes of pulling away from Rita’s as fast as possible. Any longer, and she would be launching herself back onto the sidewalk and nearly jogging back to that barstool.

She eased her head back on the headrest as the cab pulled away. After a few moments, she groaned, earning a glance of concern in the rearview mirror. Ignoring the driver, she stared at the phone in her hand, at war with herself in a similar way she’d been so many times before. She loathed being “the other woman”, but the alternative, being without Cassian entirely, seemed impossible.

She scrolled to his contact and tapped on the message icon before she could talk herself out of it.

_Meet me? Knight Hotel, Room 536._

—

Her room was nice; clean and modern, all streamlines and white linens. She was thankful for the room refresh earlier that day, loving nothing more than climbing into crisp, clean sheets after a long day. The only downside is that she still had to get ready for bed, and that seemed wholly unfair.

Her suitcase was rested on the small sofa in the room, and she flipped the lid open to pull out her nightclothes. She opted for an oversized, long-sleeved t-shirt and a pair of boy shorts— her favorite. Her toiletries were already in the bathroom, arranged just as she liked them on the counter. She padded that way, grabbing her phone from where she’d dropped it on the edge of her bed.

Cassian had read her message 15 minutes ago but never replied. Her pride stung a little at the fact, but she knew deep down that it was for the best. She swiped the message to delete it and prevent herself from staring at the read receipt over and over before padding to the bathroom and brushing her teeth.

Her hair was still fixed in a crown braid, but it was certainly far more wispy than when she left, the winds not doing anything to spare them. She huffed a laugh at her appearance as she pulled the pins out one by one. Her hair finally fell in long waves down her back, and her eyes nearly rolled back in pleasure as she massaged her scalp where the braid had pulled all day.

An insistent knock sounded on the door of her room; four firm, loud raps. Her eyes snapped open and widened, mildly startled by the sudden noise. She walked quietly toward the door, and even though she had a strong feeling who was outside, she lined her eye up with the peephole to be sure.

There he stood in all of his muscular glory, his brows furrowed in determination as he bounced slightly on the balls of his feet. Nesta felt her core throb at the sight of him, and she silently chastised her body for having such an immediate reaction to his nearness.

It took her a few seconds to unfasten all the locks on her side of the door before she opened it. His head snapped up at the sound, and he moved with no time left for polite greetings. He cradled her face in his hands as he pressed his lips to hers roughly, all the tension in his body leaving wholly and suddenly at having his mouth on hers.

Nesta hooked two fingers between the third and fourth buttons of his shirt to pull him inside, and he readily obliged. He groaned in response, tracing her lips with his tongue to gain access to her mouth. She opened up for him, their kiss all tongue and teeth.

He let out a low growl as he wrapped an arm around her waist and thrust her against the wall of her room. She loosed a breath at the impact, bringing her hands around to grip his shoulder blades.

“Godsdamnit, Nesta. Why did you have to send me that fucking text, huh?” he demanded, his voice raspy and almost pained.

She whimpered into his mouth, the ache in her core almost unbearable.

“The same reason you showed up,” she breathed as she lifted her chin for him.

“I fucking tried to stay away,” he said as he littered rough kisses and small bites to her neck. “It’s fucking impossible.” He ground out, his hips rolling into hers as he hitched her leg over his hip.

“You’re hardly a victim of me, Cassian,” she fired back, irritated at the implication that all of this was totally on her.

He pulled his face from her neck, and she thought for a second that she’d pushed too hard, that he was retreating from her entirely. Dark gaze fixed down at her, the corners of his mouth lifted in a devious smile as his hands reached behind him to grab her arms. He released her grip on his back and brought her wrists roughly over her head, transferring them into one of his hands. With his other arm he lifted her, pinning her hips against the wall with his own.

Her legs wrapped around his waist, controlled entirely by muscle memory rather than conscious thought. The action pulled a low moan from him as he cupped her face sharply underneath with his now free hand, his thumb resting securely on one side of her jaw and his fingers on the other. He didn’t use enough force to hurt her, just enough to make sure he had her attention. She resisted the urge to tell him he didn’t need to resort to it; her attention fixed on him from the second she saw him.

“Agree to disagree, sweetheart,” he said roughly. His voice was all rasp and grit, the gravelly quality of it having her soaked already.

She felt inclined to argue with him, still miffed about his implications. The argument died on her tongue. She was a victim of him, too, after all.

He smashed his lips against hers again, pulling his thumb forward and using it to press on her chin and open her mouth to him. His hand slid down to the side of her neck, thumb resting just over her throat. A thrill ran threw her at the contact to such a vital, vulnerable area of her body, but she pushed away any thoughts regarding what it meant that she allowed it. She couldn’t admit to herself that she might trust the man pressed against her, their tumultuous past too prominent.

“I missed you,” she whispered into his mouth, following it with a long, guttural moan as he continued to roll his hips against her core.

His thumb pressed into her throat just slightly, only enough to capture her focus.

“You shouldn’t say shit you don’t mean, baby,” he rasped before pressing his lips to hers once more. He gripped her body against his with the arm around her waist and carried her to the still-made bed.

He settled himself against the headboard with Nesta straddling his lap. She moved against him to maintain the rhythm they’d already established and moved her lips down his sharp jaw, his stubble a welcome roughness against her soft skin. Anything to feel him in the most immersive way possible.

Truthfully, she’d tucked her face into his neck to conceal the emotion she felt at his last words to her. Her brows were drawn together in a frown as she processed his statement, and it took everything in her not to grip his face to say, _“I do mean it, you brute. I’ll never get you out of my system._ ”

Admitting that aloud would make it a hard truth, though, and she wasn’t prepared to deal with the aftermath of that proclamation. She couldn’t handle him telling her it was her fault, that she’d left him in the dust, that she’d exhausted her chances. Coming to terms with this being the most she could ever expect to have with Cassian was gut-wrenching enough, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. She didn’t need to hear that it was her fault in the first place. Plus, that was hardly news to her. She raked herself over the coals for that very fact every time she awoke from one of their nights together, only to find cold sheets next to her.

Mastering herself again, she leaned back to pull Cassian’s shirt over his head. The rest of their clothes were shed in a matter of seconds, strewn about the room as if carried away on a phantom wind. He pulled the covers back, easing himself onto the pillow and pulling Nesta across his hips again. She kissed him with a matched intensity to how he’d kissed her against the wall, easing herself onto his length. They took a moment to adjust to each other, breaths heavy and labored as if the wait was absolutely excruciating.

Their chests were pressed together, their bodies entirely flush, and she knew she would always be ruined for anyone else. She tried to repress the emotions at the thought yet again, but she was failing miserably now. He groaned as she pulled back, chasing her lips with his own.

“Cass,” she chuckled, “wait. Can I ask you something?” Her voice was quiet, leaning timid, which she felt was appropriate for how much she hated herself for what she was about to ask him.

“Can we pretend?” she asked, tracing his cupid’s bow with her first two fingers.

His expression told her he knew she wasn’t referring to foreplay. His gaze sobered a fraction, and he looked straight through to her just as he always had. He blinked a couple of times, clearing his throat as he readied his voice.

“Yeah,” he breathed, “what’d you have in mind?” He reached forward to tuck her hair behind her ear, his other hand coming up to cup her cheek.

She looked down at his chest, unable to utter the words while he looked at her in that way. She chose her wording carefully, not wanting him to recoil from her if she shared too much.

“Fuck me like you love me,” she murmured.

The bravery she needed to look at him finally showed itself, mostly due to the lack of movement or laughter from Cassian. His face was soft, eyes shining, and a small smile on his face. There was something else in his expression that she couldn’t put her finger on, but it wasn’t necessarily the time to unpack that.

He huffed a short laugh through his nose, the action causing his chest to shift beneath her. He shook his head slowly, as if she had failed to realize something incredibly simple. A soft kiss to her mouth was his only response before rolling them both beneath the sheets to do exactly as she asked.

Feeling alive for the first time in six months, she let herself go in a way she’d only ever been able to do with Cassian. He worshipped her as she writhed beneath him, obscene moans and curses flowing freely from her mouth. Nesta could hardly think as he brought her over the edge again and again, feeling more at home in that random hotel than she’d felt in forever. His name left her lips over and over without her permission, and she was barely aware of the things she was calling out into the lowly lit room.

But she refused to emit those three little words, even if she had to choke on them.


	2. Part 1.5 (Cassian POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NGL, there were parts of this chapter that hurt my feelings– but it’s here! Somewhere, from Cassian’s POV. The rest of this au will alternate from one POV to the other now that we’ve reached the same point in time for both of them!

These days, Cassian lived for quitting time. His boss was in the middle of a huge contract dispute, meaning he and his colleagues were on the receiving end of the majority of his strife. If history had taught him anything though, this was just one of the many seasons of life, so he would grin and bear it for now, clocking out right on time.

He parked his car in front of Julia’s apartment complex, loosening his tie and throwing it into the passenger seat. It was date night tonight, and he was headed upstairs to meet her so they could decide where to go. He loosed a full breath, grabbing his phone from the cup holder and unplugging it from the car charger. Just before he turned off the ignition, the screen lit up, so he relaxed back into the seat to take the call.

“Hey Rhysie,” he greeted.

Rhysand gave an unimpressed snort at the nickname. He’d long since realized that fighting it only made Cassian use it more. “Brother,” he said affectionately, “how’s it going?”

“Another day of the grind, that’s about it. Just pulled up at Jules’ place. It’s date night.”

“Don’t sound too excited,” Rhysand said through a laugh.

“Fuck off,” Cassian replied through a smile. “I am; just tired. So, what’s up?”

“Well, I didn’t realize it was date night,” he trailed off, taking a couple of seconds before he spoke again. “I was actually calling to invite you and Julia over tonight. Feyre wanted to get the crew together, and by some stroke of luck, everyone seems to be available for the most part so far. I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you had plans already or—”

“It’s okay, really. We haven’t officially decided on anything. I’ll run it by her when I get upstairs,” he assured his brother as he climbed out of his car. “Maybe we can grab a drink and then meet up with all of you.”

“Just let me know. It would be nice for all of us to get together, honestly. It’s been a while,” Rhysand said wistfully.

“You can say you miss me, you know,” Cassian joked. “What’s the occasion, by the way? Why tonight?”

“I always miss you— the second you walk away,” Rhys replied sarcastically. He cleared his throat, his tone changing slightly. “Nothing, really. Nesta is in town for a few days to take a mini-vacation from work, and Feyre just wanted everyone together.”

Cassian’s breath caught in his throat, although he knew it shouldn’t. He hadn’t seen Nesta in half a year, and he and Julia had been together now for just over 4 months. He was pretty happy. He could definitely handle a night with her, especially with his friends and family there as a buffer. Plus, he’d assured everyone that their breakup wouldn’t impact the group, anyway.

“Gotcha. Well, I’m climbing the stairs now. I’ll talk to the missus and let you know.”

They said their quick goodbyes as Cassian reached into his pocket for the key Julia had made for him several weeks prior. He’d used it numerous times by now, but the mention of his ex had him feeling like a poser; like a man playing the part of the happy, dutiful boyfriend, as he turned it in the lock.

“Jules?” he called out into the apartment.

“I’ll be out in a second! There’s beer in the fridge!” she called back.

He smiled, shaking off his thoughts from before as he walked to the kitchen to grab a drink. He pulled the bottle opener from her drawer, popped the top, and shut the drawer with a bump of his hip. The TV was already on the news, so he lay into the couch cushions to watch and to sip his beer.

His eyes eased themselves shut; succumbing to the long week he had. He’d just started to doze when he awoke to soft footsteps coming toward the living room.

“Hey babe,” he greeted, extending his arm toward her in invitation.

She quickened her pace excitedly, bracing her hands on his chest and swinging her hips around to straddle his. He let out an exaggerated “ _oof_ ” as she landed on top of him.

“Hi,” she breathed, her green eyes peering down at him, crinkled in the corners by the broad smile she wore. The sun came in around her mane of brown waves, creating an almost halo-like effect around her head.

He placed his beer bottle on the coffee table and reached up to tuck one side of her hair behind her ears.

“How was your day, beautiful?”

“Good. Better now,” she replied, as she leaned down to kiss him. She braced herself on her forearms to stay close, and Cassian didn’t mind the weight of her curves pressed against him. “What were you thinking for date night?”

Unsure of how this proposition was going to go, he decided it best to come straight out with it.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that. I just talked to Rhys, and he invited us to a little gathering at his and Feyre’s place. I thought maybe we could go have drinks just the two of us and head over there after,” he explained.

If she felt strongly either way, she didn’t give anything away. “Oh, that could be fun. Is it someone’s birthday?”

“No, nothing formal.” He ran his fingers up and down her upper arms. “Feyre’s sister is in town, and she wanted to have everyone under one roof.”

Julia’s eyes widened, and she sat up abruptly. “Feyre’s sister. As in Feyre’s sister, _Nesta_? Your ex?”

So, she did feel strongly about it.

“Jules, don’t be that way,” he chastised softly. “It doesn’t have as much to do with her as it does me wanting to see my family. It’s been—”

“Stop. It sounds like you want to spend date night on the ‘Nesta welcoming committee’. Are you fucking serious?” The way she spat Nesta’s name made the hair on the back of his neck stand.

She sat back even farther, her backside resting on his thighs and her arms crossed across her chest. He opened his mouth to argue, but she held up her hand to stop him.

“And what’s worse is you want me to participate! Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that would be for me? In case you forgot, half of your friends are related to her. Very closely related. And you’re asking me to walk into the lion’s den on your arm while I smile and play nice with the woman that fucking wrecked you? Hard pass.”

Cassian’s eyes fluttered shut, and he rubbed his temples in frustration. “Julia, no one is going to be thinking about you that hard to put a target on your back. It’s not—”

She leapt off his lap, stalking toward the middle of the room and gesturing wildly with her hands.

“THAT’S your best argument?! That no one gives a fuck about me anyway?!”

Swinging his legs around, he sat up and rested his elbows on his thighs. He was digging deep into his well of patience at the moment, but he knew that her reaction wasn’t entirely out of proportion. Especially when she articulated her position so frustratingly well.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he said sternly, as he lifted his head slightly to look at her.

“Then what did you mean, Cassian?” she yelled. He wasn’t sure that he’d ever pissed her off this badly.

“I mean,” he said through clenched teeth, “that you’re making this a thing, and it’s not one.” He released the tension in his jaw, knowing his tone wasn’t productive. “It’s been forever since Nesta and I broke up, and we promised the group it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Maybe it’s not a thing for you, but it is for me! How am I supposed to know everything I know about you and Nesta’s fucked up thing you insisted on calling a relationship and still smile and laugh with everyone like I’m none the wiser? It’s embarrassing!” she seethed.

His jaw clenched again, and he knew it was unfair that his patience was so thin. It wasn’t her as much as it was the hell of a week before all of this, but the shots fired at he and Nesta’s relationship hit such a deep nerve that she might as well have plucked right at his spinal cord. He exploded as he stood, all of it happening too quickly for him to choose against it.

“Why don’t you tell me how the fuck you want this to play out then, Julia! Tell me the right answer! My family is my fucking family, whether you like it or not. And my family is married to her family. You knew all of this shit before tonight, so don’t be a fucking victim. You’re blowing shit out of proportion and punishing me for you damned insecurities. Don’t put that bullshit on me!” He regretted it all the second it left his mouth, but he couldn’t take it back. Not with his blood pressure thundering in his ears and his temper at a solid 10 out of 10.

“Who are you right now?” Her voice was low, but no less angry.

“Fuck if I know anymore. I could ask you the same. You never seemed the type to ask me to choose you over my family,” he spat. Gods, he was such an asshole.

“You’re such a prick, Cassian,” she threw back, “I would never ask that of you.”

He swiped his keys, wallet, and phone into his hands and walked around the table. “It certainly feels like it.”

She let out a growl of frustration, and although she’d never once struck him, he wasn’t convinced she wouldn’t do it now. To his surprise, she threaded her fingers into her own hair on the sides of her scalp, gripping the strands in frustration.

“You’re fucking impossible,” she said in amazement, her eyes wide. She dropped her hands, stalking toward him as she spoke. “If you want me to be honest, in a perfect world, I’d forget she existed. She wouldn’t have her claws in you so deep that you really think you’re acting of your own accord. She would be a non-issue. Hell, even you would forget you dated her!” she yelled.

He straightened as if she’d hit him, her honesty cutting right through him. It wasn’t even that she said it; more that what she said about Nesta’s effect on him was so very true. She didn’t wait for his reply.

“I can’t believe this is how we’re spending our night. Fighting about _her_ , of all people,” she muttered.

“As far as I’m concerned. This night is over,” he fired back as he walked the rest of the way to her door. He meant every word.

“Where are you going?” she called after him.

He paused with the door open, doorknob still in hand. He didn’t even turn all the way toward her to respond, just gave a subtle twist of his head backward so he knew she would hear him.

“Anywhere else.” He didn’t really know.

“Cassian, if you walk out on me right now, we’re fucking done,” she warned.

His only response was a step forward and the firm shutting of her front door.

—

The sound of his car door slamming rattled through his ear drums due to the force he used to shut it, but it was drowned out by the loud “FUCK” he screamed as he white-knuckled the steering wheel. His anger was a cancer, an organism all its own when he let it run free, and he knew he had a limited amount of time to tamp it down before he did something he regretted.

Once he started the ignition, he threw his car in reverse and backed out rapidly from his parking place. He slammed it into drive and forced himself to go a reasonable speed, rather than speed away impulsively as a younger Cassian would have. He turned onto the road, still no true plan in his head, but he drove nonetheless.

There was happy, uptempo music playing on the last radio station he’d listened to, and he jammed the power button on his radio to turn it off entirely. He wanted to be pissed, and he wanted to be left alone to seethe as he saw fit, no matter how maladaptive he knew it was. The first order of business was to figure out what and who was under his skin. He had a sneaking suspicion it was himself more than anyone else.

He’d never shown that side of himself to Julia, and just like that, he’d possibly fucked up a really great thing in his life. And at the center of it all, yet again, was Nesta fucking Archeron. The rational part of his brain knew it wasn’t her fault; that she had nothing to do with it at all considering all she did was merely exist. But the malignant anger within wanted someone to blame, and for a second, he considered taking the cheap way out and putting it on her shoulders, anyway.

He drove until almost 8 o'clock. He hadn’t noticed how much time had gone by in his thoughts as he flew down the backroads of Velaris, but he if nothing else, the time had eroded his temper slightly. He pulled off onto a small patch of gravel to text his brother. He included Azriel in the message as well, just in case Rhys was busy hosting and didn’t check his phone. 

_Sorry I’m just getting in touch. No Julia tonight. We had a fight. See you in a little while._

He pressed send so that he didn’t overthink it and pulled off toward Rhys and Feyre’s house, hoping he wasn’t making a huge mistake.

—

He pulled in around 8:30PM, not realizing how far outside of Velaris’ limits he’d driven. He scanned the driveway, seeing that the usual people were present. He wanted nothing more than to be with his family and friends right now, knowing their presence would ease him back down from the ledge he’d been on all evening.

But she was there, too. The most infuriating part, considering his fight with Julia, was that he didn’t really trust himself to go in there alone. The realization that Julia had been completely right stoked his anger yet again, and on top of that, he found that he was disappointed in himself. He cursed himself internally at his weakness, knowing being within 10 feet of Nesta would lead to nothing but bad decisions and hurt feelings. There was still too much they’d never deigned to unpack about their short relationship; too much that had been left unsaid.

He harbored so much resentment for how she’d left. She’d decided entirely on her own that they were over, and she’d given him no opportunity to try and fix anything. Everything with her had been one extreme or another, and to date, no one had ever claimed him the way Nesta had.

So often, he wondered when they would finally get enough of each other; when they’d finally be over. For two people that had broken up so long ago, they’d stayed in a perpetual game of jealousy, temptation, and bad decisions. He honestly felt he was a good person, but when it came to Nesta, everything went out the window. He’d done so many things with her that he felt were out of character for him, and he’d hurt a lot of people in the process. But no matter what he did or what happened, he couldn’t stay away from her. When she’d moved away, that had been their best shot at allowing each other to move on and be functional human beings.

And because he couldn’t afford to make anymore damning decisions tonight, he pulled out of the driveway to keep the distance in its rightful place.

—

He climbed onto the barstool at Rita’s before firing a text to Rhysand and Azriel telling them he wasn’t up for the party. They sent him messages stating they understood and would see him soon, but he had a feeling he owed an apology to Feyre. She didn’t ask for much, and he couldn’t bear to show up for her tonight. Another notch in his belt of disappointments.

He spent his time people watching, nursing whiskey, and ruminating over his fight with Julia. They had both said things they didn’t mean, and it was hands-down the worst argument they’d ever had. He was at a loss on how to move forward considering that the facts remained. His family wasn’t going anywhere, and that meant that he and Nesta’s paths would cross eventually. Maybe with time, Julia would feel more comfortable with things. That’s if she forgave him, anyway. And if he ever mastered his ability to co-exist with Nesta.

As if reading his mind, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing a message from Julia on his home screen.

Jules _: I know things are all fucked, but I’m worried about you. Are you okay?_

C: _I’m good. Having a drink. Get some rest._

He knew he should feel touched by the gesture; that he should soften at her checking on him. Somehow, he ended up annoyed all over again, hearing the words she hurled at him about Nesta and bristling in defense of her. He knew it was fucked up, that Nesta didn’t deserve his loyalty at the expense of his current girlfriend, but he’d lost control of it long ago. Maybe Julia’s wishes for him to forget her altogether weren’t such a bad thing.

The sound of the door opening and the scraping of a barstool caught his attention, and he glanced up to see none other than his vice herself dropping into a seat. His breath caught as he took her in, just as jaw-dropping as the last time he’d seen her. Granted, they were doing something very different then, but she was beautiful no matter the setting.

His cock twitched at the memory, and he dropped his gaze to his drink to try and collect himself. His grip tightened on his glass, and his left leg bounced slightly with the effort of taming his rogue thoughts. The sight of her made him burn with want and frustrated him all at the same time.

“Need anything?” He jumped slightly at the bartender’s voice, shaken from the mental battle he was engaged in.

He cleared his throat. “Another double whiskey, if you don’t mind.” The bartender nodded and started to move away, but Cassian caught his attention again. “Two, actually. One for me, one for that stunning woman across the bar,” he said, as he pointed a finger toward Nesta.

The bartender gave him a sly grin before moving away to do as he asked.

He knew he was playing with fire. But at some point, he needed to do this. He needed to be able to be friendly with Nesta so that his life would be less complicated; so that she didn’t remain a sore spot with Julia, or anyone else, for that matter.

It was unclear to him if he truly meant that or if he was justifying his actions to reach out instead of closing his tab and heading home.

He held his glass in his hands, glancing up at Nesta occasionally to gauge her reaction. Her brows furrowed in confusion at the glass in front of her, and he wanted to reach out with his thumb to smooth the line between them. She and the bartender exchanged a few words, and his heart hammered against his ribcage as her piercing blue eyes started to scan the room.

Blood rushed to his face, and his groin, as her eyes locked on his own. She raised her glass in cheers, and he returned the gesture, despite the fact that he knew it wasn’t enough. She was too far away.

He pulled the barstool next to him away from the bar; just in case she felt compelled to join him. He held his breath, the action making it clear that he wasn’t feeling all that casual about her next move.

To his horror and delight, she walked over, and it took everything in him to wait patiently for her to make her way there.

They exchanged a polite greeting, and Cassian thought he may have to sit on his own hands to keep them to himself. This had not been his best idea, but he could only enjoy the way it felt to be this close to her again.

“King of the castle, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Her smile alone could have floored him, but her mention of pleasure had him barely hanging on.

He felt the growing pressure in his groin, but with he and Julia’s fight still on his mind, he found himself conflicted and broody.

“Drinking to forget,” he told her as he raised his glass. He withheld the tidbit about what he was working on forgetting.

“Trouble in paradise?” she asked.

He could tell she was taking a dig at his relationship, at Julia. They had never been above taking shots at the other’s significant other, but he remembered his thought from earlier about how she’d been the one to leave him. His temper flared faster than he thought possible at such a small question.

“And what the fuck would you know about paradise with me, Nesta?”

“Not _a fucking thing. You left me too soon to know_ ,” he thought, but he kept that to himself. He wasn’t a complete idiot. 

“I know enough.” He knew Nesta’s wall of defense better than anyone, and it was sliding in place.

“Forget I said anything, okay? I just came over to tell you thanks for the drink. So, thanks.” Her tone didn’t match her words, but he supposed his wouldn’t either if he was sitting here with his sorry ass.

A slight panic shot through him as she started to slide off of her barstool, and his rule about keeping his hands to himself immediately flew out the window. He couldn’t handle the thought of her leaving; not yet, and not on these terms.

His hand shot to her thigh, hoping to encourage her to stay. He felt her muscles tense under his hand and pulled it back quickly, knowing she felt the electricity as acutely as he had. Gods, what he would give to touch her freely again.

“I shouldn’t have said that. My mood isn’t your fault,” he told her in apology, and he meant it. “Stay?”

He felt pathetic asking, but she took mercy on his soul and agreed. He hated how light his heart felt when she said she’d stay, but he settled in and enjoyed the ride.

Their conversation flowed naturally and comfortably after the initial bumps in the road, both of them picking up right where they left off. He privately lamented over the fact that they hadn’t been able to make things work as they were in that moment, so easy and carefree. They’d been such the opposite at times, communicating almost solely with their bodies and never about the important things. The fun they had together had made it all worth it to Cassian, but it wasn’t enough for Nesta, apparently.

They were approaching the bottoms of their glasses, and there was a natural lull in conversation. He took the opportunity to tell her how nice it was to see her, placing his hand on her thigh for a second time and cringing slightly as he pulled it away. He’d done it without a thought, but with so many walls torn down through their conversation, physical contact was a dangerous game.

“Probably best if you don’t do that,” she said, her beautiful blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “If you give a mouse a cookie, and all that.”

He had no idea what the hell that meant, and he told her as much. She launched into a synopsis of some children’s book about a mouse, but he was only listening to the rise and fall of her voice and trying to shake the feeling of her thigh beneath his palm. Toward the end, he put together that this mouse gets one thing and wants more. He fought the urge to tell her that mouse had absolutely nothing on him at the moment, especially as it pertained to wanting something that wasn’t an option.

Shortly after her explanation, she tossed back the rest of her whiskey, giving him a clear view of the long lines of her throat. He didn’t even try to fight the memory of how she sounded when he paid special attention to her neck with his mouth. It was a lost cause anyway.

She stood to leave, gripping his shoulder and telling him it was good to see him, too. He watched her walk out of the bar and away from him, the air around him suddenly too cold. He was disappointed to be without her, but he felt a weird, misguided pride at their self-control. It was the first time they’d gotten together since they’d dated where they hadn’t left tangled around each other, consequences be damned. Maybe there was some hope for them after all.

He rolled his shoulders, then rubbed roughly at his face with both hands to orient himself back to reality. His phone went off, and he pulled it from his pocket to see he had dozens of messages. Most of them were from Rhys and Azriel— talking shit as usual. He had one from Julia from much earlier. He felt a twinge of guilt at who’d distracted him so much that he hadn’t noticed his phone.

Jules: _You can come by later if you’re feeling up to talking. I’ll probably be up._

He set his phone down on the bar as he rubbed at his face again. He didn’t really have the mental energy to hash all this out tonight, and he hadn’t really unpacked it all enough anyway. On the other side of coin, he hated to hurt her any further than he had already. He was such a godsdamned mess sometimes.

Another text came through, and he flipped his phone over; annoyed because he assumed it to be Rhys or Az. He blinked a couple of times at the name that appeared on his screen, a little in disbelief at seeing it there after so long.

Nes: _Meet me? Knight Hotel, Room 536._

“Ah, _fuck_ ,” he muttered, as he placed his phone firmly on the bar, face down. He ran the fingers of his right hand through his hair before rubbing both palms against his thighs, his eyes locked on the back of his phone.

He left it there for several minutes, glancing back and forth from the phone and the whiskey he nursed. He was torn, knowing deep down that he wanted nothing more than to be with Nesta tonight. It wasn’t lost on him, though, that doing so may be the proverbial nail in the coffin with Julia. He agonized over what to do for what felt like an eternity, but truly it was only as long as it took to wave down the bartender and pay his tab.

His decision had been made far before he’d run into Nesta anyway, when he walked out on Julia and her ultimatum. He unlocked his phone to send a text to Julia before he could think more about it.

_Not really up for talking. Don’t wait up._

—

The ride over to the Knight hotel was full of anxious energy, doubt, and absolute certainty all rolled into one. He didn’t think himself emotionally evolved enough to juggle all of it at once, but here he was.

He shot a quick text to Azriel, needing someone to have his back if the situation arose. It’s not that he didn’t trust Rhys to do the same, but if Feyre was upset with Cassian, Rhys wasn’t going to feel particularly inspired to help.

_If Jules asks, I stayed with you._

A few seconds passed before he felt his phone vibrate in his lap.

Az: _If my suspicions are in any way correct, this is a terrible idea._

C: _I know, dad. Please?_

Az: _Fine. But you owe me._

Finally, he parked and was walking into the front lobby of the hotel. He made straight for the elevators, and mercifully, one of them opened immediately. He pushed “5” and leaned back on the wall, silently praying that there were no stops on the way up. The late hour ensured he was blessed in that way.

He scanned the signs on the floor of the hotel, trying to navigate his way to Room 536. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of the door, having one final battle with himself. He knew that this made him a bastard as it pertained to Julia, to go out and meet the very woman they’d argued over just hours before. But he hadn’t been the one to call it off, and he’d already acknowledged she was fucking right anyway.

He knocked on the door, bouncing anxiously on the balls of his feet. Feeling exposed in the hallway was one reason for his nerves, but he was driven more so by a compulsion to have his mouth on Nesta. What if she changed her mind and left him standing here like the sorry asshole he was? He wasn’t sure how his pride would recover from a second rejection from an entirely different woman tonight.

The locks started to click, and then, there she was. There was no appropriate greeting for what this was; what they were, so he settled for satisfying his need to taste her. When she pulled him inside by his shirt, any resolve or reservations he’d entertained that night were entirely out the window. He was struck with a pang of frustration at himself and the two of them for their inability to interact like two well-adjusted adults, especially when they’d almost managed to do so before that damn text message flashed on his screen. She’d caught him in her web all over again.

“Godsdamnit, Nesta. Why did you have to send me that fucking text, huh?” He hated the desperation in his tone.

“The same reason you showed up.” She raised her chin, and he knew he was powerless now. It only fueled his frustration.

“I fucking tried to stay away. It’s fucking impossible,” he ground out. He couldn’t get close enough to her, almost in pain with his need to be buried inside her.

“You’re hardly a victim of me, Cassian.”

Something in his snapped at that, at the irritation and condescension rolling off her perfect lips. Without much conscious thought, he shifted so that he had her hands pinned over her head and had her lifted against the wall. He grabbed her jaw, careful not to do it too roughly, but enough to keep her face turned toward his own.

He reflected on her words, and the echo of them rippled down his spine, “ _you’re hardly a victim of me, Cassian_.”

But wasn’t he? Surely she knew that she could be a supernova, mere seconds from explosion, and he’d knowingly orbit her anyway.

He growled some type of response, although he wasn’t super aware of what it was. He still wasn’t very good at thinking straight when they were pressed against each other like this. They stayed that way for some minutes, all rough kisses and love bites, his hand finding its home on her neck with his thumb over her throat. Everything they did, every way he touched her, seemed like it made perfect sense.

“I missed you,” she whispered as he kissed her, and he tensed at her words. If she only knew how he’d longed so many times to hear those words from her, she wouldn’t throw them around casually. A sting of frustration ran through him, then. If she meant it, she wouldn’t leave him over and over again.

“You shouldn’t say shit you don’t mean, baby,” he retorted. He pressed his lips to hers again, afraid to hear any rebuttal she may have and unwilling to let the few moments they had together be wasted.

He moved them over to her bed, and there was nothing but her hands, her hips, her mouth. He knew he was completely gone for her when her lips worked their way down his jaw and to his neck. Their clothes were an unwelcome barrier now, and he couldn’t imagine going any longer without her skin on his.

Their clothes were shed in record time, and finally, _finally_ , she was angled over him. He had to bite the inside of his cheek as she sank down on him, the tension around his cock almost too much. They sat there for a second, trying to adjust to each other after six months apart, and his heart clenched with how right it felt to be with her. Even when he knew everything about it was so wrong.

She killed him for the third time that night, asking if they could pretend. He knew she wasn’t talking about some type of role-play fantasy. They didn’t get enough time together in this reality as it was.

But when she uttered the words, “Fuck me like you love me,” he was rendered totally speechless. He held her face in his hands and shook his head back and forth as if to say, _“you beautiful, beautiful idiot. How could you not know?_ ”

Instead, he pressed his lips to hers, fully intending on fulfilling her wishes as long as she’d have him. His blood sang as he thrust into her over and over, their bodies moving together as if they’d been made to do so. Because she’d asked so nicely, he decided he would pretend, too. He would pretend that this was their truth, that he went to bed with her just like this every night, that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

And when they went over that edge together, he silently mouthed the words, “I love you” against her shoulder, knowing that was the one thing that had to remain his dirty little secret.


	3. Part 2 (Cassian POV)

It was one of those days where Cassian awoke before his alarm, the sun barely making its appearance through the curtains as he stirred. He tensed slightly when he realized he wasn’t alone, his tired mind not totally orienting to his surroundings in the early hours of the morning. Nesta’s arm was thrown across his rib cage; her face tucked into his neck and her warm breath fanning over his chest, and he relaxed immediately when the memories of the night before flooded his brain.

Slender arms tightened around him slightly, and he felt the faint movement of Nesta’s nose as she nuzzled his neck in her sleep. There was a tightness in his chest at the gesture; not because he hated it, but because it was one of his favorite things he remembered from their short time together. He tucked his cheek a little tighter against the top of her head, content to doze with her until he absolutely had to get up for the day.

On the nights they had spent wrapped around each other since their break-up, Cassian usually didn’t stay through the night. It was easier to slip out like a ghost, that way he didn’t have to face Nesta and tell her goodbye yet again. He knew it made him a coward and a jerk, but it was easier all around. He made a mistake staying last night. Waking up with her was another gut punch he would be left with when she went back home, but he didn’t regret a thing.

Minutes passed, Cassian in and out of sleep as he kept himself tightly wrapped around Nesta. His phone chimed obnoxiously, jolting him rudely into waking hours. Nesta groaned next to him and tightened her hold on him, throwing her leg over his hips. He scrambled for the phone on the night stand as best he could without jostling her too much. His finger jabbed at the screen until the only sounds remaining were the air conditioner and their breathing.

Nesta’s body was pressed as flush to him as humanly possible, her curves torturing him as she snuggled into him. Early morning Nesta was one of his favorite Nestas; between the nuzzling, the blatant displays of affection, and her insistence on closeness, Cassian always found himself marveling at the contrast between that vulnerability and her usual demeanor.

“It’s so early,” she groaned.

He chuckled as he started to run his fingers up and down her spine. “I know. I should get up though. I’m meeting Az at the gym.”

Something like a pout and a grumble left Nesta’s throat. He laughed again, but it was followed by a feeling of heaviness in his stomach. He was getting too comfortable with her, his defenses coming down too quickly.

He pressed a soft kiss to her head. “When do you head home?” he murmured, his lips grazing the spot as he spoke.

“Day after tomorrow. I fly out at 10 am.”

Dread flooded his chest, but he shoved it away quickly. He was the one who asked in the first place.

“Can I see you again before you leave?” The question left him before he could sensor himself.

Nesta propped herself up on an elbow, eyes scanning his face in the little light that dawn provided them.

“Really?” Her voice was quiet, skeptical.

He shifted to look at her properly. “Yeah. Only if you want to, I mean. I don’t know, I just— I enjoyed catching up with you last night. I had a lot of fun,” he nearly rambled. He raised his other hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and run his thumb over her cheekbone.

She glanced down to his shoulder, a teasing smirk working its way across her lips.

“You’ll have to forgive me. I’m more familiar with you ghosting me, so I had to be sure I was hearing you right,” she quipped, her lips spreading into a full smile.

Cassian’s jaw dropped in mock offense. “Ruthless,” he replied breathily.

Her laughter carried through the room, and he thought he could get drunk from the sound alone. He laughed along with her, shaking his head incredulously as they recovered. Nesta rolled to her back as he lifted himself into a seated position, turning to press a kiss to her lips.

“I gotta go,” he lamented. “How do you feel about staying in? We wear our most comfortable clothes, order an obscenely-priced movie on hotel pay-per-view, and we do more of what we did last night whenever we feel like it. I’ll bring wine and take-out.”

“A man after my introverted little heart,” she said through a smile.

He stood to allow himself a couple of seconds to shake off the slight sting as her words. Her tone implied no malice, her intentions aligning more with light-hearted banter. How could she know that such a mild expression would remind him that he failed to win that very heart those years ago?

“Well,” he began, forcing a tone far lighter than he felt. “It would appear that I have something to prove now that you called me out for being a habitual ghost.”

That earned another laugh. He gathered his clothes, stepping into his pants before turning toward her again. Nesta eyed him appreciatively, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth as he dressed.

“You’re sure you can’t stay?”

A smile crossed his face, and he leaned down to press his lips to hers. He lingered, pulling a soft whimper from Nesta.

“I wish, but I promised Az I would help him with some stuff after our workout today. He’ll give me so much shit if I cancel on him now,” he explained, as he buttoned his shirt.

He turned to sit on the edge of the bed and put on his shoes. Slender arms worked their way around his waist, and he felt the impression of Nesta’s body against his back.

“I know. You should go. I’m just being selfish,” she murmured, her lips pressing to the shell of his ear once she finished.

“Brat,” he breathed, pressing his weight into her as she kissed his ear once more.

“There’s an extra keycard on the TV stand. I have some things to do today, so take it just in case you beat me back here,” she offered.

Cassian fetched the card, placing it securely in his wallet so he wouldn’t lose it.

“I’ll keep you posted throughout the day,” he promised, pressing a kiss to her forehead and hurrying out the door.

—

The drive to his apartment was short, thank the Cauldron, allowing Cassian to stop by to change into gym clothes. He threw a change of clothes into his duffel (plus some things for his night with Nesta), and flew out the door again. As he locked the deadbolt, he caught a glimpse of Julia’s house key, and guilt flooded him. Nesta’s hotel key was now burning a hole through his wallet, torturing him with moral grey area.

He parked his car near Azriel’s and rushed inside. His brother was already in the locker room, placing his gym bag into one of the lockers.

“You’re late,” he stated dryly.

“By five minutes, Dad,” he replied, repeating the nickname from the previous night.

“I prefer to be called Daddy,” Azriel deadpanned.

Cassian chuckled at his joke as he pulled his hair into a bun. “If you want me to call you ‘Daddy’, you’re going to have to earn it.”

The pair walked out into the gym, stretched to warm their bodies, and made their way over to the row of weight benches. They gravitated to one near the wall, grateful that they had their choice of preferred space.

“See? This is why I like coming early. There’s no one here,” Cassian insisted, as they arranged the appropriate weight on the bar.

Azriel, the night owl he was, grumbled frequently about the time when he and Cassian worked out together. The morning hours did not agree with his brother’s moody nature. He gestured toward the bench, offering to spot for Az first. He was still shaking his thoughts from this morning and needed a minute to focus, anyway. Before he knew it, it was time to switch, and he shook off the mental fog with a quick jerk of his head.

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet this morning,” Az noted, as Cassian adjusted his body beneath the bar. “You’re usually far more… spirited.”

“Just being considerate of your delicate morning moods,” he replied, lowering the weight to his chest.

Az was right. Cassian was a morning person in every sense of the definition, and he normally delighted in irritating a grumpy Azriel. He heard his brother huff a laugh from above him.

“Considerate would have been beating me here so I didn’t get pissed that I resisted the snooze button this morning,” Az challenged.

Cassian forced air through his nose, trying to keep his temper at bay. What Az was saying was mild compared to their usual banter, but his emotions were chaotic enough since his fight with Julia yesterday.

“Well then, I’ll see you in detention on Monday, sir.” Cassian lifted the weight again, only to feel it being jerked upward toward the rack. “I wasn’t d—”

“Get up,” Azriel ordered, not blinking at the protest. When he made no move to stand, his brother gestured with his hand impatiently.

“Get up,” he repeated. “Go tape your knuckles and find some gloves. I’ll meet you in the sparring room.”

And now his family was tired of his shit, too, apparently. He did as instructed, knowing he was on a thin rope with his brother at the moment.

Azriel was in the room rolling his neck in a stretch, and he wordlessly positioned himself to get started. Cassian mimicked his movements and waited patiently.

“Thought you may be interested in throwing the first, brother,” he commented.

Az launched toward him, throwing punches toward Cassian’s ribs and jaw. He successfully blocked the face shots, but his ribs took a couple of the quicker blows.

“Mother’s tits, Az,” he grunted, as he shifted and collected himself.

“You’re in your head.”

Several additional punches rained down on his torso, and it took him far more effort than usual to evade them.

“I’m fine,” he bit out.

“Okay,” Azriel conceded quickly, his tone dismissive.

The intensity and speed of his punches increased significantly, causing Cassian to mindlessly block them however possible. He did so sloppily, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Azriel identified the weak spots immediately, and he focused his assault there.

Cassian had no choice but to retreat as he attempted to recover; only for his brother to take advantage of the unstable footing and swipe his legs out from under him with one of his own. He landed on his back with a loud thud, grimacing at the wind knocked from his chest and his wounded pride. Once his eyes opened and focused, he saw Az standing there with his hand extended to help him up.

“Fuck— I won’t be late again. Point taken,” he muttered.

A humorless chuckle came from Azriel.

“You know I don’t give a shit about that. But you’re lying to me about not being in your head.”

“So you beat the shit out of me?” he demanded impatiently.

“That’s the point. If you were focused, you’d beat me. Or at least block like you’ve ever trained a day in your fucking life,” he countered.

Cassian was seeing red. Azriel could be such a know-it-all little prick sometimes.

“If you’re trying to provoke me, it’s working.”

“I don’t know that I feel all that threatened, if I’m being honest. I like my odds today.”

Something like a growl left Cassian’s throat. He was too annoyed, too much of a mental mess to give a shit that he was taking the bait. His body shifted to face Azriel dead-on, mindlessly throwing combinations toward his brother. They were pretty immaculate, if you asked Cassian, but Azriel blocked each of them with flawless precision.

That was infuriating, too.

Rather than abandoning his technique altogether, he backed away to try and regain focus. Az smirked at him, looking as if he was barely putting an effort forth. Fucking asshole.

The man in front of him had always been a more than worthy opponent in the sparring ring; he and Rhys being two of the very few who actually posed a challenge at all. There was something about this that called to Cassian and spoke to his very DNA, which was why it frustrated him to no end that his performance so perfectly proved Azriel’s case. It was true that Cassian won far more often than he lost, making his lack of concentration all the more obvious.

“Wanna talk about it?” Azriel asked, squaring his body to defend any potential attacks from Cassian.

“Nothing to talk about,” he retorted, launching for his opponent again.

Cassian finally felt like his rhythm was clicking into place, his body taking over almost entirely. His hits were flawless, and although Azriel’s defense was still strong, he managed to land several blows to his body. He backed off some, only to have Az on him immediately. Gods, he was on today.

“You—” Azriel said between jabs, “are so— fucking— stubborn.”

“And you—” Cassian defended, “are nosy today.”

Azriel’s nostrils flared in frustration, and he dropped his hands temporarily.

“Cassian, I’m just trying to help. You’re the one that involved me in the first place when you sent that text last night. You could at least tell me why I’m lying for you,” he challenged, bringing his hands back up to continue his onslaught.

His brother’s words landed right where he was weakest, causing him to stumble. He recovered briefly with a growl, and Az succeeded in landing a hit square to his jaw. Rage barreled through him as he flexed and stretched the joint, his vision tunneling in on the man in front of him. He charged, wrapping up around Azriel’s waist and tackling him brutally to the floor. It wasn’t his best act of sportsmanship.

“What the FUCK, Cassian?” Azriel bellowed, his own temper flaring dangerously at the cheap retaliation.

His brother was the swiftest of the three of them, and he managed to get his legs beneath him enough to roll them over. He straddled Cassian’s waist, pinning him with his weight and blocking any jabs thrown his way. His patience frayed quickly, and he lifted a scarred hand to slap Cassian across the cheek to gain his attention.

“Would you stop, you fucking savage? Look at yourself,” he commanded, his annoyance toward Cassian blatant.

The strike to his cheek did its job in snapping him out of his mindless aggression. He peered up at Az as his elbows hit the mat beneath him, his hands raised in surrender. Azriel shifted off of his hips and settled on the mat nearby. He rested his forearms on his knees, and Cassian sat up in an identical posture. They took a few seconds to catch their breath before either of them said a word.

“I wouldn’t know where to start,” Cassian stated quietly, his gaze fixed on the mat in front of him.

“You told us that you and Julia fought. What happened?” The ire in Azriel’s voice was gone completely.

He blew a long breath through his nose. “I asked her about going to Rhys and Feyre’s for a little while. She got upset because it wasn’t exactly the best way to spend date night, and it got heated. I was an asshole.”

A short laugh left Azriel. “I figured as much. You always get mopey like this when you’re being hard on yourself. What’d you say?”

“Well,” he began, “I accused her of asking me to choose her over my family. I told her to stop being a victim and to stop holding me responsible for her insecurities.”

“Shit,” his brother muttered under his breath.

“Yeah. Then I left, and I drove around for a couple of hours to calm my nerves. That’s when I texted you and Rhys that she wasn’t coming, and I was on my way.”

“Why didn’t you show?”

Cassian looked sidelong at Azriel, his mouth tightening in a straight line as his only response.

“Yeah,” Az responded quietly, his hand reaching out to clap Cassian on the shoulder.

Maybe he’d been a little hard on Az in his thoughts this morning. He underestimated how valuable it was to have someone who could read between the lines, eliminating the need to voice the things that were hardest.

“I ended up at Rita’s, drinking whiskey and feeling sorry for myself. I’d been there about an hour, and of course, she walks through the door. Fucked me up instantly.”

“Not Julia,” Azriel clarified, but it wasn’t really a question. He knew.

“Not Julia. We said hello, had a drink, and caught up. It was nice. Julia texted me and offered for me to stop by and talk, but I didn’t have it in me. I felt like shit for not going, especially considering who I was with. That’s why I texted you,” he explained, choosing to omit that he sent the text from his car as he drove to Nesta’s hotel room.

If he told him too much, he would be putting him in a shitty position with Elain, and he didn’t want to make trouble for Az.

“Ah, I see. Understandable,” Azriel replied as he stood, extending his hand to help Cassian stand as well.

He clasped his brother’s hand firmly, pulling himself from the mat.

“Thanks, man,” he finished as he removed his gloves, the action specific to their workout but somewhat symbolic, too. Azriel wasn’t the enemy here.

They walked quietly to the locker room to shower and get dressed. He’d promised Az that he would help put together some fixtures at Elain’s shop downtown, and he was grateful he’d had the sense to pack lightweight, casual clothes for the day. Once he was ready, he checked his phone to see a missed text from Julia.

Jules: I hope I don’t wake you, but if you’re up, I was hoping we could grab coffee this morning? Or lunch if that works better. I won’t keep you long, I just hate how we left things. If not, I understand.

“Well, shit,” he lamented, accidentally recruiting Azriel’s attention in the process.

“What?”

He handed his phone over so that Az could read the text and finished packing up his things.

“Oof,” Azriel empathized. “We did end earlier than usual. You could meet up with her before you meet me and El at the shop; maybe rip the bandaid off so it’s not looming over you.”

They walked to the parking lot as Cassian mulled it over. He wasn’t sure he was mentally prepared for what she had to say, and he definitely didn’t think he was ready to come clean about how he had spent his time the night before. That wasn’t going to yield the mildest of reactions from Julia. All that considered, he supposed Azriel was right. It wasn’t going to be any easier if he waited.

“You sure? I don’t want to put you and El off for my bullshit.”

“I’m sure. You’re going to be miserable company if this stays on your mind all day,” his brother insisted with a bump of his elbow.

“Wish me luck then.”

—

His reply to Julia had been simple and friendly. He agreed to meet up, and they chose a small cafe near her apartment. Julia beat him there and had coffee waiting for him on the table. Cassian’s guilt was drowning him already from the small gesture.

“Hey,” she breathed when she saw him, no irritation in her expression.

She stood as he approached, and he wrapped her in a hug. Despite what his behavior communicated, he did care for Julia and hated that he was hurting her. She ended the embrace sooner than usual, but he understood. He’d been a colossal dick the night before, and he was lucky she didn’t greet him with an unkind gesture instead.

“Thanks for coming, especially on short notice,” she said as they sat. It was oddly formal.

“Of course. Jules, I’m so sor—” He trailed off at Julia’s interruption.

“Wait. Can I go first?”

He nodded, unsure of what else to say or do. She fixed her eyes on her coffee, and he grabbed his own to busy his hands. He took a slow sip, his chest tightening at the fact that she’d ordered it exactly as he liked it. Extra light on the cream, two sugars. It was perfect, further highlighting how shitty he felt for how he’d treated her.

“I hate how our conversation went yesterday. I said a lot that I didn’t mean, and I’m so sorry. I hope you know that I would never ask you to choose me over your family; not in a million years. If I gave that impression, I apologize.”

“I know, Jules. I was an absolute dick, and I shouldn’t have blown up at you the way I did,” he assured her, reaching across the table to take her hand softly in his. “I’m really sorry for how I spoke to you.”

“Thank you,” she squeaked out, tears starting to pool along her lower eyelids.

He was so tempted to reach over and wipe them away, but he somehow got the impression that she wouldn’t want him to do it. Their words were kind and sincere, but the energy around them was tense and uncomfortable.

“But,” she continued, “I did some thinking. I think you were right about some things, even if your delivery wasn’t ideal.”

His body tensed, anxiety coursing through him. The direction of this conversation was hard to navigate.

“I realized that I am insecure about some things. For whatever reason, I’ve always been intimidated by your relationship with Nesta. I know that’s something I need to work through somehow, I just didn’t realize how much it would bother me until I was in a situation where I’d actually have to see her and be around both of you at the same time. I panicked.”

Cassian’s blood pressure spiked at hearing Nesta’s name roll off her lips. He knew she would come up eventually, but he’d walked into this expecting to have his ass handed to him for how he’d talked to Julia. What he wasn’t expecting, was to have Julia agree with him entirely.

“And I understand that. You shouldn’t have had to say something for me to consider how that would feel for you. This isn’t on you,” he insisted, hoping to comfort her.

“It is on me, Cass. You can’t fix that for me,” she replied, chewing on her bottom lip as she considered how to continue. “You were right when you said your family isn’t going anywhere, so I have to work through this if we have any shot together.”

He swallowed thickly, totally at a loss for how to respond. It killed him to think she thought her insecurities, which were entirely valid, would be the Achilles heel in their relationship. He hated himself for making her fears an actual reality.

“Which is why,” she paused, her lip trembling slightly as she spoke, “I think we should take a step back. I really, really care about you, but I think I need some space to work through all this. I know I threw the ultimatum out last night anyway, but I didn’t want to leave it on those terms. That was unfair of me.”

Cassian blinked at her, taking a second to realize what was happening. He’d expected that he would apologize for his behavior, that they would make up from their argument, and then he’d have to muster the courage to wreck everything again with his admission. He hadn’t considered the possibility that she would take what he said to heart and keep their break-up in place for the purpose of self-improvement.

“I don’t know that I would call it unfair. I deserved worse, to be honest.”

“You think that, but you don’t think you deserve much in the first place,” she replied, cutting him to the quick with her very accurate assessment. Her voice quieted a little, her emotions laced throughout her words. “You’re wrong, Cassian. You deserve way more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve to be happy, too.”

He knew for a fact that he didn’t deserve her kindness or her compassion, and it gutted him.

“Julia, I appreciate it, but you give me too much credit. Last night, I—”

“Stop. Please. We don’t need to do this. I don’t want you to rake yourself over the coals, and I don’t want to fall down that same rabbit hole. This sucks enough,” she insisted, her tone firm but not unkind.

Because he was a fucking coward, he relented, letting her bail him out when he didn’t deserve a shred of her understanding.

“Okay, so we agree. We take a step back and focus on ourselves. Maybe in a couple of weeks we can meet for lunch or have dinner. We’ll take it super slow and see where it takes us,” she summarized, looking to him for his affirmation.

He rubbed her knuckles with his thumb, his chest tightening at the thought of losing her forever. This was the bed he’d made for himself, though. How he’d managed to fuck up so royally with such a sweet, genuine woman was a mystery, and it all seemed like a sick joke.

“You deserve the world, Jules. If we find our way back to each other, I hope I can be worthy of you,” he told her, and he meant it.

The sight of her tears, falling in earnest at his words, would probably haunt him forever. Her grip tightened on his hand, her other raising to wipe her tears.

She gave a tense nod and sad smile before saying, “Thanks, babe. Walk me out?”

He stood silently, offering his hand and pulling her into his side. They walked that way to her car, his arm around her shoulders and hers wrapped tightly around his back. Cassian opened her door once they arrived, and she turned to hug him before getting in. He placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head as he let her go, and she slid into the driver’s seat as he closed her door for her. Julia situated herself before looking up at him, and he offered her a weak smile as he waved her off.

The walk to his own car was somber, almost cold now that he and Julia had officially taken a step back from their relationship. Hurt coursed through him at what he lost, followed quickly by anger at himself for how he got here. What shook him the most was the realization that he’d fucked everything up, thrown caution to the wind entirely, only to be left completely alone in two days time when Nesta flew home. His entire life as he knew it had changed; all for a woman who kept leaving him over and over again, a woman who hadn’t thought he was worth fighting for.

And somehow, the most disappointing part of the whole thing, was that he couldn’t bring himself to regret it.


	4. Part 3 (Nesta POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for strong language, sexual tension, and depictions of sex. NSFW.

Once alone again, Nesta burrowed under the covers and tried to resume her sleep. Waking up with Cassian had been a shock to her system; considering their usual meetings ended with him slipping out before she woke for the day. Truthfully, Nesta had been far too content to wake up wrapped around him, as if they were waking up in her Velaris apartment two years prior.

There were so many times since their relationship ended that they’d met up, and she had felt almost compelled to word vomit her persisting feelings for him. By that time, she had already accepted her new position and moved several states away, so she always decided in favor of keeping those words to herself. It was stupid, and cowardly, but she had succeeded in putting a nail in the coffin that was their relationship too well to muddle things with a post-coital love declaration.

What would be the outcome of such a conversation anyway? They would fight, no doubt. They always struggled to communicate emotionally, even in their earliest days. Having that conversation intimidated her in a way that wasn’t characteristic of her personality, but she always talked herself into telling him “next time” they saw one another. The problem was that they saw each other so infrequently that she was unwilling to hash those things out at the expense of the blissful time they could spend in each other’s company.

Even if that very conversation could be the healthiest and most productive one of her adult life, the fact remained that the odds were now stacked against them. She didn’t live in Velaris anymore, and she couldn’t exactly ask Cassian to uproot to be closer to her. They hadn’t even dated for four months, and any second-go they could hypothetically take at their relationship would be an incredible risk overall. They had so many things to hash out, so many things left unsaid, and she’d fucked everything up by running away from him— and herself— before she managed to process a single thing.

Despite their past, she really did want him to be happy. She and Cassian may have brought the worst out in each other (and still did occasionally), but his heart was genuine. The man deserved to be happy, yet her selfishness always interfered with her ability to let him be happy with someone other than her.

Which is why she was here, in Velaris, grasping at the smallest dose of Cassian she could hope to contact. She’d so artfully talked herself into believing that was all they could manage, that anything more would end in ruins just as they did before. They weren’t meant for forever, she told herself. They were meant to burn up hard and bright.

—

Nesta’s ride share dropped her on the sidewalk out front of Elain’s flower shop around 10am. The coffees in each of her hands were starting to burn her slightly, so she hurried to the door and knocked gently with the toe of her shoe. Elain hurried forward, immediately relieving her of one of the cups and showing her where to put her bag while they worked.

As Elain talked, Nesta’s eyes wandered all over the shop. She marveled at the difference Elain had made in this new location in just a few months since moving in, and pride exploded through her chest for her little sister. They settled in to easy chit chat as Elain tasked her with things she could do, and Nesta found herself really enjoying the repetitive nature of the small jobs she was assigned. There was something oddly therapeutic about processing boxes of shipment and adding planters to Elain’s inventory list; just enough to keep her occupied without any room for her anxious thoughts.

Elain had walked to the back room to store some of the planters away on the shelves when the door chimed. Nesta was unsure of what to do in this case. She had never been a strong candidate for a customer service position, even on her best day.

“We’re closed,” she announced, barely looking up from the computer screen. The figure in the doorway had her doing a double take.

“Can I recommend locking the door, then?” Cassian teased, but the light didn’t quite meet his eyes, she noticed.

“What—“

“Cass! Hi!” Elain greeted as she walked out of the back room. “What are you doing here?”

She shot a nervous look toward Nesta, but she seemed to relax when her sister didn’t show any signs of an impending meltdown.

“I’m here to help Az,” he explained, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Elain’s cheek.

Nesta bristled a little at their closeness, their familiarity. Of course, Cassian was Elain’s brother-in-law, but she’d convinced herself that their relationship was polite at best. Her ego had presented itself yet again in such a short interval of time.

“Where is he, anyway?”

“He left about a half-hour ago, grumbling about my complete lack of the tools he needed to put all the shelving units together. I think he headed to the house to grab some things, so he should be back any minute.”

Cassian huffed a laugh. “I see. Well, where do you want me in the meantime?”

Elain looked from him to Nesta, then back to Cassian. “I didn’t realize Az had recruited your help. I hope this isn’t weird...” she trailed off, repeating her anxious glances as before.

“It’s not,” they announced quickly, in unison. The action itself did nothing to support their claims.

Her sister tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans as she considered, a move Nesta knew to be a sign of discomfort.

“El, really. It’s fine. You might as well make him work while he’s here.”

Cassian’s eyes snapped up to hers, that familiar glint of amusement returning to them.

“Right... Cass, I guess you can help with what I’m doing. Nesta is unloading those boxes to add them to inventory, and I’m hauling them to the back to stage them how I want them organized. It would go a lot faster if you would transfer them from Nesta to me while I stock them.”

“10-4, boss,” he announced with a small, two-finger salute.

Nesta fought a small smile at that; hoping to remain as neutral as possible, despite the fact that her heart was beating erratically at his presence. Damn him again for having such an effect on her.

Elain returned to her original task in the stock room, occasionally throwing out questions to Nesta or instructions to Cassian. They all settled into a certain rhythm until the front door opened again, and Azriel entered the shop. He set down his bag before glancing up at her, his hazel eyes growing twice their usual size in alarm.

“Nesta. Hi. I didn’t know—“

Cassian, thankfully, rounded the corner at that moment and saved Nesta from the awkward interaction. Clearly, Elain and her husband hadn’t communicated well in their planning.

“About time, brother. We’ve been breaking our backs here,” he joked.

“Cassian has been here for _maybe_ twenty minutes,” Nesta added, earning a small smirk from Azriel.

“Figures,” he muttered.

As if on cue, Elain came around the same corner and nearly ran directly into Cassian’s frame. She halted on a dime, her eyes landing on Azriel near the front door. She made eye contact with her husband, tension etched into her soft face.

“Azriel,” she began, “can you come help me back here for a second?”

“Uh, yeah,” he responded, his hand lifting to rub the back of his neck.

“We’ll be right back!” Elain announced cheerfully, before disappearing to the back room.

Cassian perched his hip on the counter, lazily watching Nesta work while he waited for Elain’s next request. She tried not to flush under his appreciation, but her body wasn’t cooperating. Ignoring his clear attention, she decided to train her focus heavily on the item numbers she was typing as if they were the launch codes to the nation’s nuclear missiles.

The task served its purpose well enough that she didn’t notice Cassian’s movement. He stood behind her, hands leaning on the counter and his arms caging her in. Her body heated up immediately at the realization. It only intensified when Cassian spoke, his mouth so close to the sensitive skin behind her ear.

“Looks like we got recruited for the same task today,” he murmured, and she wondered how he could make such a bland statement nearly erotic.

“How much money would you bet that they didn’t talk this out beforehand?” Nesta asked as she leaned into him slightly.

“Judging by the hushed talking that’s happening back there, I’d take that bet.”

Before Nesta could respond she felt the faint pressure of his teeth against the shell of her ear. She groaned as she leaned more heavily against him, her task momentarily forgotten.

“Those leggings are fucking killing me, Nes,” he rasped, before placing a warm kiss to her neck.

She arched her back at his words, feeling victorious at the hiss that the action pulled from him.

“Maybe you should mind your own business, then,” she retorted, even though her body wouldn’t cooperate with the snark she attempted.

Cassian laughed softly, the sound low and gravelly. Nesta felt the laugh against her back, but it was quickly forgotten when she felt the fingers of his right hand ghosting gently from her thigh and up to her hip. The whimper that left her throat was unintentional and definitely not the encouragement she needed to be offering in their current setting. She regretfully leaned away from his body, her own very hot and very bothered.

“Go do something productive, you,” she snapped, but it held only a fraction of its usual bite. “Your sister-in-law is trying to get her new shop set up, and you’re wasting daylight.”

Cassian’s warm laugh embraced her again as he complied, moving to unload boxes for her until Elain assigned his next job. It was another couple of minutes before Elain and Azriel emerged from the the back room; a little tense, but okay overall. The men broke away to start working on the shelving units as Elain approached Nesta at the computer.

“I’m really sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know Az asked Cassian for help, and Az didn’t realize I spoke to you. I hope you know we would never intentionally make you two uncomfortable.”

“Elain, stop it. I promise it’s okay. You two don’t have to tip toe around us forever, you know. We’ll manage.”

Her shoulders seemed to relax at Nesta’s words. They resumed their respective tasks, occasionally hearing muttered curses from the brothers who seemed to be struggling with the shelf construction. They shared a few good-natured laughs at the men’s expense before Nesta got wrapped up in her task, tuning them out entirely. She was so focused that Elain’s voice startled her once she spoke again.

“Hey, so. Since you and Cass are cool with co-existing... how do you feel about dinner at the new wine bar in downtown Velaris tomorrow night? I think it’s called Starfall?” Elain asked, ending on an upward inflection as if Nesta would have any frame of reference to correct her. “They have a Sunday Funday where they serve wine flights and have trivia, and I thought it could be some low-key fun before you fly out the next morning.”

Nesta considered for a moment, but it was a pretty easy sell overall. Wine, trivia, and her family sounded like a blissful combination.

“Yeah. I’d love that.”

“Yay! Okay, good. I’ll send everyone a text!” Elain announced enthusiastically before turning her attention back to the succulents she was arranging.

—

It only took another hour or so for Nesta to finish data entry and help Elain finish up some repotting. They said their goodbyes to the guys who were finishing up their last shelving unit, teasing them lightly for taking too long. The two of them nearly chased the women off, vowing retaliation if they didn’t leave and take their jokes with them.

Elain offered to drive Nesta back to her hotel rather than ordering a ride. She listened to her sister’s vehement appreciation for helping her and told her no less than a dozen times that the thanks were unnecessary. Elain shrugged off the sentiment before hugging her tightly and promising to keep her informed on the next day’s plans.

Exhaustion weighed heavily on Nesta’s shoulders as she trudged toward the elevators; a combination of limited hours of sleep, overthinking, and general labor. By the time she punched her floor’s number, she was nearly fantasizing about the nap that awaited her. The blackout curtains would be pulled, the air conditioner would be set low, and she would bundle up under the fluffy duvet. It was going to be magical.

Once all the preparations were made, Nesta slipped out of her clothes to hop into the shower and wash her body. Her linens had already been refreshed for the day, and she refused to lie down covered in sweat and a light dusting of soil. Those things did not an epic nap make.

Before she walked into the bathroom and shut the door, her eyes caught on a white tee that was neatly laid on the desk of the room. She recognized it as Cassian’s undershirt from the night before, likely placed there by whomever refreshed her room. She only considered for a moment before deciding it was the perfect nap shirt; long, oversized, and Cassian’s.

The last attribute had her feeling slightly pathetic, like a girl obsessed with a guy who only paid her any mind in the bedroom, but she was too tired to care. Unfortunately, that was her perception of the truth anyway, so feeling pathetic only served to make her miserable instead of her enjoying her time in Velaris. In short, it didn’t matter how she felt about it if it wasn’t going to change her mind.

Nesta took one of the fastest showers of her life before slipping the white tee over her head and padding to the bed. She forewent grabbing any bottoms since the shirt was nearly to her knees, and she didn’t feel especially tolerant of any delays to her nap. Cassian’s scent enveloped her as she lay between the sheets, lasting only seconds until sleep claimed her.

—

The beep of her keypad and click of the lock caused Nesta to stir, yet she couldn’t quite place the sound in her slumber. She grimaced against the light of a small lamp, but she was instantly comforted by being within the shadow of the form obstructing it from her face. The bed dipped under the figure’s weight, and she remained face down in her pillow as she was caged in by their limbs.

“You look cozy,” Cassian whispered, his nose trailing over the back of her neck and causing her skin to pebble.

“Mhm,” she mumbled into the pillow, although it didn’t accurately portray her delight at his presence.

He pressed lazy kisses up her spine and behind her ear, trailing over to her temple and cheek as he tried to rouse her from her deep sleep. Nesta was sure she was melting into a complete puddle within these sheets, leaving Cassian alone and confused. A whimper left her when she felt a pause in his affections, her physical response to him intensifying at the sound of his voice.

“Is this my shirt?” Cassian asked quietly, his tone almost reverent.

“It _was_ ,” she joked, her voice rough with disuse. How long had she been sleeping?

A chuckle rumbled through his chest, the vibrations against her back causing her skin to pebble yet again. Fuck, his laugh was one of the most attractive things about him.

“First, the leggings. Now, I find you sleeping in my undershirt. This is starting to feel intentional, sweetheart.”

His kisses intensified as he shifted his weight to one elbow and used his hand to pull the covers beneath her shoulders. A slightly embarrassing giggle bubbled out of Nesta at his proclamation, and she decided to turn over beneath him to return some of his affections. His eyes were soft as she looked at him, but his gaze trailed quickly to her mouth, her chest, her waist, before meeting hers again with pure heat shining through.

Nesta brought her hands to the nape of his neck, lacing her fingers into his hair and scratching his scalp. He nearly purred at the contact, his eyes fluttering shut. The way he looked in that moment was nearly sinful.

“I had no idea you would be at Elain’s, so the leggings definitely weren’t intentional,” she defended. “Your shirt was intentional for other reasons; not to torture you.”

She kissed his chin, his nose, and his full lips before he replied. “What was the intention?”

“To be comfortable during my nap, obviously.” She kissed him again, lingering a little longer than before and tugging gently at his hair. “And I didn’t hate that it still smells like you.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” he muttered against her mouth before pressing his weight into her further and kissing her senseless.

He pulled away from her reluctantly to kick off his shoes and his pants, leaving him in only his tee and boxers. Nesta held the blanket up so that he could finally join her fully beneath it, and she immediately pressed her body as flush to him as she could. Cassian rolled on top of her, resuming things right where they had left off.

His mouth moved to her neck, his weight supported by his elbows so that he could tangle his hands in her hair. Nesta lifted her chin for him and rolled her hips into his, nearly aching for friction.

“Remind me to steal your clothes more often,” she breathed.

“You’re only in town another day. My wardrobe should be safe for now,” he countered jokingly, as his mouth resumed its torture.

Dread and mild irritation coursed through her at the reminder.

Nesta groaned into his shoulder. “Don’t remind me. It gets harder and harder to leave every time I come home,” she admitted.

The realization was just a new to her as the admission was to Cassian, she thought. Regardless, it was true.

Cassian’s teeth raked over the tendon in her neck, and her hips snapped forward in response. One of his hands left her hair to hook behind her knee and pull her leg up and over his hip.

“You could always move back,” he responded, almost casually, despite the groans pouring from him as they moved together.

She knew it seemed like such a simple solution; to him and to most people. But, her life was well-established, her career was blossoming. She would be crazy to give it all up just because she didn’t like leaving Velaris on the rare occasion she visited.

“There’s nothing for me here,” she whispered beneath him.

Cassian flinched and froze mid-thrust. He pulled his head back to look at her, an incredible amount of emotion swimming through his dark eyes.

“What did you just say?” he asked her incredulously.

“There’s nothing for me here. In Velaris.”

He released his grip on her, sitting back on his knees to rub roughly at his face. The loss of contact left her cold and overly exposed.

“You can’t be serious. Nothing? How can you say there’s nothing in Velaris for you? Your closest friends are here. Your _family_ is here.” He scoffed then, as if he’d just heard the most absurd statement of his life.

“Cass— I didn’t mean it that way,” she explained, scooting back to prop against the headboard. “Of course I have friends and family here, but it’s different. I can’t relocate back to Velaris with my company, so I would have to start over completely. And I have friends there, too. My whole life is there.”

His eyes flared with anger, then. Nesta had to shake her head slightly to orient to this sudden shift in his mood, but before she could get her bearings, he was on his feet.

“And why is that?” he demanded.

When all she could offer was a look of confusion, he elaborated. “Why is it that your whole life is there?”

“Could you just get to your point? What the hell is wrong with you?”

His eyes squeezed shut as he tried to rein himself in, but he was hardly effective.

“It’s by _design_ , Nesta. Your whole life is there because you ran from your life here. Shit got complicated, and you left. You had everything here, and you gave it all up,” he spat, his voice raising again.

She could only blink for a few seconds as she processed his words. Her own temper was joining their party now; awakened by his blatant, unsolicited criticism of her life choices.

“I can’t believe you’re actually fucking mad at me right now. Who are you to decide if and when I had everything I needed? That’s awfully presumptuous,” she retorted coldly.

“You know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about. Why did you move in the first place?”

“I— I needed space. There was so much going on in my life, and I needed to get my head above water. We had just broken up, and I felt so fucking empty all the time. Healing and still trying to be who my friends and family needed was so much. It was too much,” she admitted. She thought he may soften at her vulnerability, but amazingly, it only served to stoke his anger.

“So is there _too much_ for you in Velaris? Or _nothing_ for you in Velaris? Because what I’m hearing is that you left Velaris because there was too much going on, but you can’t come back because there’s nothing. Seems pretty circular.”

Nesta pressed her fingers into her temples, massaging them roughly as she tried to formulate a coherent response. Cassian’s outburst was unexpected in both timing and intensity, and she found herself quickly overwhelmed.

“You’re being unfair,” she began placidly. “But if you want specifics, fine. I already mentioned by job and my friends, but if you insist on more...Everyone has their someone, and anytime I’m home, I’m reminded that I won’t have that here. The first night I was in, I found myself at Rhys and Feyre’s with everyone, and I was alone in a crowded room. I fucking hate it, Cass.”

“You left me,” he replied, his tone haunted and broken. “You had that in me, and you left to move across the fucking country to get away.”

“And where the fuck were you last night? Before I saw you at Rita’s, when everyone was at Feyre’s get-together. Where the fuck were you?” she yelled, feeling compelled by her anger to retaliate.

“That’s none of your business,” he deflected.

“None of the opinions you launched at me are your business either, but here we are. Where the fuck were you?”

Cassian’s jaw flickered in frustration, his neck and chest flushing a deeper red. “I was fighting with Julia,” he admitted, monotone.

“Exactly!” Nesta stood to that point, gesturing with her hands as she proved her case. “You were fighting with Julia— YOUR someone for the last however-many months. So don’t act like you’ve been in Velaris grieving the loss of our relationship, an innocent victim, for the past two years. I’m on enough women’s shit lists to know better than that,” she sneered.

Those hazel eyes glowed golden as he glared her way. “Ask me what we were fighting about.”

“That doesn’t matter. The point is that you are yet another person in my circle with—“

“We were fighting about you!” he interrupted, nearly exploding at the seams. “I asked her to go, and we fought about _you_ instead. Because despite the magical time that passed and healed all your wounds, she picked up on mine within days of meeting me. And although she’s never met you, she knows I’m incapable of being friends with you. Even I was stupid enough to think I could be friends with you, but she called it.” His chest heaved with the effort of his outburst, his lungs trying desperately to take in enough air.

_Even I was stupid enough to think I could be friends with you._

He may as well have hurled the words straight into her chest with how acutely she felt the blow. Everything about him was a walking juxtaposition. His tone was aggressive and cold, yet the words he actually spoke lended to the idea that he cared for her just as he did the day she left. But she could swear he hated her, too. It was all too much.

“So, while you’re there feeling alone in a room full of people, you’re actually sucking the air out of rooms you’ve never walked into,” he finished tensely. “I should just go.”

Cassian started to glance around to locate his discarded pants and shoes. The action alone sent panic straight through Nesta. She couldn’t fathom this being the last conversation they had before she went home, and it gutted her to keep hurting him with her words.

“Cass, wait,” she murmured, gripping his bicep to interrupt his search.

He reluctantly paused to turn toward her, and she wrapped her arms loosely around his middle. His eyes scanned her face, waiting less than patiently for her to continue.

“Just— stay,” she scrambled.

He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled a long breath, and she could almost hear the internal battle he was having with himself. His hands lifted to shadow over her upper arms as if he was painfully tempted to touch her, but she was an open flame.Nesta lifted her hands to lace them at the back of his neck and pull his forehead down to hers.

“Why?”

The question surprised her, but she wasn’t sure how loaded it was. She assumed the answer to be somewhere within their argument, and it felt oddly like a test. Maybe he was finally giving her the platform to lay her cards out, but she was terrified to say anything of the sort at the time.

“I... I want you to stay. I don’t want to leave things like this,” she whispered against his lips.

Cassian finally touched her, but only to hang his hands from her biceps. No pressure was applied, leading her to believe he was still deciding if he was going to pull her into him or pull her hands away from his neck.

“Nesta,” he whispered, his voice ragged and full of conflict.

“Please.” She gripped the nape of his neck harder, floating her lips over his and ghosting her nose along the side of his own.

His grip flexed on her arms, massaging them as he considered. His brows were furrowed tightly together, and his eyes never opened to look at her. His lack of response sent another wave of panic through Nesta. He had never once struggled so much with staying with her.

She scratched her nails lightly through his hair with one hand, her grip never loosening on his neck with the other.

“Please,” she pleaded. “I didn’t mean to make you mad at me— I’m sorry.”

Tears sprang to her eyes and lined her bottom lids; much to her annoyance.

“It’s not me you want, sweetheart,” he whispered back. His voice was pained, defeated even, and she honestly would have preferred if he yelled at her instead. “It’ll be easier if we call it now.”

Nesta’s heart started to beat through her chest. Why was she so painfully inept when it came to Cassian? Why couldn’t she have made her life easier by staying in Velaris to deal with her shit years ago? Why couldn’t she bear it if he hated her?

“Baby, don’t,” she whimpered, hating how pathetic she sounded.

Guilt worked its way through her system. She knew it was a cheap shot the second it left her mouth. Nesta had been adamantly against pet names the entirety of her life, much to the chagrin of numerous partners. One night, she had drunkenly called Cassian “baby”, and he’d looked so joyful that she made an exception while they were together. When she told him as much, he joked that he was honored to be the first and only to wear her down.

The groan that left the man in front of her showed that the name landed its mark. Shortly after, he was fisting both hands into her hair, angling her head back to capture her mouth fully.

“I fucking hate that I can’t walk away from you,” he ground out as he backed her toward the bed once more.

“I know.”

They stumbled over each other all the way to their destination, eager to be pressed against each other as tightly as possible. When Nesta’s back hit the mattress, Cassian’s arm was quickly around her waist to pull her further up the bed with him. They kissed each other roughly and thoroughly, as if it may be the last taste they ever got of one another. For all either of them knew, it was.

Nesta made quick work of his shirt before pushing his boxers down his legs with her feet. He shifted to kick them off the rest of the way before roughly gripping the hem of her shirt to pull it over her head.

“Cass,” she moaned. “I need to feel you.”

The rough moan that left his mouth had her soaked all over again, and if she thought she wanted to skip foreplay before, it was nothing compared to how she felt now. His mouth was all over her body, but paying special attention to her stomach, in that way that made her writhe beneath him.

Before she opened her mouth to tell him to get on with it, he was lining himself up with her entrance and sliding into her in one fluid thrust. He captured her mouth roughly again, kissing her wildly and nibbling her bottom lip as she adjusted to him. The sounds he made as she clenched and unclenched around him were nearly sinful; no one had the right to sound like he did in bed.

“How is it that you make me batshit crazy, but I can’t get enough?” Cassian groaned against her mouth as he started to rock his hips.

She tugged his hair at the base of his skull as she kissed him, not quite ready to give up any contact to answer his question.

“Don’t know,” she breathed into his mouth. “I wonder the same about you.”

“Fuck, Nesta. You feel incredible,” he praised, picking up his pace.

All she could manage was a moan in acknowledgement. Her body was a live wire, and she was trying to maintain at least a little of her dignity by not immediately losing all composure. Cassian rocked his hips into hers harder, encouraged by the sounds she gave him.

After a few seconds, he leaned away to look down into her face. Without warning, his hands found her own, lifting them above her head as far as they could manage together and thrusted into her sharply. Nesta cried out at the blissful sensation of him filling so deeply, offering some resistance with her hands to allow him any leverage he may need as he worked her.

Cassian took full advantage of her assistance and gripped her hands tightly as he snapped his hips into hers. His pace was steady, the two of them rocking on the bed together as he moved.

“You’re so godsdamned beautiful,” he murmured, lowering his gaze to shamelessly watch as her breasts bounced with each thrust.

“I’m— I’m so close,” Nesta announced, her voice high-pitched and a little unhinged.

His eyes snapped up to hers then, scanning the entirety of her face as she began to clench tightly around him. Gods, it was so hard to think straight when he looked at her like that. Nesta lifted her head slightly to press her lips to his in a fierce kiss, their lips lightly brushing once they broke away. Both were panting now as they barreled toward their release, breathing out only to immediately breathe each other in.

“Come with me?” Nesta moaned.

An almost pained expression flashed across Cassian’s face as he fought to delay his release at her words. His grip on her hands tightened, the two of them white-knuckled as they clung to one another. Nesta held her breath as her body tightened, loudly crying out his name as she came. Cassian let go of his control immediately, his hips stuttering as she tightened deliciously around him.

“Oh _shit_ ,” he cried out, tucking his face into Nesta’s shoulder as his release quickly approached.

He slammed his hips home, causing Nesta’s back to arch sharply as the force pushed the both of them up the mattress. His gruff voice echoed against her skin as he cried out her name, sending goosebumps over her entire body. He released one of her hands to pull her hips tightly into his as if he couldn’t get close enough to her through his orgasm, and Nesta used her free hand to cradle the back of his head as they eased down from their pleasure.

Cassian sagged against her, his weight pinning her to the mattress in the best way possible. She decided she could stay like that all day, but to her dismay, he eased out of her to lie down on the bed. After the heated conversation they had, they loss of contact was nearly unbearable, causing Nesta to immediately curl into him. Cassian didn’t complain. He pulled her tightly into his side, a hum on contentment rumbling through his broad chest.

 _Next time I’m home_ , she thought to herself; unwilling to return to the earlier tension between them. _I’ll tell him everything next time._


	5. Part 4 (Cassian POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for strong language and mature dialogue.

Cassian sat in a large circle booth in the corner of Rita's, sipping his beer and trying to ignore Nesta's thigh resting near his own. Luckily for him, Elain was sitting to his right and slightly tipsy, so she offered a pretty humorous distraction from the mess that was his brain. A sense of warmth fell over him at being surrounded by his family for this Sunday Funday.

They were several rounds into trivia and just as many drinks in; the group leaning on Cassian for all questions to do with history and geography. He started to be a little concerned with the educational system in Velaris considering how little everyone knew of the two, but he supposed he'd taken a special interest in them outside the norm. Truthfully, each member of their circle had their strong suit, but the drinks were actively sabotaging them at varying levels.

"You know," Elain mused. "It's kinda hot to watch you play trivia, Cass."

His head snapped toward his sister-in-law, rosy-cheeked and leaning her head back on her husband's shoulder. She had a small, mischievous grin on her face as her eyes scanned his face for a reaction. Nesta tensed next to him, but he decided to leave that unaddressed.

"Elain!" Feyre exclaimed, that same flush across her freckled cheeks. Her eyes slid to Cassian with a conspiratorial glint to them. "She's not wrong though. I especially liked the part where you corrected Nesta on the continent of Erilea."

"Oo, definitely. I don't know; I think it's maybe how competitive you are combined with the confidence when you're right. I like it," Elain continued.

Azriel shook his head affectionately at his wife's antics, and pressed a kiss to her temple. He shot Cassian a look meant to communicate his apologies at his wife's objectifications.

"Alright, that was _one_ question. Excuse me for getting Melisande and Fenharrow backwards," Nesta defended, although a smile quirked at the corner of her mouth.

"Yeah, but the question specifically mentioned Skulls Bay," Cassian argued. "If Melisande and Fenharrow were swapped the way you were saying, that would put the bay on a completely opposite coast, in the Gulf of Orso. Ridiculous." He shot a wink to Feyre for good measure.

Feeling that he'd successfully made his case, Cassian took a sip of his beer and angled his eyes toward Nesta. He loved the way her eyes sparked at a challenge, and he wasn't willing to miss it. Without realizing it, she humored his desires.

"Don't be a snob," she countered quietly, for only him to hear.

Her lips were drawn up in a flirtatious smile, and he had to look away to distract himself from taking the bottom one between his teeth. The moderator announced the next round, and they eased into a comfortable banter among the group. Before he knew it, the first intermission was upon them, and everyone went their separate ways for drink refreshments and bathroom breaks. Cassian had a sneaking suspicion that Az and Elain had just stumbled into the bathroom together, but he wouldn't dream of holding it against them, the lovebirds.

Feyre and Cassian were the first two back to the table, and they settled into easy chitchat as usual. He couldn't pass up the opportunity to apologize for not showing up at her gathering a couple of nights prior. His sister-in-law accepted his apology gracefully, and he was incredibly grateful for the fact. He had witnessed the alternative, the Feyre who refused to let go of her anger, and he was glad that he wasn't on the receiving end.

A strong buzzing sounded in their booth, but neither of them paid much attention. Most of their friends had left their phones either on the table or in their bags, so it was hardly a surprise. However, after 4-5 additional buzzes in a row, Cassian's eyes started to scan the table for whose phone was blowing up. He wished he hadn't when his eyes landed on Nesta's phone, the name "Tomas" showing six missed messages.

"Uhh, Fey. Should we let Nes know her phone is going off?"

Feyre leaned over the table to glance at the screen quickly. Cassian felt a little shitty about invading Nesta's privacy, but he also wasn't sure if the matter was urgent. He hadn't intended to keep tabs on her, but he was afraid she would see it that way. Feyre only rolled her eyes as she sat back into the booth.

"I can go get her," he offered.

"She'll be back soon enough. He's constantly keeping tabs on her when she's in Velaris. It's like he can't stand when she's anywhere other than their apartment back home." Her tone was full of contempt for the man.

Cassian's ears were ringing, and he felt his pulse shoot through the roof. He wasn't entitled enough to assume she shouldn't be dating or that she should have told him, but the idea that they lived together gutted him. His vacant stare was locked on the neck of his beer bottle as he spun it on the table between his thumb and middle finger when Nesta reclaimed her seat next to him.

"Hi," she announced, checking his shoulder with her own playfully. "Did your brain break serve you well? We have a way to go, and clearly, you'll have to carry us through."

A chuckle left him, but his heart wasn't fully in it. He knew he needed to put on a brave face, that her living with Tomas was none of his business. That didn't mean it didn't make his skin crawl.

"I'll manage," he replied. "Oh, your phone was going off a good bit while you were gone. Just wanted you to know in case it's important."

"Oh!" Her eyes scanned the table for her device, and she picked it up to check her notifications. "Oh."

Her lack of enthusiasm only made him worry more.

"It's just Tomas," she replied nonchalantly. "He was being impatient because I hadn't text him about when I land tomorrow."

"You don't have to explain it to me, Nes," he told her quietly.

"No, I know. Sorry. Just thinking out loud, I guess."

Cassian took a deep breath, holding it in his lungs longer than usual in the hopes that he could get his blood pressure down. After the tension of their conversation yesterday, he didn't want to expose himself to Nesta right now. It would be much easier if he could chalk it all up to jealousy in its purest form, but he knew it was more than that. The idea that she was living with Tomas ripped the scab off of a very old wound.

He made it through the next few rounds of trivia pretty seamlessly, considering. The second intermission was upon them before he realized, and he sagged into the booth once everyone had scattered as they had during the first. His chest was still a little tight from earlier, and he decided to make his way out the backdoor of Rita's for a bit of fresh air.

The parking lot was dimly lit and quiet; somewhat of a miracle as far as Cassian was concerned. He leaned against the building, one of his feet kicked back against the wall and his hands in the pockets of his chinos. His lungs gulped down the crisp, evening air greedily.

The opening of Rita's backdoor, and the subsequent roar of a small crowd, jarred his senses rudely. His head snapped toward the door, just in time to see Nesta slipping out and shutting it quickly behind her. He took in her fitted black dress, hugging each of her delicate curves in a way that tortured him. The look on her face wasn't much better; her brows scrunched together in concern.

"There you are," she murmured. "I thought you were staying at the table, but you were gone when I got back."

"Needed some fresh air," he replied neutrally. "I'm alright."

She seemed unsatisfied with his answer, massaging her fingers together as she found her words.

"I met someone you work with at the bar," she decided on, leaning on casual conversation in the pursuit of normalcy.

"Who's that? I don't remember seeing anyone."

"Devlon, I think? It was a little loud when he told me, so I could be off."

"I work with a Devlon. He's a giant fucking prick," he announced with a half-smile.

Her delicate laugh flowed over him. "I don't know. He seemed okay for the few minutes I spoke to him. Although, he asked for my number almost immediately without knowing anything about me, so that lends more to your point," she joked.

Cassian's shoulders tensed immediately, leaving him to wonder if she knew how effectively she could agitate him. Sometimes, he felt like a cat that Nesta was hellbent on petting backwards.

"And did you give it to him?"

"I gave him a number. It wasn't _my_ number," she said casually.

"Probably for the best. Tomas doesn't seem like the type to take kindly to long-distance friends you met in a bar," he stated. He didn't really know why.

That was a lie. He knew why, and he was letting his anger run far more than he should. Cassian wished he understood why his anger felt acutely like a cloak of comfort, a proverbial suit of armor. Why couldn't he feel that way about a more productive emotion?

Nesta stiffened in front of him, but it was the only indication of her irritation. "It's not Tomas' business. But for some reason, I don't think you care on Tomas' behalf," she replied cooly.

"You caught me. I don't."

"Then what's the problem?"

"There isn't one."

Nesta blew a large breath through her mouth, pinching the bridge of her nose in the process. The nerve of her to dare look exasperated by his emotions when she so artfully screwed them up on the regular. The action had him seeing red all over again.

"Is this about yesterday?"

"Nope," he quipped, popping the "p" for emphasis. He tried to keep it short, knowing that saying anything more may lead to things he would regret.

"Why do you have to be like this? We've had fun all evening. Why do you make everything so difficult?" she demanded, her patience rapidly making its exit.

"I'm not being difficult, Nesta. I'm just... processing. Something I had intended to do alone until you showed up. I was hoping to avoid this very fucking problem."

"What? Are you jealous or something? You've been quiet ever since my phone went off, but you insisted it wasn't you business. So which is it?"

"It's not my business," he snapped, his voice raising slightly at her prodding. "And I wish I was. I wish I was just jealous and territorial, but all I can think about is how our relationship was moving too fast for you. How you left just as things were getting serious. And I hear from _Feyre,_ not you*,* that you're living with him. I have the right to work through my bullshit. I never asked you to do it for me."

Cassian pushed himself off the wall to brush past her, needing to have her out of his field of vision for two seconds. He lost his bearing long ago, but he was hoping to reel himself in enough to—

A growl sounded behind him, one he knew far too well. "This is how we're going to leave things then? I leave tomorrow, Cassian. Why couldn't we end on a high note?"

He didn't answer; assumed the question to be rhetorical as he raked his hands through his hair in frustration.

" _Gods_ , I fucking hate you sometimes," she spat under her breath.

Cassian's shoulders shot up, nearly to his ears with the amount of tension her words occasioned. He whirled around before he could think better of it, closing the distance between them. Nesta wouldn't look at him, her gaze alternating between their feet and his chest.

"You know what I think? I think you're a fucking liar," he stated calmly, his voice low and damn near lethal.

He leaned into her further, bending slightly to breathe the words directly into her ear.

"Hating me would imply you ever cared in the first place," he muttered coldly, before stepping to the side and walking back into Rita's.

—

Cassian awoke early the next morning and cursed his biological clock for not allowing him to sleep any later than sunrise. His head throbbed from the alcohol he consumed the night before, amplified by the adrenaline and anger that poisoned his bloodstream, too. Unfortunately, his brain didn't do him the service of blocking out the end of trivia night, and the awkwardness flooded him tenfold.

After their spat behind Rita's, they had rejoined their friends at the table for the last round. Only this time, Nesta sat on the outside of the booth next to Feyre. No one dared comment on the development, and Cassian had kept it nonchalant as possible in hopes that everyone assumed it was an innocent seating change.

He couldn't help running over their conversation yet again. His behavior was frankly embarrassing, and he wished he had been more successful in restraining his anger. Cassian wasn't totally convinced that he even meant the shit he said, which made it all worse somehow.

Rolling over to locate his phone, he registered the time. 6:30 am. He groaned as he dropped back into the pillow, uttering a curse at the impact. His heart was beating double-time as he considered the previous night, and a certain resolve settled over him as he worked through it.

Cassian was tired of running, tired of pretending he was ever going to get over Nesta. His eyes squeezed shut as he tried to remember what time her flight left until he landed on 10 am. She was forever prepared, one to always arrive early at the airport, which meant she would probably order a car to pick her up around 7:30.

He jumped out of bed, grabbing his chinos from the night before and a hoodie off the end of his bed. His keys and wallet were blessedly on his bedside table, saving him valuable time in finding them. Cassian had no idea what he was going to say when he got there, but he hoped Nesta would let him try to work through his words to tell her how gone for her he remained after all this time.

Pride and self-preservation had yet to serve him the way he always thought they would. They hadn't protected him from getting hurt time and time again. He was going to force himself to drop his guard; force himself to finally articulate how he felt. Even if it all went to shit, and Nesta rejected him flat out, at least he wouldn't live with the constant nag of what-ifs.

The alternative was nerve-wrecking, too. No one would ever claim they didn't have shit to work out, but he wanted to do it with her. He ran through the barriers in his head; their distance, their communication issues, their pride. None of those things seemed big enough as he pulled into the parking lot of Knight Hotel. If all went well, he could drive her to the airport as they figured out their game plan.

Cassian knew they could do this. If they could hold a torch for each other all these years, that dedication could be reallocated.

He knocked firmly on her door, but tried not to be too obnoxious in consideration of her neighbors. A few seconds passed before he remembered the hotel key in his wallet, and he fumbled to take it out in his haste. The lock beeped, then clicked, letting him know it was unlocked. He pushed himself through the door, taking in a deep breath to steel himself enough to face her.

"Nesta?" he called into the room, the lights in the room indicating that she was already up for the day. He wanted to be sure and announce his presence. Having a key didn't necessarily mean she would be expecting him just before 7 am.

His eyes scanned the room, taking in the unmade bed where she had slept. It took him a few more seconds of looking around to realize he had a problem. The bathroom light was off. Her suitcase was no longer sprawled across the small sofa. Her jacket and her bag were no longer hanging off the back of the desk chair.

Nesta was already gone.

—

Cassian flung himself onto his couch, having just woken up for the second time that day. After leaving the Knight Hotel, he'd gone home to change for the gym and pushed himself through a pretty miserable workout to blow off some of the steam. He had called the office to take a sick day and only stayed awake long enough to shower and shove food into his mouth. He grabbed his phone to make a call, realizing he'd slept nearly the entire day.

"Hi, 'Ian," his friend greeted, her tone even, yet mildly pleasant.

"Hey," he muttered into the phone, face smushed into one of the throw pillows of his couch. "Can you come over? Please?"

He hated how pitiful he sounded, but at this point, it shouldn't surprise him that his time with Nesta had been a double-edged sword.

"Cauldron," the voice muttered, razor sharp and dry. "Should I bring some wine?"

"Harder."

"Shit. I'll make a stop on my way. If you can tolerate the delay, that is."

"Don't be an asshole. I'll see you in a bit," he replied, ending the call before she could answer him.

—

About 45 minutes later, a knock sounded at the door. Cassian dragged his body off the couch and trudged heavily toward it, popping it open unceremoniously.

"You look like shit," Amren announced, no hint of apology in her voice.

"I told you not to be an asshole, 'Ren."

His pain-in-the-ass of a friend only rolled her eyes, utterly unimpressed by the warning in his deep voice. "Friend" didn't exactly seem like the appropriate word for her, though. They met each other years ago through Rhysand, and they had bonded over being a pair of dark, jaded little orphans who shared a desire to succeed in life, if not to spite their pasts. No, Amren had become more like a sister. They had the track record of fights to prove it.

"I don't see how it makes me an asshole to tell you the truth," she countered. "So, are you going to tell me why you called me on a Monday afternoon looking like hell and making me stop for liquor?"

She set the brown paper bag on the table with a thud before walking to his kitchen to grab two tumblers. She poured two-fingers worth of the amber liquid in each and handed one to Cassian.

"Well, as you so lovingly pointed out already, I'm a fucking mess. I need your brain."

"Okay, lay it on me. Tell me everything."

So, he did. He told her of his fight with Julia, why he hadn't shown up to Rhys and Feyre's party, waking up with Nesta the next morning, his conversation with Az, Julia doubling down on their break -up while he took the coward's way out and stayed quiet on meeting up with Nesta. He mentioned working at Elain's shop, seeing Nesta again, their fight, and how they had swept things under the rug for the umpteenth time. And finally, he told her of trivia night, their most recent argument, and how he'd shown up at her hotel room that morning to find it empty.

Amren was an attentive listener, sipping her whiskey as he spoke. He knew by her intermittent frowns that he wouldn't be getting off easy when he gave her the floor to speak, but he acknowledged that she wouldn't give him anything he didn't deserve.

"So, yeah. That about sums it all up." Cassian blew out a long breath, feeling like he had lived a year in the last three days.

"Hmm," Amren considered. "Well, that's a hell of a lot to sort through."

Cassian huffed a laugh, but he stayed quiet while she collected her thoughts.

"I won't stay on this long because I know that you know this already. But Julia absolutely deserved better from you. She's a sweet woman, and she really liked you."

He nodded deliberately, acknowledging her point and hoping to portray that he did know it.

"That being said, I know your heart is better than that. It's your greatest gift and your biggest downfall all in one. Unfortunately for Julia, I think she's an innocent victim in all this. She deserves your honesty, dude."

"I know," he nearly whispered, his eyes fixed on the tumbler resting atop his knee.

"Now that we understand each other on the Julia front, let's move to the recurring theme of your life. Please know I don't mean this question to sound insulting, but I don't know how else to say it. Have you considered, in the last two years, just fucking talking to her?"

"I knew that shit was coming. And yes, I have. I just told you I was going to do it this morning."

"And did you call her when you left the Knight Hotel? Because she has a cell phone.

"Yes, Amren," he ground out. "I thought to _call her_. She didn't answer."

"Can't really blame her for that," Amren mused quietly. "You were a complete dick last night."

"Alright, I get it. I'm a shitty person. Have you ever noticed that it seems like I'm shittiest when I'm with her? Maybe that's enough reason to not say anything."

His friend considered this, her eyes softening a little at his self-deprecation.

"Cassian. As someone who knew you before Nesta, while you were together, and post-Nesta, the only time you're 'shitty' is when you're insisting that you don't want to be with her. Sure, you had your problems when you were together. You two refused to communicate literally ever— which still rings true, by the way— but you have never been someone to cheat on other people and weave this giant web of lies.

He could only nod his in acknowledgement, her words hitting him straight in the chest.

"And here you are, doing it yet again. Because she means so much to you that you'll do all those things in the hopes that it'll be the time you two figure it all out."

"That certainly hasn't paid off for me," he said, throwing his whiskey back and leaning forward to pour another glass.

"No, it hasn't. You need to start being honest with yourself and honest with her. Otherwise, leave anyone else out of it."

"That's the thing, 'Ren. I got a wild hair to leap out of bed this morning and word vomit everything, only to find an empty hotel room and listen to her voicemail. I think that speaks volumes," he said.

"Right. And you've been doing this shit for years now, where you assume you know what she's thinking rather than letting her tell you for herself," Amren insisted firmly.

Cassian felt his temper flare once again at her words. "Well, shit Amren. Why does it always fall on me? Why should it be my responsibility all the time?"

"Because you're the one throwing your life to the wind anytime she's within three miles. No one else can fix this shit for you." Her voice was razor sharp and slightly raised, letting him know she had zero intentions of taking any of his shit.

He took a deep breath to steel his nerves enough to admit to her what he had always been too proud to tell anyone in his life. It was too raw, too embarrassing, and he had carried it on his heart as a result.

"I told her I loved her," he murmured, finally glancing up toward Amren again. "When we were dating. It's why she left."

"What? Surely that's not the reason she—"

"It fucking terrifies me to go through that again. Because I told her I loved her, that I'd never felt like that with anyone else, and she ended it three days later. She hadn't said it back."

"Fuck, Cass," she whispered, her face crumpling slightly at his admission.

"Yeah," he breathed. "So forgive me for not lining up to do that shit again."

"That's why Tomas bothered you so much," she guessed. "She wasn't willing to commit to you and you found out they live together."

He wasn't surprised that Amren saw through him immediately.

"If it's any consolation," she continued, "they aren't together. They broke up months ago."

Cassian's eyes grew wide as he looked at her, guilt settling over him for the things he said the night before. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," she breathed. "They were roommates first; something about him being a co-worker's friend that had an extra room. That's how they met in the first place. They dated for a few months and broke up before their lease was up."

"I'm such a bastard," he muttered. "How did you know that?"

"I still talk to her. You didn't get exclusive rights to me in the break-up," she joked, extended her leg to poke his thigh with her toe.

"I didn't agree to that," he grumbled, pushing her tiny foot away from him.

Amren leaned forward to set her glass on his coffee table and scooted closer to him. She extended her arm in quiet invitation, and Cassian nearly fell into her shoulder in true dramatic fashion.

His tiny friend groaned at the impact. "Gods, Ian. I forget how heavy you are," she commented, her arm draping over his shoulder and the opposite hand working to push his hair from his face.

He smiled at the nickname; particularly at the memory of the confused looks on his brothers' faces the first time they heard her use it. Cassian had long since called her Ren, much to her annoyance, and she'd decided one day that she would only use the second half of his name in retaliation. He would never admit it to her, but it had irritated him slightly in the beginning, mostly because it sounded like another first name altogether.

Rhys and Az had just stared at their friend as if she was having a stroke or losing her mind. The humorous part was watching Amren help them arrive at the answer, totally unaffected by their skepticism of her mental wellness.

> _"What's my name?"_

> _"Amren."_

> _"Right. What does Cassian call me?"_

> _"Ren."_

> _"Beautiful. Rhys, what's the first half of Cassian's name?"_

> _"Cass."_

> _She only pointed a slender finger at Az. "And the second?"_

> _"Ian."_

> _Her finger pointed back toward Rhys to cue him again. "One more time."_

> _"Cass."_

> _Then finally, Az again. "Ian."_

The collective "Ohhh" they'd emitted afterward caused the others to erupt in laughter, save for Amren, who only walked toward her seat on the couch with smug indifference. He snuggled deeper into her shoulder, suddenly flooded with gratitude for this savage little woman in his life. It was that same woman who broke the silence again.

"So, we're not planning to talk to Nesta then?" Amren asked, making sure she understood their conclusion.

Cassian took a long, awkward pull of whiskey due to his placement on Amren's shoulder. "I don't know if I see a point right now."

"Okay," she breathed, smoothing his hair back in a rare show of affection, "then you have to let her go."


	6. Part 5 (Nesta POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning— PLEASE READ! 
> 
> This chapter contains depictions of emotional manipulation, some physical abuse, and the use of sex as a way of escaping an abusive encounter. I have marked that scene with **TW** so that you’ll know where to stop reading if these things are especially sensitive for you, and I marked the end of that scene with **** so that you can resume reading if you wish.  
> However, please do not feel obligated to read ANYTHING beyond the TW. A very short, nondescript summary of what happens will be in future chapters as Nesta leans on her friends and family for support, so any gaps will be filled that way. And in the event that they aren’t clear enough, I am more than happy to answer questions rather than anyone feeling as though they have to expose themselves to graphic content they’re uncomfortable with. 
> 
> Other warnings include: strong language, post-traumatic emotional response

Nesta flung her bag into the backseat of Tomas’ car before dropping heavily into his front seat. A 2-hour layover combined with the time change wore on her bones, and she wanted nothing more than to slide under her duvet. She silently praised her past self for washing her sheets before she left.

“How was your trip?” Tomas asked, pulling away from the curb.

“Fine. I spent some time with my family, so it was fun.”

A quiet snort from Tomas. “I’m sure it was.”

Nesta’s head snapped in his direction, but she decided to say nothing. She had no desire to stoke his temper, and his passive aggression was a delicate cliff on which to balance.

The drive from the airport was fairly uneventful. Both opted for silence for the majority of the trip and listened to whatever happened to play through the car stereo. They were almost to their apartment, no more than two miles from potential serenity, when her ex opened his big fucking mouth.

“So, did you get to see him, too?”

“Who?” she asked tentatively, but she knew where this was going. No one got under Tomas Mandray’s skin like Cassian did, especially since he learned of him by catching her in lies during their short relationship.

“You know who,” he replied sternly, and she wanted to chop him in the throat for using the tone.

“If you’re talking about Cassian, yes. My sisters are married to his brothers, so that was inevitable.”

Tomas was white-knuckled on the steering wheel, and Nesta knew it was a matter of time before he blew. It seemed unfair to lash out at her for telling the truth when she knew he’d do the same if he caught her lying. That begged an interesting question though. Why did he still act as though this was any of his business?

He nodded tensely several times in what appeared to be an attempt to regain some self-control.

“Just seems convenient that the second you go back to Velaris, he’s one of the first people you make it a point to see.”

Nesta felt her temper rising, and even though she knew nothing productive would come of it, she wasn’t sure she could stop it.

“It’s not convenient. It’s just highly probable, considering. Would you let this go? It’s not like it’s any of your business, anyway.”

Sudden braking jolted her forward and whipped her back against the seat faster than she could blink.

“That’s awfully rude to say to someone who cleared their afternoon to pick you up from the airport,” he spat. “And need I remind you that you _cheated_ on me with that brute, so I think it’s understandable that I would be curious.”

She clenched her eyes shut at his words. Months, six of them to be exact, had passed since he found out about one of her nights with Cassian and ended things with her. She knew she’d screwed up and made no attempts to justify her actions, but the man couldn’t resist throwing it in her face every chance he got. The worst thing she ever did was date her roommate, hands down. Time couldn’t pass fast enough until the end of their lease together.

“Tomas,” she moaned. “Can we not fucking do this today? You’ve made your point. A million times over.”

_Plus, I was perfectly content to take a ride share to the apartment, but you insisted on picking me up._

“Obviously not if you still can’t show any appreciation when people do things for you.”

Nesta pinched the bridge of her nose tightly, choking her temper until she could visualize it suffocating entirely. Once she centered herself, she changed her approach in how she was handling this with Tomas. She didn’t have the energy to continue on their current path. His outbursts were positively soul-sucking even on a good day.

Slowly, she reached out and placed her hand on his knee, looking into his face with as much sincerity as she could muster.

“You’re right, Tomas. I’m sorry. I’m tired from the plane and have been terrible company.”

He seemed to relax into his seat a little.

“Thank you,” she murmured, rubbing his knee with her thumb. “Forgive me?”

Her roommate looked sidelong at her, barely masking the faintest uptick at the corner of his mouth. Gods, it was too easy to keep him from losing his shit sometimes.

“Of course. Anything for my girl,” he said as he pulled into the parking lot of their apartment.

Nesta fought a shudder as she got out, grabbed her bag, and made the trek upstairs.

—

Just a little before midnight, Nesta snuggled into bed and scrolling mindlessly through various social media apps if for no other reason than to clear her notifications. Her breath caught as she cycled through them, her eyes landing on the small “2” floating near her phone icon. She had placed her phone on “Do Not Disturb” immediately upon arriving at the airport to avoid anything that would have her reaching for it and tempting her to call Cassian. The missed calls let her know it had served its purpose.

Once her plane had landed and after narrowly avoiding a Tomas meltdown, she was too tired to pay much attention to her phone. She couldn’t really avoid it anymore, and although she knew already who they were from, she held her breath as she opened the phone app. There it was, her confirmation in bold, red text.

Cassian (2)

Missed call— 6:58 am

Missed call— 6:59 am

Longing stabbed her in the chest at seeing his attempt to contact her. She had no idea when she would see him again, and the way they left things had left her stirring all night. It was the very reason she gave up and packed her things to leave for the airport extra early; she couldn’t be in the room they had shared anymore.

Blowing a long breath out through her pursed lips, she closed that app in favor of her messaging app. Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard as she considered the potential consequences of reaching out, but exhaustion was clouding her reasoning skills and making her more emotional than usual.

> N: Sorry I’m just getting in touch— my phone was on DND all day, and I didn’t see that you called until later. Finally home and settled in bed. Hope everything is okay.

_Everything is probably not okay, but still._

Her heart beat erratically as she waited for his response. Within seconds, the ellipsis started to pulse, causing her to hold her breath.

> Cassian: Glad you’re home safe. I’m okay. Just got done getting drunk with Amren while she fussed at me. Sorry I missed you this morning.

She let out a soft chuckle at the mental image his text conjured. His asymmetrical smile he wore when he drank was living rent free in her brain, and she cursed herself for letting her brain wander so quickly.

> N: Sorry I missed you too. Whatever Amren was fussing you for, I’m sure you absolutely deserved it.

Hopefully he was in the mood for a little humor tonight. And hopefully that humor came through rather than sounding accusatory. Before she could panic-type a follow-up, her phone lit up with his response.

> Cassian: You have no idea.

Nesta bit her lip to stop the small smile aching to stretch across her face. Sometimes it was so easy to do this with him, and she wished they had more time like this.

> N: Are we okay?

> Cassian: It’s me that should be asking you that. I acted like an ass last night. I’m sorry.

> N: I guess I’ll forgive you. So we’re okay, then?

> Cassian: We’re always okay, sweetheart.

—

Several weeks passed in a blur of time. Once Nesta got back to her office, she realized it was going to take almost two weeks to catch up on the few days she missed. Sometimes she wondered how much vacations were worth it.

Yet, here she was on the other side, with her head above water and finally back in the swing of things. Well, for the most part anyway. She was working through lunch that day due to meetings, but it was smooth sailing afterward.

Her phone chimed with a message from Tomas. He was on her side of town and offered to take her out to lunch. Things had been more tense than usual since she came home from Velaris, and as a result, it seemed as though Tomas tried at random times to overcompensate by being especially nice.

In the weeks since she returned, that was the fourth time he’d made such an offer for lunch or mid-morning coffee. Each time she declined, it had been for an organic reason, yet she could almost feel his impatience worsening each time. She cringed internally at having to do so yet again, but it was for the best long-term. Any accepted kindness from Tomas was only a weapon for him to wield later when it was convenient.

She sent him a polite refusal, explaining her circumstances at work in detail so that he knew she didn’t mean any offense. The walking on egg shells was getting pretty exhausting, but she told herself she only had to last a few more months until she was in an apartment of her own. Then, the only time she would have to run into him would be when his firm collaborated with her own, or he attended parties thrown by their mutual friends.

His only reply was a quick, “no worries.” She decided she would take him at his word since she was far too busy to read into it anymore than that. Her afternoon was stacked with meeting after meeting, both in person and virtual, and before she knew it, it was approaching 4:30.

“Hey!” Claire, one of her very first friends she made after her move, popped into Nesta’s office doorway.

“Hey, Claire. What’s up?”

“Well, aside from the fact that you haven’t been free to hang out since you got back from your trip, and I’m terribly hurt; nothing, I suppose.”

Nesta chuckled at her friend’s teasing, grateful for a little conversation where she didn’t have to be diplomatic.

“I know,” she groaned, leaning her head back on her office chair and squeezing her eyes shut. “I suck. I’m surprised you managed to miss me so much.”

Claire scoffed, brushing her off with a gentle wave of her hand. “It’ll take more than you being up your own ass for a few weeks to scare me off. How about we do dinner and drinks tonight? You’ve had a hell of a day.”

Nesta silently recalled the pace of her day and decided a drink was exactly what she needed; especially a drink with one of her closest girlfriends.

“What did I do to deserve you?” she asked.

“You keep me sane around here.”

—

Nesta hadn’t laughed as hard as she had at dinner in ages. It was so refreshing to talk about nothing at all with Claire while also venting about office frustrations with someone who could directly relate. Claire’s assessments and commentary appealed to Nesta’s sense of humor flawlessly, and she left the restaurant with a sense of deep affection for her and their friendship.

Nesta had ridden to the restaurant with Claire, and both had indulged in drinking too much to drive. They shared a ride to each of their homes and decided they would deal with fetching their cars the next morning. That was a problem for way later when they could care at all.

Water was the only thing on her mind as she walked into her nearly dark apartment. Luckily, she felt she was the perfect level of buzzed to avoid a terrible hangover the next day, but water and ibuprofen were still necessary. Reaching blindly into the fridge, she grabbed a cold bottle before trudging to her bedroom.

**** TW ****

“Where were you?” Tomas’ voice sliced through the quiet, startling Nesta as she walked.

She tensed involuntarily and jumped slightly. “Fuck, Tomas. I didn’t see you in here.”

He was sitting in their living room, the only source of light being a small lamp on the TV stand. In her haste to get to her room, Tomas had essentially blended into the couch entirely. Now that she actually looked, he was sitting with a glass tumbler in his hand, a small amount of dark liquor remaining in the bottom. A half-empty bottle of bourbon sat atop the coffee table, and he wore a severe expression on his face.

“Where were you?” he repeated as his eyes flicked up to hers, his tone low and rough.

Nesta straightened slightly at his clear provocation, crossing her arms across her chest. “Dinner with Claire. Why?”

“You’ve blown me off for nearly a month.”

Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times, the alcohol clouding her ability to find her words. “Tomas, you haven’t asked me to dinner. It was a last minute decision at the end of the day. It’s not a big deal.”

He stood then, smashing his nearly empty glass into the coffee table. Glass flew across the room, and Nesta cringed at the volume of impact.

“You don’t get to tell me if it’s a big deal,” he yelled, his voice reverberating off the walls of their small apartment. “You always try to get off on some fucking technicality.”

“Shh,” she chastised, afraid their neighbors would call the police. “Calm down, please. You’re yelling.”

Tomas crossed the room toward her and had a firm grip on her upper arm before she realized he was reaching for her. He held it with a bruising intensity as he looked down at her, his face contorted with rage.

“Do not shush me,” he seethed, although his volume decreased dramatically. “You never want to take responsibility for hurting people, and then, you try to tell me how to deal with it.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?! Let go of me!” She demanded, trying desperately to back away from his grip.

“You are constantly brushing me off; constantly ignoring me. Don’t you think things could go smoother if you made an effort to get along?”

For the first time, anger mixed evenly with terror as she regarded his dilated pupils.

“You aren’t entitled to my time,” she stated, trying to keep her tone as placid and non-confrontational as possible. “Let. Me. Go.”

“No,” he retorted, his other hand coming up to grip her neck tightly. “I’ve tried being patient with you, Nesta. I’m not going to wait around while you spend your time with anyone who isn’t me.” His grip wasn’t enough to eliminate her airflow, but it was restricted far too much for her to keep herself even-tempered.

“Tomas,” she croaked, her hands flying up to his wrist. “You’re hurting me!”

Nesta hated the level of panic she heard in her own voice, but it was incredibly representative of how she felt. His grip tightened slightly at her resistance, and terror was quickly starting to dominate any anger she felt before.

“I am so fucking tired of waiting for you to come around. All for you to run home to _him_ and spend your time with other people when you’re home. I’ve been nice. I’ve been patient. I’m fucking done.”

She clawed at his arm, trying desperately to get him to release his grip. Even if it was only enough to get a shallow breath. Panic gripped her fully now as she started to see shadows along the edges of her vision, and in that moment, sheer survival instinct brought the memory of how he had responded to her when leaving the airport.

Forcing herself to master her reaction, she removed her hands from Tomas’ wrist. She reached forward to place her hands gently on his chest, caressing over the muscles in a way she would normally soothe him. His eyelids fluttered shut at her touch. Encouraged by his reaction, she slid her hands up to his cheeks, pulling him toward her gingerly.

Tomas’ hand loosened around her neck, sliding around to cradled the back of her neck. His other hand loosened on her upper arm, but his grip remained.

“You’re right,” she breathed, bringing her forehead to his. “I didn’t know how to let you in, and I’ve been unfair.”

He groaned as she pressed her lips to his, his hands coming around her waist to pull her tightly to him. The kiss was claiming, aggressive, and Nesta berated herself internally for resorting to such an approach. Tomas backed her toward the small dining table adjacent to the living room and kitchen in their open apartment. She closed her eyes and moved with him, gripping the hem of his shirt roughly to remove it.

Nesta helped him remove her own clothes, trying to ensure she kept him focused on her rather than the issue at hand. She was afraid that if she allowed any delay, he would remember his frustrations with her and resort to crushing her windpipe yet again.

She was sprawled back on their table, and Tomas laid himself over her to tuck his face into her neck. He placed wet kisses to her neck, and she locked her gaze on the ceiling as he drove his hips into hers repeatedly. Blessedly, he finished quickly, and he removed himself from her to guide her to the couch. He flopped fully into the cushions, encouraging her to join him.

The sex had been one thing, but she couldn’t bring herself to engage in the intimacy of cuddling with this man; a man who now terrified her. She mastered her face long enough to press a soft kiss to his lips before standing to her full height again.

“I’m going to get cleaned up. I’ll be right back, okay?” she asked sweetly, although she was putting all her faith in the possibility that he would be asleep in seconds.

“K,” he replied, his eyes already shut.

Nesta grabbed her clothes and walked away slowly before turning the corner to her room. Her feet picked up their pace significantly, fear propelling her forward on autopilot. Her entire body shook as she stumbled into her bedroom and fumbled with the lock on her door. She said a silent prayer to whichever god was listening that her phone had been in her back pocket of her slacks and pulled it out to text the first two people who popped into her mind.

**** ****

> N: Are you up? Can I call?

Her sisters responded within seconds, and she moved to her en-suite bathroom with her thumb poised over the call button. As an added protection, she locked that door as well and ran the shower to be sure she wouldn’t be overheard.

She pressed the button to start the group call, her heart beating savagely as she waited for them to pick up. Tears were streaming down her face now, and she wiped them away quickly. Her sisters connected with divine timing, both of their concerned voices sounding in her ear like a comforting prayer.

A sob wracked through her at hearing them. She didn’t have to hold it together anymore.

Elain and Feyre waited patiently for her to collect herself, even though she knew their stomachs were in knots. Nesta never reached out like this, and she definitely didn’t reach out while sobbing. She struggled through the cliff notes of what happened, adrenaline being the only reason she could manage that. She couldn’t face everything yet.

The sisters comforted her as best they could from such a distance, but they shifted quickly into action, knowing it to be the best way to truly comfort their oldest sister.

“Can you be at the airport at 6am? There’s a redeye to Velaris at 8:30am,” Feyre asked. When Nesta confirmed that she could, she finalized the plan. “I just bought your ticket. I’ll forward the confirmation email to you, and you can check in at the front desk with that. We’ll be there to pick you up when you land.”

“Perfect,” Elain interjected. “Nesta, we love you so much. Do you want me to call Claire and have her go over to help you pack? I don’t want you to be alone.”

“No, no. That’s okay,” Nesta insisted. “He’s asleep on the couch, and I don’t want to subject her to him if he wakes up.”

“I understand. Will you let me call a hotel near the airport? You could pack your things up and take a cab there to sleep. You’ll never rest in that apartment.”

Nesta swallowed heavily at the lump in her throat. She hated feeling like such a burden to her younger sisters, but she couldn’t help feeling something even bigger than gratitude at their support. “Yeah. Ill shower and pack, and I can slip out the front door when the car pulls up.”

“Okay, I’ll start looking for a room. I’ll text you the hotel information when I get it. _Please_ be careful, Nes.”

“I will, El. I promise. Thanks, you two. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

They both insisted that it was no problem, that they just wanted her safe as soon as possible. Nesta told them she loved them and promised to keep them updated at all stages of her travel. The shower water was scalding, and Nesta only wished she could turn it up without erupting in blisters to get any trace of Tomas off of her. She ordered a car the second she got a confirmation from Elain and creeped on the most silent feet out the front door.

 _It’s okay,_ she told herself from the backseat of her ride. _One sleep, and a few hours of airport and plane riding, before you’re safe— before you’re home._


	7. Part 6 (Cassian POV)

Cassian was having one of those mornings with a certain something special; not that he knew what it was. He woke up on the right side of the bed with enough time to make a full breakfast before going with Rhys and Az to the gym, and the fact that all three of them made it there on the same morning was a rarity in and of itself. The casual “good morning” text from Julia hadn’t dampened his mood in the least, reminding him of the date they’d had the night before.

Cassian had taken her to dinner and to get ice cream before dropping her off at her apartment. As they’d discussed last month during their break-up at the cafe, they had both taken some time to focus on themselves before easing back into texting occasionally and meeting for mid-week lunch a couple of times. The previous night would qualify as their first real date since their break-up, and they had a wonderful time. It clearly reminded Cassian of what had brought them together in the first place. They were still very much in the “keep it simple” phase, so they had yet to tackle any of their bigger issues.

In due time.

The post-workout endorphins were working overtime, leaving his chest light as the wind blew his hair through the open window. The only thing he had to be slightly disgruntled about was the fact that Azriel had beat him in a race for the front seat, leaving Cassian folded into the backseat behind Rhysand as they drove down the highway. It made zero sense to have the largest of the three of them back there, but Azriel argued that he didn’t get automatic rights to preferred seating just because he happened to end up a little taller than them.

“How do you feel about lunch, guys?” His fingers drummed across each of his knees, splayed wide to accommodate Rhysand’s seat before him.

A tension settled over the vehicle, snapping his attention to the front seat to scan his brothers’ faces. He could see Rhysand’s furrowed brow form the rear view mirror and Azriel’s mouth which had rearranged into a tense, straight line. The silence went on for seconds.

“Uh— we would, Cass, but we have some plans this afternoon with the ladies,” Azriel offered, his voice tentative.

Cassian picked up on it immediately, but he couldn’t understand why that mattered. He served as the fifth wheel all the time with his brothers, Feyre, and Elain. Why would that matter now?

“Alright? Tell them to come. We can go to Rita’s before you go off to do whatever married people things you’re doing today.”

Silence settled over them again, suddenly making the wind through the window far too loud and the hum of the radio akin to a foghorn. He could count the times he’d felt tension like this with Az and Rhys on one hand, and it unsettled him.

Rhysand cleared his throat. “Normally we would, man. But Nesta’s in town this weekend, and we promised them we would take care of a few things.”

He wished it didn’t sting to hear it, that he didn’t take it personally when he inherently got left out of certain things. He watched as Azriel’s eyes grew two sizes as he regarded Rhysand, and that piqued Cassian’s interest instantly. Apparently, his brother had revealed a bit of a secret.

“Another time then,” he conceded. “So, what’s Nesta doing home? She was just here.”

“Just visiting.” Rhys’ voice was a touch too dismissive, his words a little too quick. Azriel shot him a look of warning.

Cassian chuckled. “So the woman who comes home _maybe_ twice a year came home to visit for a second time in less than 6 weeks? Seriously, Rhys. What’s going on?”

“She came in at the end of last week and has been staying with Az and Elain. Since Feyre is working from home right now, we’re going to get the guest room ready for her to stay with us until she goes back home eventually.”

The implication that Nesta was in Velaris for a period of time had Cassian’s heart rate up and his blood running cold. He knew the woman well enough to know she wouldn’t readily visit her family so soon without some reason or event, and he definitely knew she wasn’t the type for an extended stay. Anything beyond a few days would have him worried, but weeks had him spiraling.

“Rhys—“ Azriel hissed, sending another warning to their brother.

The two of them being so secretive, and quite terrible at it to boot, had Cassian seeing red.

“One of you needs to tell me what the fuck is going on. Now.”

Azriel’s shoulders slumped in defeat, but neither of them said a word. It was Cassian who was forced to break the silence.

“Rhysand. Do you remember when we were in early high school, and Mom was driving us home from school? You were in the front seat and feeling especially cocky that day.”

His tone was quiet, calculated. Those unfamiliar with him would assume he was mastering himself, that he was reining in that infamous temper. His brothers, however, knew his placid tone was the one he used when he was teetering on the edge. It was the tone of someone so at peace with whatever happened next, someone who was comfortable wielding their anger as a weapon when the situation presented itself.

“Yes, Cassian.”

“Good,” he replied as he pushed the sleeves of his long-sleeved Henley up his forearms. “Then you remember what came next. Either one of you tells me what’s wrong, or you leave me no choice.”

Was the ultimatum fair? Absolutely not. Recreating that day in their mother’s car would only serve to risk all of their health and safety, but Cassian couldn’t think straight knowing something may be wrong with Nesta. His blood was roaring in his ears at being none the wiser, and the possibilities of what could have happened to the woman sabotaged any and all reason.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’d really kill all of us to prove some kind of point?” Rhys spat.

Truth be told, Cassian couldn’t quite remember the comment Rhysand had made all those years ago that caused him to snap. All he remembered was gripping Rhysand in a headlock and squeezing until Azriel managed to pull him off his brother. The action had sent Rhysand into a coughing fit for minutes, and Cassian had been grounded by their mother ,for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, for resorting to violence.

That anger was nothing compared to the fear that gripped him now. It was interesting how closely the two emotions manifested in him, he thought. Before he could say as much, Azriel spoke.

“Rhys, you fucked up already by saying anything in the first place. Just tell him before we have much bigger problems. I can’t do shit to help you from up here.”

Cassian pulled himself up in his seat by gripping the back of Rhysand’s, and his brother instinctively leaned forward toward the steering wheel to create the illusion of distance. The both of them knew Cassian’s reach was more than enough, and if one of those fuckers didn’t start talking, he was going to lose his fucking mind.

“ALRIGHT. Alright.” Rhys continued to lean forward out of self-preservation. “Nesta had a run-in with her roommate. Things got out of hand, and she called Feyre and Elain late that night to talk. They booked her a flight home, and she’s been here ever since.”

Her roommate. Tomas fucking Mandray was her roommate, as Amren had revealed to him all those weeks ago. Cassian sat back in his seat to gain his bearings after hearing such information, closing his eyes as he processed it.

“When you say things got out of hand... what happened?”

“Cassian—“

“What happened?” He interrupted, his voice threatening to break into a vicious snarl.

Azriel was the one to take over at that point.

“He was drunk when she got home. Apparently, he was mad at her for not spending any time with him, and he confronted her. When she stood up for herself, he lost it. He grabbed her roughly by the arm and had his hand around her throat. She... she um— she felt like the only way to make him stop was to offer herself to him.”

His eyes popped open at Azriel’s explanation, his eyes darting from one of his brother’s forms to the other. Both of them wore somber looks on their faces, and he knew it gutted both of them that any of it had happened. On top of that, neither of them knew how their loose canon of a brother was about to process the information.

To their credit, Cassian didn’t know what he was feeling either. His hands and feet were cold, all of them tingling as the blood rushed away from his extremities. His entire body was flushed, and something thick and tar-like seemed to be hardening in his stomach. A million things ricocheted from one part of his brain to the other, and he imagined it was similar to short-circuiting.

He was furious. He felt violent. Rage so pure that it was barely familiar to him coursed through his veins, and he gripped desperately to reality to keep from acting on it. He was heartbroken. He was terrified.

He could kill Tomas Mandray.

“Pullover.”

“We’re like three blocks from your apartment.”

“Pullover,” he demanded more adamantly.

“Rhys, I would pullover. I think his face is legitimately green.”

Rhysand’s worried violet eyes scanned his own from the rear view mirror, and whatever he saw had him pulling over abruptly on the side of the road. Cassian clambered across the backseat as fast as possible, vomit threatening to coat every surface inside Rhysand’s vehicle.

Once he managed to get his large frame free, he only took two large steps before he projectile-vomited into the bush nearby. His knees hit the grass as he heaved the rest of his breakfast and any water he’d drank during and after their workout. He figured that if he was hellbent on not acting on all those intense emotions, his body had to release them somehow.

Cassian felt two hands, one on each shoulder, attempt to soothe him as he got a grip on himself. Rhysand offered a fresh bottled water with his other hand, and he accepted it eagerly. The first couple of sips served more to rinse his mouth before he gulped down nearly half the bottle, his chest heaving as he caught his breath.

“I’m sorry. I know how much you care.”

Rhysand’s voice was gentle, placating. Cassian could only nod his agreement. He stood, a little unsteady on his feet, and his brothers remained to support him until he seemed balanced.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, but you can’t say a word, yeah? Especially to Nesta.”

Hearing her name ripped the wound wide open all over again, and Cassian felt his throat constrict under the force of his emotions. He knew he couldn’t, and he would never make trouble for Rhys and Azriel after he acted like a belligerent psycho to get the information in the first place.

“Of course. Yeah,” he agreed, tears pooling on his bottom eyelids. “Just— take me home.”

He hated how his voice cracked, showing every single one of his cards. The concern that flashed across his brothers’ faces gutted him, too. They agreed, the three of them crawling back into the vehicle and heading to his apartment in silence.

When they pulled up to let him out, Cassian loosed a heavy breath through pursed lips. He gripped his gym bag and the bottle of water and paused with his hand on the door handle.

“Look, I know I can’t be there. Or say anything.” He took a second to master himself, his throat threatening to close on him again. “Please promise me that both of you will keep her safe. Please.”

Neither of them disappointed, promising vehemently that they would do anything they could to keep Nesta safe. Cassian walked toward his apartment, taking deep breaths as if his heart wasn’t breaking every step of the way.

—

It took a long, cold shower, a very light lunch, and a nap for Cassian to feel any approximation of “normal”. His mind was still a mess, and he couldn’t ruminate too much over the news his brothers had shared without his rage threatening to reappear. He tried to distract himself with some light-hearted comedy that happened to be on TV while he expended his extra energy on cleaning his apartment.

A soft knock on his door mid-afternoon caught him off-guard, and he scanned his brain for any reason for it. It wasn’t likely that it was the delivery man for his building because he couldn’t remember he’d recently ordered, and he was pretty sure Rhys and Azriel would still be busy. He pulled his phone from the pocket of his sweats to scan his recent messages, assuming he had made plans with Amren or Julia without remembering.

The search through his phone was fruitless, so he finally decided to go open the door. It was probably someone knocking on the wrong door yet again, and he could only hope he would know the direction to point them in to find the right apartment. It happened more than he cared to admit.

Cassian threw on the grey tee he’d removed as he scrubbed the kitchen and padded over to the door. He opened it tentatively, only to see that no one was there. Today wasn’t the day for teenagers and their pranks, but he tried to remember that he’d once been a young shithead who meant no true harm.

Planning to tell them as much, he stepped out into the hallway to scan both directions. His eyes fell on a woman’s form a few doors down, walking toward the elevators. His breath caught in his chest; he’d know that gait anywhere.

“Nesta?”

The woman froze mid-step before turning around on her heel to face him. She looked so sad, so broken, and it shattered what was left of his heart as he looked at her. Her beautiful blue eyes were bleary and red-rimmed, and her usually styled hair hanged naturally across her shoulders. Cassian wanted nothing more than to take her pain away in that moment.

She didn’t say anything in response; only took small steps in his direction. As if encouraged by the fact that he stood resolutely in place, she picked up her pace before she was nearly running toward him. Cassian could only brace himself for impact, he thought, judging by the determination over the elegant planes of her face.

Nesta flung herself toward him, and he caught her tightly around the waist with one arm. Her legs wrapped around his own waist tightly, and he used his other arm to support her beneath her thigh. She gripped his neck as she tucked her face beneath his jaw, a choked sob wracking through her now that he held her.

“Shh.” His face was tucked into her hair as he whispered sounds of comfort to her. Having Nesta there with him broke him and healed him all at the same time.

“Shh,” he repeated as he petted her hair. “You’re safe, Sweetheart.”

Nesta continued to sob into his neck, the only clue that she registered what he said being her tightening grip on him. Cassian walked them into his apartment, kicking the door shut with his foot and securing the locks with one hand.

Her chest heaved against his as she tried to catch her breath, and he wished he could breath straight into her lungs to save her the trouble. He wrapped his arm tightly around her waist again and tucked his face into her hair to secure her head against him.

“Cass,” she sobbed, her broken voice dragging the syllable longer than usual.

“I know, Sweetheart. It’s okay.”

He walked them over to his couch and lowered himself onto the edge to avoid crushing her legs behind him. Nesta’s grip didn’t falter for a second, and under different circumstances, Cassian may have chuckled at that. She was shaking violently, so he grabbed the small throw blanket off the back of his couch to wrap it tightly around her. He secured it to her body by wrapping his arms around her again and pressed his cheek to her temple.

Cassian had so many questions, so many comforts he wanted to thrust her way. But more than any of that, he wanted her safe and comfortable. He had no clue how long he silently held her as she cried, but he hoped the fact that she stayed meant he’d accomplished his goal.

After what seemed liked forever, Nesta sniffled and pulled away. She remained in his lap, but sat back slightly to look into his face. Her hands came up to wipe at her cheeks, and Cassian didn’t resist the urge to cup her face gently to help.

“I’m so sorry for showing up like this.”

Cassian felt his brows come together at her apology. “Don’t you dare apologize for coming here. Ever.”

Nesta nodded as she looked down at her hands in her lap. Cassian continued to stroke her cheeks gently with his thumbs as she gathered her thoughts. He would have done it forever if she asked.

“I’ve been in Velaris for almost a week. I probably should have called, but I didn’t have any clue what to say. Plus, Feyre and Elain have been hovering relentlessly since I got here.”

The faintest of smiles pulled at the corner of her mouth, and the relief Cassian felt at seeing it was priceless. He huffed a small laugh.

“Understandable. I’m glad you came. Really.”

If he lived another hundred years, he still didn’t think he would find the words to explain what it did to have her there; to see that she was whole and safe.

“Thank you. That means a lot. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but I’ve wanted nothing more than to see you since I got here. I just— I don’t know. You’ve always grounded me; made me feel safe.”

“I don’t mind,” he whispered.

He didn’t trust himself to say much more. Nesta fell into his chest again, her face tucked into his neck as before. She unwrapped her legs from around his waist so that he could sit back into the cushions, and the two of them settled into comfortable silence as he rubbed soothing shapes up and down her back.

“Rhys let it slip that he told you.”

“I don’t know that I gave him much of a choice. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Nesta was quiet for a few moments, then, “I want to tell you everything. I’m just so tired.”

“You owe me nothing, Nesta. You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“Thanks,” she nearly whimpered. “I’ve barely slept since... everything happened.”

“Tell you what,” he began, using his hands to gently push her to a sitting position. “I’ll go get you a pillow from my bed and an adult-sized blanket.” Nesta huffed a laugh at that; at the too small throw thrown over her shoulders. “You sleep as long as you need to, and I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“But you’re not planning to leave while I’m asleep, right?”

Her voice was nearing panic, and it felt like he got punched in the gut.

“Never, Sweetheart. I’ll be here the whole time.”

Her shoulders relaxed noticeably at his reassurance, and she slowly slid off his lap into the couch cushions. Cassian wasted no time in grabbing the things he promised, returning quickly to help her get settled. His heart swelled as she hugged his pillow tightly and exhaled slowly while he tucked the blanket around her.

He knelt on the floor close to her head, using his large hand to untuck her hair from around her neck and pet it away from her face. Nesta hummed appreciatively at his care and muttered some semblance of a thank you.

“Where will you be?”

“Well, I was cleaning before you got here, but I don’t want to wake you. I was thinking I could sit at the end of the couch and watch TV. But I can stay on the floor if you’re more comfortable with that.”

Nesta didn’t bother responding vocally; only lifted her feet to allow him space. Cassian settled into his spot and pulled her feet into his lap as he surfed channels. Small body twitches told him she was asleep within minutes, and he was grateful she was blessed with the rest she needed.

His phone lit up on the side table with a text from Azriel.

 **Az:** _Nesta told Feyre and Elain that she needed a break and was going to see you. Did she make it there?_

 **C:** _She did. Thanks for checking, brother._

 **Az:** _No problem. We did just promise that we would take care of her._

A small smile pulled at his lips as he read the message, and he was flooded with gratitude for his brothers. He made a mental note to apologize for his behavior earlier that day, sliding his gaze over to Nesta’s sleeping face while he considered what to say. She looked so peaceful, so serene, that he didn’t think he would ever believe she had gone through something traumatic if he didn’t already know.

Naturally, his thoughts shifted to their dynamic; their typical dysfunction. Amren’s words from weeks ago echoed through him regarding he and Nesta’s communication barriers and respective stubbornness. Cassian hated that it took something such as what Nesta was dealing with for this perspective to finally click into place, but he realized then how stupid they’d been.

They had hurt each other time and time again, justifying it by the pain inflicted by the other until their cycle was so wound tight that there was no clear origin. He always assumed they could only manage the physical, that they were never meant to actually care about each other so deeply or to fall in the type of healthy love his brothers had with her sisters.

He cursed their stupidity, at the way in which they’d blown so many things out of proportion. So much of his time with her had been spent trying to anticipate her needs, anticipate what she wanted, and he had only created problems for the both of them by not listening to her.

Cassian shook his head roughly to bring himself back to the present. None of the things he considered had a place between them right now, if ever. Nesta had a long way to go to heal properly, and she could have always decided to swear relationships off altogether.

No, he thought, Nesta didn’t need any of this right now. What she needed was a friend, someone who made her feel like she had a safe space beyond her family and supported her every step of the way. He decided he wanted— no, _needed_ — to be that friend for her; anything to keep her happy and comfortable.

Cassian would be the best fucking friend in the world. For her.


	8. Part 7 (Nesta POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for brief mention of abuse.

——————————————————————————

The faint flickering of TV lights behind her eyelids pulled Nesta from her slumber, her brain temporarily disoriented to her surroundings. Her heart was beating impossibly fast as if trying to escape her chest cavity altogether, and her hands began to tingle.

With her eyes still tightly closed, she silently coached herself through some deep breaths. In doing so, a familiar, comforting smell finally permeated her consciousness enough to allow her brain to catch up. Her body seemed to settle almost instantly at the realization.

She blinked her eyes open, glancing down the length of her body to find Cassian sitting in his original spot. That familiar head of onyx waves was propped on his fist atop the arm of the couch, his other hand resting gently on her ankle. Nesta basked in the security, the feeling of normalcy, that being on his couch elicited; like a moment from a very different time.

A yawn interrupted her thoughts, and Nesta decided to give in to a long, full stretch. Cassian’s head turned her way, still propped on that fist, as he looked over to her. He wore a fond smile, one that she knew rarely graced his face. It was reserved for only a select few.

“Hey, you,” he greeted quietly, his voice rough.

Nesta ignored the swelling in her chest at his attention, choosing instead to focus on feeling safe and grounded in his company. That’s all she could afford at that moment.

“Hey. Was I out long?”

As if on cue, her stomach growled loudly, earning a chuckle from Cassian.

“A couple of hours. I ordered us some dinner, so it should be here in a few minutes.”

Nesta looked at him incredulously. “And how do you know you got something I wanted? You didn’t want to wake me up before you ordered?”

There was a firm knock at the door, and Cassian lifted her legs to rise from the couch. He walked backward to his door, a sly smile across his full lips.

“So do you want me to send them away? With the Rita’s cheeseburger— cheddar cheese, no tomato, and extra pickles?” Her go-to comfort food. Leave it to him to remember.

Nesta turned onto her side, tucking her hands underneath her chin as she regarded him sheepishly. “I mean, don’t do that. I’ll suffer through it.”

A broad smile flashed across his face before turning to greet the delivery woman. He exchanged polite small talk and brought the food back to the small table in front of the couch. Nesta pulled herself into a seated position, collecting the blankets across her crossed legs and settling the to-go box in her lap.

The two of them ate in relative silence, only making benign comments about things on TV. The burger was absolute heaven. Nesta wasn’t sure why she’d been back in Velaris for a week without ordering one for herself.

When they finished, Cassian stood to carry their trash into the kitchen. He dropped heavily into his previous spot on the couch, body angled slightly to face her. His arm was thrown casually over the back of the couch, and Nesta had to resist the urge to tuck her body tightly into his side.

“I guess you’ve been patient enough and want me to start talking,” she mused, almost under her breath.

“No. I’m only ready if you’re ready.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m ready. I promise. I don’t know why, but I’ve been so worried about how you’ll react.”

The man chuckled. “Rhysand would argue that you’re wise to feel that way.”

Nesta huffed a short laugh, but her heart wasn’t truly in it. That wasn’t exactly what she meant.

“Maybe. I don’t know... your opinion matters, and I didn’t know where to start. I guess I’ll just start at the beginning.”

She shared her evening with ClaIre and the pleasant mood she had been in before returning to the apartment. It took a moment for her to collect her thoughts as she described the way she found Tomas, her hesitation causing Cassian to face her more fully and give his undivided attention.

“Sorry. It’s still a little hard to get through. Sometimes I remember new things as I tell the story, and that throws me off. I’m getting there.”

“Hey,” he began. “You don’t have to apologize to me. For anything. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

The care and sincerity in his tone nearly broke her heart, the intensity of his attention nearly too much.

“Thank you,” she breathed. Then, “Would you be okay if I laid down or something while I work through the story? It’s a little easier if I don’t have to look at you. Not you, specifically... anybody really.”

Before he answered her, she turned to fluff his pillow that she had borrowed. Making her way through her account of what happened would be much easier if she could snuggle into something plush, allowing it to swallow her up and hide her from any reactions.

“Of course. Whatever you want.”

Cassian fell quiet as he watched her work to fluff the pillow and straighten the blanket he had given her. Nesta made to pull it over herself and ease her head to the pillow when his large hand wrapped gently around her wrist.

“Wait. What if...” he trailed off, turning toward her fully and straightening one of his legs along the cushions. He kept the other bent over the edge of the couch, leaving space for her between them. He tugged gently on her arm, inviting her to lie against his chest. “If you would rather lie back on the pillow, that’s fine, too. I just thought...”

She resisted the urge to fling herself with abandon against his body. It was another offer from a distant time in their lives; where she used his body as an anchor and lamented over life’s struggles against his chest. Easing her body slowly against him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek against his sternum. Her legs were sprawled behind her, running parallel to his long one stretched along her body. The heat of his frame grounded her; something that usually set fire to her blood was now a comforting, enveloping warmth.

Cassian gathered her hair from her face and shoulders, pulling it gently away from her neck and settling it against his body. Nesta appreciated the cool air that kissed her neck at his gesture, but she tensed slightly when she realized what it would reveal. She hoped his attention was fixed elsewhere, preferably the ceiling or anywhere in his apartment, but the stiffening of his body told her she was not so lucky.

“Nes.”

His voice was a whisper as he trailed his calloused fingers over the fading bruises on the side of her neck, now yellow in the healing process. She had worn her hair free to conceal what remained of them. His slightly elevated position, sitting against the arm of the couch, offered an almost perfect vantage point for seeing the evidence of her struggle against Tomas. Nesta swore she felt the heat of his laser focus against her skin.

“I’m sorry.” He snatched his hand away from her skin as if she burned him. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”

“Cass, no.” Her heart broke at his apprehension. “I know you would never... do anything like that. I trust you.” She risked a glance up at his face, waiting until he reluctantly dragged his gaze to hers. Nesta offered a small smile of comfort toward him, which he returned half-heartedly, and settled her head back on his chest. Her friend didn’t look comforted in the least.

After taking a deep breath in and pushing it forcefully from her lungs, she launched into the tale of her encounter with Tomas. Starting with her fun at dinner with Clare, she quickly transitioned into how she hadn’t initially noticed Tomas sitting on their couch in the dimly lit apartment. She had intended to grab a bottle of water and throw herself into bed before he had interrupted her, but despite his tone, she hadn’t anticipated how things escalated.

“I’ve honestly never seen him so _cold_. It was almost like he wasn’t really there when he looked at me.”

Cassian tensed beneath her, but he managed to remain relatively even-mannered. His hand ran idly over her curtain of hair as she paused to collect her thoughts; his well of patience far deeper than she remembered it ever being.

“Everything escalated so quickly after that. I didn’t give him the answer he wanted, and he smashed his glass on the coffee table. I think that’s when I realized he wasn’t the Tomas I was used to dealing with. He had his hand around my arm before I even registered him getting closer to me.”

Her voice weakened as she progressed through the story; something she resented everything time she told it. Cassian’s breathing grew more labored, too, and she wondered how he would react to the rest of what she had to tell him. They hadn’t even made it to the parts that truly haunted her.

“It was really overwhelming... the whole thing. I was terrified he would wake up our neighbors with all the yelling and the glass breaking. When he grabbed me, I started to get a little more scared because I wasn’t sure what he was capable of anymore.”

Nesta forced her way through the dialogue they had exchanged and her pleas for him to release her. Tears were started to pool in her eyes as she recalled everything; the steadying rhythm of Cassian’s hand over her hair the only thing keeping her level.

“He obviously didn’t like what I had to say because at some point he grabbed my throat.” She swallowed thickly at the memory. “At first, it wasn’t enough to keep me from breathing, but he was acting so belligerent that I had no clue what to expect. I don’t know when I started to panic, but I remember trying to claw at his hand once he tightened his grip.”

Cassian had never been as still as he was in that moment, save for the heaving of his chest as he tried to keep his composure. She knew his temper better than most, and she hoped he wouldn’t lose it entirely once he knew everything. That temper in general disagreements was one thing; the beast she knew lay beneath the surface, only triggered by a select few scenarios, was another thing entirely. She glanced up at him to assess his general state. Her friend only nodded to prompt her to continue, his hazel eyes already stirring with contempt.

“In the past, he had always responded best when I was affectionate or placating. I hadn’t thought to react that way initially, but once my vision started to blur, I think I started trying anything that might help me escape.”

Nesta’s voice broke on the last couple of words, and she paused to inhale a shaky breath. Cassian’s hand shifted from her hair to run his fingers along her spine, just between her shoulder blades. She didn’t know that she would ever be able to articulate how much she appreciated him in that moment.

A handful of minutes passed before she was able to continue, a tear slipping from her eye and over the bridge of her nose. “I wasn’t strong enough to fight him off; at least not in that moment. I acted without thinking, and he was really quick to go with it.”

She explained the rest of the encounter briefly, fully aware of how Cassian stiffened beneath her at each passing statement. On the couple of occasions that she glanced at him, he had his game face resolutely in place. Nesta appreciated his attempt to stay calm for her; to not pile his emotions on top of her own. Regardless, she knew rage thrummed beneath his skin, just itching to be freed. Thankfully, her account was nearing its end.

“Afterward, he staggered to the couch. I hoped to the Cauldron that he would pass out, and I was lucky that he did. I locked myself in my room, then my bathroom, and called Feyre and Elain. Within minutes, Feyre had a plane ticket to Velaris under my name, and Elain had a room booked at a hotel near the airport. They honestly saved me. I was in no condition to work through all that myself.”

Nesta nuzzled her face into his chest as she finished her story, wishing to be somehow closer to him. Her grip around his waist tightened, and she felt both of his muscled arms wrap around her back. Though she noticed how her entire body relaxed at the action, she was determined not to worry over it in that moment.

“I’m so sorry, Sweetheart,” he rasped once he finally found his voice enough to speak. “I wish... I don’t know. I wish there was something I could have done.”

Nesta felt the restraint behind his words, but she didn’t dare comment on it. “There’s no way you could have known.”

“I know.” The man’s voice was barely a whisper now. “I’d love to run into him on the street, though.”

A small chuckle worked its way through Nesta despite the somber mood in Cassian’s apartment. “I don’t doubt that for a second.”

He laughed, barely a huff of air through his nose, but it eased the tightness in her chest.

“How have you been this week? What did you tell work?”

“I discussed what happened with HR, so I’m technically on mental health-related medical leave. I have up to 12 weeks, and they passed on the need-to-know to my immediate supervisor. I filled Clare in a little bit, but I haven’t been able to tell her the whole story. Just not ready.” Nesta took a deep breath before answering his first question; the dreaded topic of how she was holding up. "I'm doing okay. I started seeing a therapist who agreed to continue treating me remotely once I figure things out. That's already been really helpful."

"Good."

The pair settled into comfortable silence for some time, content to sit in each other's company. The promise Nesta had made to herself the last time she was in Velaris was nagging at her brain, so she was the first to break the quiet.

"Cassian?" A soft hum was his only response, his arms tightening around her gently in acknowledgement. "I've had a lot of time to think this week; some of it voluntary and some of it assigned by Madja, and I realized you and I have a lot to talk about. Well, I guess I have a lot I need to explain to you; I can't really speculate on if you have things to say."

"Nesta, don't worry about me right now. We can—"

"Hear me out." Cassian only grunted his consent. "I'm not ready to unpack everything. I have way too much going on in this wreck of a brain, but I want to commit to talking to you. Eventually."

He loosed a breath, happy to hear that she planned to make herself a priority. "Whenever you're ready. Does that mean we can be friends now?"

Nesta huffed a laugh at the jest in his voice, not surprised in the least at his teasing. "Yeah," she breathed. "We can be _best_ friends if you want."

—

Eventually, Nesta extracted herself from Cassian’s body to sit on her side of the couch. Every minute she spent laying with him was only going to make it that much harder to go back to Feyre’s house. The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching nonsense television, until a thought occurred to Nesta.

“Cassian.”

The man startled at her voice, unexpected after so much time spent with only the low sounds of the TV. His genuine surprise made Nesta laugh, and she took a second to realize how good it felt.

“Yes?” he asked, feigning irritation at her laughter.

“I’m being a terrible friend. I’ve been here for hours and only talked about myself.”

A deep chuckle from Cassian. “Nes, all things considered, I think it’s understandable.”

“I disagree,” she stated, a matter of fact. “What have you been up to?”

A sideways smile stretched across the man’s face, exposing a dimple in the process. He humored her anyway.

“Not a whole lot. Work has been steady. I helped Elain at her shop a couple more times until she was ready for opening, and she’s done really well with that. I had dinner with Ren so that she could bitch about wedding planning, but Varian has been really helpful, so she really shouldn’t complain. Other than that, I’ve been hanging out with Rhys and Az. We have a pretty good time when I’m not threatening to choke Rhys while he drives.”

The last statement earned another laugh from deep in Nesta’s chest. She wished she could bottle the feeling to carry it around with her.

“That all sounds very... vanilla of you.” She smiled at Cassian’s offended expression.

“Are you calling me boring?”

“I would never,” she deadpanned.

Nesta struggled with the question on the tip of her tongue. She felt compelled to ask, but she worried that it would interfere with the easy rapport they had created over the course of the evening. But at the same time, they had decided to be friends, and she wanted to be sure that he knew she meant it. That meant she needed to meet him where he was in his life.

“And what about Julia? How is she doing?”

An unknown emotion flashed across Cassian’s features, but there was no hostility in it, much to Nesta’s relief. He reached for one of the throw pillows on the couch, pulling it into his lap and fiddling with the corner as he spoke.

“She’s doing well. We, uhh— we’re kind of in a weird spot right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, full disclosure, we broke up a few weeks back. The weekend that you and I— you know.”

Realization barreled through her, causing her stomach to twist in alarm.

“Oh gods, Cassian.” Nesta brought her hand to cover her eyes, her brow furrowed with guilt. “She found out? About us?”

“No! No, it was before you and I met up, actually. The fight...”

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Cass, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

If the couch could open up and swallow her whole, Nesta would have welcomed it. Why she had to open her mouth and make things uncomfortable was lost on her.

“It’s okay, Nes. Don’t feel bad or anything. We’re on good terms. We’ve had lunch a couple of times since then and went to dinner. We broke up because we both had shit we needed to work through, but we agreed to check in and see how things go.”

“Okay,” she breathed, not wholly convinced that she hadn’t made him uncomfortable. “So, you’re okay then?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

Silence settled over them again, jarring Nesta back to reality and having her realize how late it had gotten.

“I should probably get back to Feyre’s. Maybe I’ll actually get some sleep tonight.”

“Yeah, okay.” He stood, extending into a stretch. “Let me drive you.”

Nesta hadn’t really brought anything with her, so all she had to do was slip on her shoes before they headed down to Cassian’s car. She slid into the passenger seat and was enveloped in the familiar scent of Cassian and leather; a perfect combination if she had to choose one. He was the first to break their silence.

“So, what’s on the to-do list while you’re on leave?”

She took a moment to consider. “I have lunch with Amren tomorrow. I haven’t filled her in on things yet, so if you hear of a riot in Velaris, it may just be her,” she joked. Cassian’s deep rumble of a laugh sounded through the car, causing Nesta’s heart to skip a beat. “Hey— why don’t you come? She’s always happy to have you, and you can help me contain her if needed.”

Nesta hoped the offer sounded as casual as she meant it, rather than the veiled plea for moral support that it actually was. He silently scanned his memory for his schedule, his shoulders tensing slightly as something dawned on him.

“I have lunch plans with Jules tomorrow. But it’s okay. I can reschedule.”

“No! No. Don’t do that.” She paused to gather her thoughts; to figure out a way to get her point across without having to dive too deeply into everything between them. “I don’t want us to be like that anymore, you know? You’ve always dropped everything to make time for me, and I’ve always taken it for granted. I don’t want you to feel obligated to me. I’m not... entitled to your time.”

The last statement felt like ash on her tongue; all too similar to what she had said to Tomas the week prior. _You aren’t entitled to my time_ , she had thrown at him. All week, she had reflected on her dynamics with nearly everyone in her life, and things with Cassian haunted her more than most. The toxic nature of the power they held over each other was so obvious in hindsight, but she vowed to do better by him. He deserved at least that from her.

As if reading her mind, Cassian slowed to a stop at the next light and took her hand gently in his. He turned toward her, his face serious in a way that commanded her attention.

“Do not compare yourself to him, Nes. I’ve never thought you felt entitled to me in any way. I was a willing participant in ever single one of our interactions.”

Tears rimmed her eyes as the light turned green. Cassian reluctantly turned his attention toward the road, but he kept her hand firmly in his as he drove.

“I know. I just don’t want you to revolve your plans around me. I’ve interfered in your life too many times, and I don’t want to be that person. I want you to be happy.”

He turned toward her long enough to offer a sad smile. “Thank you. I want you to be happy, too.”

Nesta pulled her hand away gently to wipe the tears from her eyes right as they were pulling up to Feyre and Rhysand’s house. Cassian put the car in park and waited, seemingly unsure of how to say goodbye after the day they had together.

“I can’t tell you how much today meant to me. I owe you big for being there for me.”

He shrugged her off. “You don’t owe me anything. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right,” she nearly whispered.

Awkward silence settled between them, both unwilling to be the first to part ways. Nesta’s heart pounded at the thought of being separated from him. She had felt safest at Cassian’s apartment since everything happened, and she loathed to think about walking upstairs to try and sleep in the quiet guest room alone.

“Would you want to walk me in?” she blurted before she could talk herself out of it.

Cassian’s shoulders loosened in what looked almost like relief. “Always.”

They shared a shy smile as they both got out of his car. They met at the front of it, Cassian casually throwing his arm over her shoulders as they walked. Blessedly, Feyre and Rhysand were both asleep when they entered the house. Nesta didn’t particularly care if they knew Cassian walked her inside, but she didn’t have the energy to explain things to them in light of recent events.

The small lamp next to her bed was on, casting a dim, warm glow over the room. The pair stood idly in the middle of the room until Cassian leaned on humor to break the tension.

“Can I interest you in a platonic tuck-in?” His amused expression was one of Nesta’s favorite sights in the world.

“I could be swayed,” she replied. “But I need to change into my pajamas first.”

“Go get ready for bed,” he ordered with a wave of his hand. “I’ll get the bed ready.”

Nesta did as she was told, taking her pjs into the bathroom to get changed. When she walked back into the room she saw her pillows fluffed and covers pulled back, Cassian standing nearby with his hands tucked into his pockets. She offered him a smile in thanks before flopping unceremoniously onto the bed.

She felt the covers being pulled up all the way until they were tucked under her chin. Cassian made a show of tucking the covers tightly all around her, from her shoulders to her knees, earning a girlish giggle form Nesta.

“Alright, you brute. I think I’m properly tucked in. No need to fuss.”

His eyes softened as he scanned her face. “I’ll check in tomorrow. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Once she nodded, he turned to switch her lamp off. Nesta wriggled her arm out from the blankets, panic surging through her at the thought of him leaving her alone. Her hand caught his with an iron grip.

“Wait!” Cassian turned toward her suddenly, a look of concern on his face. “Stay until I fall asleep?” she asked sheepishly.

Rather than respond, he turned off the lamp and eased down to the carpet near her. He leaned his shoulder into the mattress, facing her in the dark.

“Give me your arm,” he instructed softly.

Nesta extended her already free arm along the edge of the mattress, her hand resting palm up near his head. Strands of his hair tickled her fingers, and she ran them through it absent-mindedly as she settled. Cassian lifted his hand to run his fingers gently up and down her forearm, a gesture that usually soothed her to sleep within minutes.

“I won’t be here when you wake up this time, but I’m only a phone call away,” he whispered.

“I know. S’okay,” she mumbled, sleep already working to claim her. She focused on the steadying rhythm of his fingers gliding along her skin, timing her breaths with his ministrations until her mind went blissfully quiet.


	9. Part 8 (Cassian POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for strong language, mentions of abuse/ trauma.

——————————————————————————

Grouchy wasn’t exactly the word for how Cassian felt as he parked in front of the small cafe for lunch with Julia. He was generally discontent; his neck stiff and achy from how he’d leaned against Nesta’s mattress the night before. Dozing off hadn’t been on his agenda, but he woke up a couple of hours later with his head in Nesta’s palm and a crick in his neck that insisted on being acknowledged.

With his head against the rest in the car, he took a long breath and forced it from his lungs sharply. His mood had nothing to do with the woman waiting for him inside. In fact, he had been looking forward to lunch with her since they made the plans. Granted, it felt like he had lived another life in the meantime.

His mood could very well be the result of exhaustion in its purest form; having yet to recover from the emotional marathon from the day before. He had cycled rapidly through rage, heartache, relief at seeing Nesta in the flesh, back to rage when she spoke of her experience with Tomas, back to heartbreak when he considered how she much have felt, and finally landing on the conflict of how it felt to be so close to her while trying to remain the friend she needed.

Delicate territory was the mildest thing to call it, and he knew it would challenge him daily for the foreseeable future. He reflected on Nesta’s words from the night before when she had told him she wanted to change things between the two of them; no more lies, no more power moves, no more secrets. On his way to the cafe, Cassian decided he could use a similar approach to things in life, and he aimed to be a more transparent communicator. That included Julia as someone with whom he regularly communicated.

He wasn’t going to hide away his relationship with Nesta any longer. They had agreed to be friends, and there was no other friend of his that he felt compelled to hide away from others. He had considered that morning what he would do if Julia decided she wasn’t okay with him supporting Nesta, and he realized he would walk away. He couldn’t lie to himself about the sustainability of keeping any of his relationships and Nesta isolated from one another, so it was time to stop pretending. His tendency for people pleasing had created more problems than it had ever avoided.

Julia sat a small table near a window, her eyes focused on the Sidra. Her dark hair hanged in loose waves, a small section tucked behind her ear. The afternoon sun illuminated her face, and Cassian took the moment to take in the lines of her profile. The woman was beautiful; made even more so when she realized he was walking toward her and offered a smile his way.

“Hey you,” she greeted, standing up to offer him a hug.

“Hey, Jules.” He accepted, pressing a chaste kiss to the part of her hair. “Good call on the lunch spot.”

The pair settled into their seats, making idle chitchat as they reviewed the expansive menu. The waitress was prompt in taking their order, bringing them a small carafe of water to drink as they waited for their food. Cassian poured it into each of their glasses and grabbed his to take a long pull.

“So,” he began, lowering the glass back to the table. “How’s it going?”

Julia settled into her seat, pulling her long sleeves up her palms slightly and propping her chin on her fists. “It’s going. I’ve been seeing a lot of my friends lately which has been nice. Went on a couple of dates, but they didn’t pan out.”

Cassian knew his eyes had doubled in size at her casual presentation, but it happened before he could decide otherwise. Julia was smiling meekly at him, clearly amused by his surprise.

“Something funny?”

A smile broke at the corner of her mouth, betraying her words. “No. I wasn’t exactly sure how you were going to react to that news.”

“To be honest, I don’t know yet either,” he joked, the two of them sharing light laughter at their situation. “I mean, you have every right to date around. You just surprised me, I guess.”

Julia offered another full smile. “I’m good for that. But, like I said, they haven’t really worked out. That’s been good, too, I think. It’s helped me be more decisive in figuring out what’s best for me.”

“I’m happy for you, then. I just hope they’ve been good to you.”

She rolled her eyes adorably, pulling a chuckle from Cassian. It felt nice to laugh.

“They were perfect gentlemen, Cass. No need to get overprotective.”

They were interrupted by the waiter, who delivered a sandwich for Cassian and crepes for Julia. The two of them ate silently for a few minutes, content in each other’s company.

“So, what about you? Anything new?”

Cassian nodded his head before taking a sip of water to wash his food down. His chest constricted with nerves at her question.

“Yes, and no. On my front, everything has been fairly mellow; just work and seeing my family. Amren gets married in a couple of weeks, so she’s been a bit of a terror as far as that’s concerned.”

Julia laughed at his affectionate jab. “Don’t be hard on her. She’s probably beyond stressed, and she doesn’t need you giving her trouble,” she chided playfully.

He raised his hands in surrender, pushing through his worry to fill her in on everything. “Yes ma’am. I think this might be the first time anyone has ever fussed at me for being hard on Amren. Other than that, Nesta came to stay in Velaris about a week or so ago.”

The woman froze for milliseconds but recovered quickly. Cassian appreciated her attempt at being agreeable as far as Nesta was concerned; especially considering the fight that had ultimately led to their split.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. She had some stuff go down with her roommate that left her in a tough spot. She took a leave of absence from work and plans to stay with Rhys and Feyre for a little while.”

Julia, the soft-hearted woman she was, softened dramatically at his words. She seemed to have a sixth sense about the information, as if she knew something traumatic happened without Cassian saying a word.

“Wow. I hate that for her,” she sympathized. “At least she got to come home to her family for a little while though. I guess that means you’ll be seeing her around.”

“Probably so. I actually saw her yesterday.” He held his breath; hoping that nugget of information wasn’t what ultimately exhausted her good favor.

She gave nothing away as she nodded her head and took a pull of her water, taking her time to set it back down on the table.

“And how is she?”

Cassian noticed the tension laced through her shoulders, but she wouldn’t give him a clue to her thoughts otherwise.

“Jules, we don’t have to talk about this. If it’s too weird—“

“How is she?” Her words were clipped, her tone serious, and a look of determination resided across her features.

“Not great,” he admitted quietly, shifting his gaze to rest on the table between them.

Julia took a deep breath before reaching across the table to place her petite hand over his. It barely covered his fingers.

“I know that I haven’t been the best support of Team Nesta, but I’m trying to understand. I can only assume what happened with her roommate was serious if she’s on a leave of absence, so she probably needs all hands on deck.”

He nodded, lifting his thumb to rub along the side of her hand in thanks.

“I’m going to keep trying. We’ve already talked about how Nesta isn’t going anywhere, so I need to work through this. It may take me some time, though. Be patient with me?”

Her voice was so timid and vulnerable that he wanted to pull her into him. It meant the world that she was trying to understand his dynamic with Nesta, and more than that, her words healed many of the wounds that remained from their falling out.

“Of course,” Cassian whispered, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t deserve you.”

Julia smiled freely then, bringing her fork to her mouth to pull a piece of pineapple off sharply. A playfulness laced itself into her words, and her eyes took on a mischievous glint.

“Maybe one day.”

—

When Cassian got into his car, he realized he had several unread text messages. Most notable was a rather gruff one from Amren.

Ren: _Come over when you get this._

An order, not a request.

C: _What if I’m busy?_

Amren’s response was immediate, as if she was watching her phone for his reply.

Ren: _Are you?_

C: _I’m on my way._

It didn’t take long to drive from the cafe to Amren’s studio apartment. Cassian climbed the steps and offered a quick knock before easing the door open to go inside. He was going to kill Amren if she didn’t start locking her damn door.

“I could have killed you,” he called into the apartment.

“You could try,” she replied drily, gesturing for him to join her in the sitting area.

He complied, although he rolled his eyes dramatically at his friend. His form fell heavily into the couch, bouncing Amren around as he got settled. Once he stopped moving, he felt the heat of her glare in his direction and huffed a laugh at her expense.

“Don’t look at me like that; you’re fine. So, what’s the emergency?”

“I had lunch with Nesta today, and she told me what happened. She also told me she spoke to you yesterday.”

“Alright...” Cassian trailed off. “Are you asking me to confirm her story?”

“No, you oaf. I’m trying to check on you and see if you’ve committed any murder in the last 12 hours. And the last time we talked, you said you were distancing yourself. What’s happened since then?”

Cassian threw one of his long arms across the back of the couch as he considered, looking out into the apartment as if the answer was written on the wall.”Nothing. I haven’t seen her since the last time she was in town.”

To say Amren didn’t look convinced in the slightest was an understatement.

“What? I’m serious. I’m glad she showed up, but I hadn’t spoken to her since she left Velaris.”

“That’s what she said, too. I guess that seemed odd to me considering how the two of you left things.”

“Meh,” he deflected, “we sort of squashed that when she flew home. She texted me about the missed calls, and we let it all go.”

Cassian almost elaborated on why she showed up; that she had told him she felt safe with him, but his throat dried up at the mere thought of mentioning it aloud. His pride wouldn’t fare well if Amren mentioned anything to the contrary. The information was safest in his head for the time being.

“I’m assuming you didn’t talk to her though? Like we discussed?”

“Right. It wasn’t exactly a text conversation, and I know I need to let her live her life. Right now, I’m just trying to be a good friend to her.”

Amren nodded her head, a vacant look in her almond eyes.

“Alright. Well, Nes also told me she invited you to lunch today.”Cassian failed to fight the cringe at her words. He knew what was coming next. “How do you think being the best of friends is going to go while you’re trying to get back into Julia’s good graces?”

“Ren,” he complained, exasperation dripping off the nickname. “Can we not do this?”

“Oh, we’re doing this. Especially if you plan to call me for whiskey anytime you make dumbass decisions.” Cassian didn’t dare argue with her on that note.

“Fine. First of all, I’m not trying to get back in Julia’s good graces. We’re in a decent place, not that you asked. Second of all, I was honest with her about Nesta being in town, and she was really supportive.”

His friend only blinked at him, urging him to continue without saying a word.

“Nesta and I are trying to be better. We’re being honest with each other, and I extended the same policy to everyone in my life. I’m not going to dance around everyone anymore.”

The woman softened infinitesimally at that, and Cassian felt his shoulders relax slightly as she relented. He was in no mood for a true verbal sparring with Amren.

“Alright, fine. Maybe I jumped to conclusions.”

Cassian only nodded in a agreement. He didn’t trust himself to comment.

“I’m glad you’ve come to that realization. So back to my original goal for calling you over; how are you feeling with Nesta’s news? Please tell me you haven’t done anything stupid.”

He managed a chuckle at her last statement. If anyone knew the potential of Cassian’s rage, Amren was one of those people. She was well within her rights to check on such things. “I haven’t done anything, I swear.” His friend relaxed noticeably into the couch, but her posture went rigid again at his next statements. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d skin the dude alive if I didn’t think it would cause her any added stress. He’s fucking dead to me.”

“ _Gods_ , Cassian,” she muttered, rubbing her fingers across her forehead in concern. Before he could call her out for being judgmental, when he knew she shared the sentiment, his friend elaborated. “I mean, I’d like to hand the guy his ass, too, but you have a gift for imagery.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Look— I’m only bringing this next thing up because I feel like you’ve had enough surprises. And because I know you, I think you should be mentally prepared.”

Cassian’s stomach dropped, his food resting far too heavily at Amren’s tone. She was correct in that he couldn’t handle many more surprises after the last couple of days, especially when he wasn’t one to particularly care for surprises on good days.

“Nesta is headed back this weekend to move out of the apartment. Her friend Clare offered to let her store her things in a spare room. She’s ready to get some closure by moving out, so it’s a good place for her to store her things while she figures out what her next steps are. From what she told me, she’s still planning to come back to Velaris for her remaining leave, but she doesn’t want it looming over her anymore.”

The same tingling he’d experienced before in his hands and feet creeped up on him, and he felt his breaths becoming more shallow. He resented the visceral reaction his body seemed to have to all things Nesta.

When he brought himself to speak, he spoke with a deadly calm. “Who’s going with her?”

Amren rolled her eyes at that, clearly annoyed with the answer. That did nothing to stifle Cassian’s nerves. “From what she said, no one. She said she’s already planned to go when he’s not home and will leave him a note. Clare is supposed to be on standby, too.”

“No,” Cassian responded casually, his voice soft yet resolute. He wouldn’t hear of it, but he knew enough to know it wasn’t his decision in the least.

“Listen, you’re preaching to the choir. I basically insisted on going with her, but she wouldn’t have it. She doesn’t want it to be anyone else’s problem, and she said my wedding was too soon for me to be concerned with her living situation.”

He leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together in front of him. “What about Feyre and Elain? Az and Rhys?”

“You know Nesta better than a lot of people. You really think she would refuse my offer but allow her sisters to take that risk? I would be surprised if they knew of her plans at all.”

Cassian pushed himself roughly to his feet and began pacing the small studio apartment. His long legs travelled the area in a comical number of steps.

“Whatever you’re thinking,” Amren warned, “it’s a bad idea.”

“I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m thinking, Ren.” He raked his hands through his long hair. “What is _she_ thinking? I get she has a plan, but what’s the back-up plan? What if that piece of shit comes home while she’s packing? I can’t even let myself think of it,” he rambled, his voice raising more the longer he spoke.

“I know. I think she just wants to make sure he doesn’t go after anyone she care about, so she’s trying not to involve us.”

“Well, what about the people who care about _her_?” Cassian nearly yelled. “Why doesn’t anyone get to look out for her?”

“Ian, you’re spiraling.”

“I fucking know that,” he snapped. He instantly regretted it.

Amren was on her feet in seconds, leveling him with one of the most poisonous glares she’d ever used. Their height difference was almost humorous with the current climate, especially considering her actions affected him immediately.

“Get your shit together. Now,” she ordered.

He was almost impressed with the fact that he started his mental inventory immediately, without so much as a conscious thought. Pinching his nose between his thumb and middle finger, he let out a long sigh before making eye contact with her again. “You’re right,” he relented. “I’m gonna go. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll call you later.”

Amren didn’t protest as he walked out the front door.

—

Cassian had made a lot of progress over the past couple of days, but no one could have expected perfection of him. That’s what he told himself, at least, as he parked his car in his brother and sister-in-law’s driveway.

Feyre answered the door fairly quickly, giving him a quick once over with a look of confusion. “Cass— hi! I wasn’t expecting you. Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, baby sister,” he assured her, placing a quick kiss to her cheek as he stepped through the doorway. “Is Nesta around?”

“Um, yeah. I think so. The last I saw her she was out on the back porch. You sure everything is okay?”

“Yep. Just checking in,” he replied, already looking over her shoulder toward the French doors that led to the backyard.

His sister-in-law knew him well enough to know when he was distracted and gestured him forward to whatever mission he was on. Cassian made a mental note to stop by and have tea with her soon; especially considering they hadn’t spent much time together since she forgave him for blowing off her party.

The French doors opened silently, leaving Nesta completely undisturbed by his arrival. Cassian paused with the doorknob in hand, temporarily mesmerized by the look on her face. To see her unfiltered, completely enraptured in the novel she was reading, was breathtaking. Cassian believed that if more people were blessed enough to see her so content and happy, there would be almost no one that wasn’t completely in love with her.

The woman of his attention suddenly realized his presence and startled slightly at seeing him there. Before he could rattle off any apologies, her face softened into something like joy at seeing who was in her company. Cassian pretended it didn’t bend his heart in half to see the expression.

“Hey, Cass,” she breathed happily. “What are you doing here?”

Momentarily stunned by how he’d found her, combined with her warm reception, Cassian had to shake his head slightly to orient back to reality. The corner of Nesta’s mouth twitched in amusement, but she spared him any embarrassment.

“I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing,” he began as he walked toward her. “I didn’t stumble on any riots in Velaris, so I’m assuming you kept Ren in check over lunch.”

Nesta laughed softly as she slid her bookmark into place and gently closed her book in her lap. The action, as small and seemingly mundane as it was, transported him to another time. He had made the fatal mistake of dog-earring the pages of a book she had loaned him, and she had reacted as if he was no better than a savage for having done it. Cassian didn’t fight the smile that pulled at his lips at the memory, earning a questioning look from the woman.

“What?”

“Nothing.” His smirk stayed resolutely in place, despite his desire to tame it. “I see you’re as prim as always.”

She looked toward her lap, at the small bookmark sticking out above the pages, and huffed a laugh through her nose. The same memory seemed to dawn on her even with little context. “I guess you’re right. Although, I have to admit, I’ve softened a little toward other methods in recent years.”

Cassian’s eyes grew in faux incredulity. “Does Nesta Archeron bend the pages of her books now? I never thought I’d see the day.”

Amusement danced across her beautiful face, but her jaw dropped in outrage. “Absolutely not! I have standards,” she argued. Her voice quickly turned meek as she looked to the book again. “It’s just... sometimes you find yourself re-reading a book, and suddenly you realize you’ve been gliding your thumb over those small creases as the only thing left of a memory, you know?”

His breath caught in his throat. Somehow, this woman so effortlessly articulated every struggle he had ever experienced with having to let her go. The smallest things were the hardest.

“Yeah,” he croaked, cursing himself for the emotion in his voice. “Some marks are permanent, though.”

Sensing the heavier air that settled between them, Nesta’s eyes danced with mirth once again. “Oh, so now you understand?”

Cassian scoffed at her and rolled his eyes, but he was eternally grateful for her deflection. The emotions he was already navigating consumed him enough, and anything else would have him near drowning. He walked over to the cushioned bench where she sat and positioned himself on the other side.

“I guess I should be honest and tell you I have other reasons for coming.”

“Okay. Everything alright?”

“Yes and no?”

Nesta laughed at the upward inflection of his response, earning a smile from Cassian in return despite himself.

“Had you already decided you were going back to move out when you were at my apartment last night?”

The woman blinked up at him, a subtle frown tugging at her mouth. “Not exactly. I knew I needed to, but when I woke up this morning, I kind of decided it was better now than later.”

Cassian was impressed with such a forthcoming answer from someone who would usually deflect and tell him to mind his own business. Even though the subject matter wasn’t ideal, he was pleased to see she was honoring her end of the honesty bargain.

“You’re going alone.”

“Yes, I’m traveling alone. And before you start lecturing me, I have Clare back home who will be on standby if I need anything. I don’t want to disrupt anyone’s routines more than I already have.”

“Nesta,” he breathed, orienting toward her more fully, “no one would feel that way.”

“I don’t expect you to understand or agree with me, Cassian, but I need to get out of that apartment permanently. All the unfinished business is going to keep me up at night until I resolve it, and I’m ready to have it behind me.”

“I understand all of it; really, I do,” he insisted. “But you have to know we’re going to worry every second that you’re gone. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you mentioned Clare being on standby. You’re planning to go to that apartment alone, and quite honestly, Nesta, it makes me sick to think of what could happen to you.”

Her steel blue eyes scanned his face thoroughly before she dropped her gaze to her clasped hands. “I should have known you would pick up on that. How do you always notice even the smallest omissions?”

The words bubbled out of Cassian before he thought through them at all. Truth, their truth, was laced through every one of them.

“Easy. It’s our favorite way to lie to each other.”

Nesta’s eyes met his immediately, but there was no ire there. Silver rimmed her lower lids as her mouth formed a grim line.

“Nes, I didn’t mean—“

“I’m not mad,” she interrupted, her voice breaking. “It’s just that you’re right.”

His shoulders sagged noticeably at the defeat he noticed in her. Slowly, he reached for her hand and cupped it between both of his own.

“We’re not doing that anymore, remember? Which is why I’m here asking you to change your plans. It would kill me if something happened to you,” he admitted, baring his cards to her in a way he never thought he would ever bring himself to do again.

The conviction in his voice must have registered with Nesta. She blinked against her tears and looked at him with more resolve than before. “I know,” she murmured. “But you understand why I have to do it, right?”

Cassian closed his eyes as his head hanged forward. He gripped her hand tighter as he looked back into her face, hoping to the gods that she could see how strongly he felt about the matter.

“Of course I do, Sweetheart.” He paused, searching her face for any indication that she would soften to his perspective. He saw no hints that it was happening, so he decided to change course. “That’s why I’m coming with you.”

Nesta’s eyes nearly doubled in size as she regarded him. “I can’t ask you to do that, Cass. You have things going on here, and it’s short notice.”

“You didn’t ask me. I offered.”

“It’s not necessary,” she bit back, growing impatient with his insistence. He was growing just as impatient with her stubbornness.

“Nesta,” he snapped. “Just yesterday I was walking you inside this very house and staying with you until you fell asleep. Are you really going to sit here and expect me to believe you’re fine with walking back into that apartment? What if he shows up?”

Tears spilled instantly from her eyes, and Cassian hated himself for being the cause. He launched forward and pulled her into him, murmuring his apologies for being insensitive to her circumstances. Nesta leaned into his chest as she cried, clutching the sides of his shirt as she fought to recover.

“N-no. You’re right,” she agreed, drawing an unsteady breath to try and sooth herself. “I think I was hoping to power through and put it all behind me. I guess that was stupid of me.”

“Hey,” he chided, gently pulling her chin upward with his index finger. “You’re not stupid. You’re brave, and you want to try and protect everyone around you.”

Cassian looked into her face until she nodded softly. He needed to know she believed him before he continued.

“You have to let us return the favor every now and then, though. Let me come with you. Please.”

Nesta chewed her lip as she considered, an infinite number of scenarios bounding through her brain. He wished he knew what she was thinking.

“I’ll stay out of your way if you want, but—“ he paused, his voice breaking slightly, “I don’t want you to be alone.”

After an eternity, which was actually more like a few seconds, Nesta finally blessed him with a subtle dip of her head.

“Okay.”

He pulled her into his chest again, clutching her tightly in relief. “Thank the gods, you stubborn thing.”

The two of them shared a laugh at that, but neither of them let go.

“Thank you,” Nesta murmured into his chest, and he held her impossibly closer.

Abandoning the concept of friendly boundaries, Cassian tucked his face tightly where her neck met her shoulder, and Nesta seemed to melt into him as if by muscle memory. He responded then, pressing the words directly onto her skin.

“Anything for you.”


	10. Part 9 (Nesta POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for suggestive language, mature themes, and mentions of abuse.

——————————————————————————

Nesta’s knee bounced with nerves as she and Cassian awaited their boarding call. Did she love flying? No. Was it better than spending an entire Friday driving 20-plus hours, only to spend several days moving out of the apartment she shared with her abusive ex? Absolutely.

She checked their boarding pass for the umpteenth time, eager to hear their boarding group called. A warm hand gripped her thigh just above the knee and held it gently to stop the jiggling caused by her movements. Her eyes snapped up to Cassian, who had his head rested on his other fist attempting to rest.

That familiar jolt shot through her at the physical contact, and she promptly shoved it down. They still had yet to talk about everything in their past, and she couldn’t afford the mental energy to process any of it. A rogue smile graced Cassian’s handsome face, clearly demonstrating his amusement at her nerves.

“You would think you’ve never flown before,” he said drowsily as he eased his eyes closed and brought his hand back to his lap.

Nesta glared at him even though he would have no way of seeing her. Perhaps he could feel the heat of her gaze on his skin, if she was lucky. She used her foot to nudge his roughly, earning a warm chuckle from the man who seemed far too relaxed for her taste.

“Leave me alone,” she grumbled. “I don’t like not having any control of my fate.”

“No one would be surprised to hear that, Sweetheart.” He had the audacity to keep his eyes closed as he goaded her. The brute.

She quickly leaned over to flick the top of his ear. His hazel eyes snapped open with a glow of green and gold in his frustration, his brow furrowed as he looked her over. Nesta didn’t fight the slight feeling of vindication.

“They should have put you with the luggage,” he muttered, easing his head back to his fist.

“You are so rude,” she said through a laugh. “That’s no way to treat someone who opted to upgrade to the exit row so that you didn’t have to fold in half to get seated.”

Cassian huffed a laugh at that, despite his attempts to seem unaffected. Their banter did its job in distracting Nesta from her nerves, and before she knew it, the attendant called their boarding group forward. The flow to their seats was less painful than usual, and she assumed that maybe it had something to do with the early hour. Everyone seemed ready to be seated and asleep.

She settled into her chair, pulling a small disinfectant wipe from her bag to wipe their tray tables, headrests, and armrests. Cassian rolled his eyes subtly as he stowed their carry-on bags overhead, bending dramatically to slide into their row without hitting his head.

“You would.”

That earned glare number two from Nesta, and they had yet to even take off. “You’ll thank me when you aren’t picking up whatever the hell is living on all this.”

“You’re right,” he conceded, but his tone leaned toward placating rather than appreciative.

The pair settled into their seats. Nesta relinquished the window to Cassian so that he would have a little extra elbow room without sticking out into the aisle, and the man quickly made himself comfortable. The pilot began his announcements, and Nesta realized she hadn’t let her sisters know that they were waiting for take off. She opened her phone to shoot them a text before she heard a soft, rhythmic noise. It took a few seconds to place, but she realized that the sound was coming from Cassian. Her friend was fast asleep against the wall, his face soft and snoring quietly in a way that was closer to a purr. Nesta’s chest swelled with fondness and amusement, and she impulsively snapped a photo to tease him with later.

She placed her phone on airplane mode and took some deep breaths to combat her anxiety. At that point, she had no idea the origin; the flight itself or the destination, so she tried to clear her mind of both for the sake of efficiency. The roar of the engines startled her and her seat mate, disrupting her attempt to ease herself down. Cassian wiggled a little to get settled once more before turning his ever-perceptive gaze on her.

Unsure of what gave her away, Nesta watched as his face morphed to understanding. He reached across his body to softly grip her hand and guide it under his other, slightly raised, arm. Softly depositing her hand atop the forearm closest to her, he used his other hand to cover it in an attempt to comfort her. The man made no fuss about it; simply leaned back against the wall and resumed his quest for slumber.

A small smile pulled at the corners of Nesta’s mouth, and she was filled with gratitude that Cassian had offered to accompany her. Somehow he always managed to find the perfect balance of offering support without coddling her, leaving Nesta to wonder if anyone else in her life had managed to do a thing he seemed to do on instinct. It didn’t take long to realize the answer was no.

—

They landed earlier than planned, and Nesta appreciated the small cushion it afforded them in the day. They weren’t making an major moves on travel day, but she had a meeting later in the afternoon with Human Resources to check in and talk about next steps. They hadn’t asked much of her in terms of details, but she felt like providing a little more context would be appropriate considering the possibilities of her running into Tomas at events between their two firms. She didn’t think on it too much; deciding instead to focus her attention on navigating the airport and finding their rental car kiosk.

With impressive efficiency, they were out of the airport in what felt like record time. Cassian insisted on driving, despite the fact that Nesta knew where she was going, and she finally relented. He argued that he should learn his way around anyway, but she fought the urge to call him out on being transparently over-protective. That was an argument for another day.

A short call to The Merchant Hotel informed them that her reservation was eligible for early check-in, so the pair decided it was best to head there first. The plan was to drop off their bags, grab food at the small restaurant in the lobby, and rest a minute until Nesta’s meeting. Reviewing their agenda for the day made her stomach twist slightly, but she hoped Cassian was none the wiser. She could tell he was wound tight already, and initially she thought it was grumpiness from waking up abruptly during the plane’s landing. Generally speaking, Cassian tended to shake off those moods fairly quickly, so his continued broodiness concerned her.

“Hey, everything okay?”

Her voice seemed to snap him out of whatever thought he was entertaining. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Just tired.”

He gave her a reassuring smile, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. For those months she had taken care in memorizing the way his eyes crinkled in the corners when he genuinely smiled; had spent so many minutes tracing them with the pads of her fingers or pressing her lips to them. She had spent even more months seeing them in her dreams or in the faces of strangers, but the eyes of those strangers always ended up being the wrong color.

“You’re lying.”

His head snapped in her direction before turning back toward the road, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.

“Only half lying. I am tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh. Any reason why?” Her voice was quiet, trying to veil the concern that coursed through her.

Did he regret coming with her? Did his choice to travel with her cause trouble with Julia? Was he worried about having to be around her for an entire weekend?

“I thought there was such a thing as having the right to ones own thoughts,” he deflected, his smile growing slightly.

“Well, you were mistaken,” she joked, happy to see a little evidence that it wasn’t her interfering with his mood. “I let you drive, so you could at least humor me.”

Cassian looked sidelong at her, rolling his eyes slightly as he turned them back toward the road. The man let out a huge rush of air before he started talking, but Nesta couldn’t help but be impressed. She thought she was going to have to fight harder for his cooperation.

“I started thinking about this weekend; why we’re here. That made me start thinking about everything you told me and what happened with... him.” He winced, as if the thought of uttering Tomas’ name was abhorrent. Guilt seemed to flash across his face as well, and Nesta assumed it was due to the subject matter. For some reason, it didn’t bother her coming from his mouth at all. “I tossed and turned trying to talk myself off the ledge. Anytime I think about it, I get so... angry that I can’t think straight.”

Nesta nodded her head in understanding and kept her attention fixed on his handsome face. She wanted to reach out and smooth the pain from his features; gently massage the tension from his forehead and use her thumbs to ease the frown of his mouth. Her next thought was one of admonishment when she realized her urges weren’t the least bit platonic.

“You sure you want to hear all this, Nes? I don’t want to burden you with it.”

“Stop doing that,” she snapped, but she reeled her tone in immediately. She wasn’t angry; just impatient. “You always try to discount your thoughts or absolve others of any responsibility to be there for you. There’s always some qualifier of, ‘We don’t have to talk about it’ or ‘Let’s talk about this later’, but you’re always here for everyone else. Let me be here for you. Please.”

Cassian blinked rapidly in her direction as if she slapped him, but he never showed any signs of frustration. She was skilled in picking up on those signs as well considering their past, and she was relieved that they were absent. With his attention fixed resolutely on the road, he spoke again.

“For whatever reason, I thought about the last time you were in Velaris. The fight we had. I let my emotions get the better of me and acted irrationally, which I apologize for, by the way.” He paused to give her a look of sincerity. “But I thought about how you reacted to me, to my anger, and I couldn’t help but compare it to the situation with Tomas. Nesta, if I scared you, or made you feel like you only had certain options to _deal_ with me, I don’t think I can forgive myself.”

Nesta was speechless. It took a second for her to catch up with his reference of the fight, and she recalled how they’d slept together afterward and pretended nothing happened. Her stomach dropped at the thought that he read her panic at him leaving as fear. She blinked as she tried to gather her wits. Despite their dysfunctional past, Nesta had never once felt afraid of Cassian. It killed her that her actions, her complete inability to communicate her feelings to him, had led him to comparing himself to someone who abused her.

“Cassian, no,” she murmured, her voice breaking over his name. She cursed the tears that had sprung to her eyes. “ _Please_ don’t ever think that. What happened between you and me was a world apart from what happened with Tomas. I’ve never once been afraid of you.”

His shoulders dropped slightly at her words, but he didn’t seem wholly convinced. Every second that he believed that of himself, her heart fractured just a little bit more.

“Pull over.”

He looked at her questioningly, but she only stared back. Clearly realizing that fighting her on it would be fruitless, Cassian flipped the blinker to pull into a convenience store parking lot. He placed the car in park, but his eyes never turned toward her. The man seemed hellbent on staring out the windshield, so Nesta turned her body fully in her seat, bending one leg underneath her to face him. Her hand, dwarfed by the sheer size of the man next to her, rested on his shoulder. The touch instantly earned his attention.

“I wanted your undivided attention. Sorry,” she explained. He only smiled softly at her, encouraging her to continue. “Cassian, it’s me that owes you an apology. The only common denominator between those two scenarios is me. I manipulated you that day, not that I was consciously doing it at the time, but that’s how it boils down. I could have let you leave and dealt with the consequences of my words, but I couldn’t bear it.”

Nesta paused to collect herself. Her friend reached across the center console to take her free hand gently in his, and the action broke her heart even further. She truly felt like no matter what she said next, he had already forgiven her, and she wasn’t sure she deserved it.

“I don’t know what to call what we’ve been doing over the last couple of years, but whatever it is, I’ve held onto it like a lifeline. I think to some degree, I was comforted by the fact that we always came back to each other because I could tell myself it wasn’t really over,” she explained, her voice wet with emotion. “That day, you seemed so resolute in ending it that I panicked. It felt like it could be the last time you ever walked away from me, and I think what happened— how I acted— was me trying to prove to myself that we could still be saved.”

Tears streamed down her face at that, and she had to look away to avoid succumbing to them entirely. She took several steadying breaths to calm her nerves until Cassian’s deep voice filled the small sedan.

“Nes, I can’t exactly lecture you on communication here because, the gods know, I’m not great at it. But you could have talked to me. I would have understood.” His tone wasn’t accusatory; more comforting than anything else.

“I couldn’t,” she began, turning her face to look at him. “I’m the one that fucked it all up in the first place. I never felt like I had the right to say any of that to you.”

It was Cassian’s turn to orient more fully toward her, but he could only do so much due to his size. Her hand slipped from his shoulder during his movements, and she brought it to her face to wipe it clean.

“You have the right to your feelings, no matter what they are.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, not entirely convinced. “Anyway, I told myself I would talk to you the next time I was in Velaris. That way, things wouldn’t be so heated and would go smoother. Except the next time I was there...”

“Wasn’t the time to worry about it,” he finished for her.

“Right. And we decided to be friends, so I felt like we were in a good place for now. Hopefully you can still stomach being friends with me,” she murmured, glancing at her lap.

Cassian’s free hand reached toward her, his long index finger curling beneath her chin to tilt it back up. His hazel eyes bore into her own and commanded her attention. She couldn’t look away if she tried.

“Remember, I played my own part in everything between us. This isn’t all on you. If you’re down to be friends, I’m still on board, too.”

The small smile he offered her broke what was left of her heart and mended it somehow in the same breath. As if a weight was lifted off her sternum, she could breathe again, and she gently gripped his wrist to lower his hand from her chin. Her thumb rubbed the inner part of his wrist, just once back and forth, in a show of good faith, and she pretended not to notice how Cassian’s breath hitched at the contact.

All she could offer him was a nod and a smile, but it seemed to satisfy him all the same. The man eased back onto their route to The Merchant Hotel, dropping Nesta off at the door to check in while he found a place to park. The irony that she was renting a hotel room in the city where she lived wasn’t lost on her, but she shook off any thoughts of why that was before she went down that rabbit hole again.

“Good afternoon,” the concierge greeted happily.

Nesta offered a polite smile as she approached. “Hi. I’m here for early check-in. It’s under Archeron.”

“Perfect, let me pull up your reservation Ms. Archeron. Nesta?”

She offered a nod.

“Great. I have you for three nights, two double beds. Is that correct?”

Nesta’s stomach plummeted. This could not be happening. When Cassian had insisted on joining her for this trip, she had booked his ticket and called to alter her reservation to two rooms. Clearly, that hadn’t been well-received by whomever answered the phone at the hotel. She felt her lower back flush with sweat as anxiety shot through her.

“It should be two rooms. I called last week to change my reservation from one to two.”

“Hmm. I’m only seeing one, but let me look at the notes here.” Nesta watched with bated breath as the concierge‘s eyes tracked across the computer screen. “Okay, it says here that you called, and they altered your reservation to two beds. Your original was one king, but they changed it. I’m so sorry, Ms. Archeron. There must have been a miscommunication.”

“Clearly,” she muttered. She felt a little guilty for her attitude since it likely wasn’t the woman’s fault, but she hadn’t been in the best mood to begin with. “Well, can we add another room now?”

The concierge, Lauren according to her name tag, winced at the question. “I will definitely check. We have two business conferences in town this weekend, so the last I heard we were booked. There may have been a cancellation.”

“Thanks.” Nesta’s elbow was propped on the tall counter of the hotel, so she lowered her forehead to brace it in her palm. She took some deep breaths to try and quiet the irritability that would usually control her at that point, but all she could think about was how this could look to Cassian. He had been nothing but a wonderful, supportive friend to her since she arrived in Velaris, and they just had an impromptu heart-to-heart in the car about her manipulative behavior. How would it look to him when he walked inside to find out there was only one room reserved? Would he assume she had planned it all along?

“Everything okay?” Cassian’s voice interrupted her spiral, causing her to startle slightly.

“Shit, you scared me. Yeah. A small issue with the reservation, but Lauren is taking care of it.”

A warm chuckle from Cassian, followed by his palm rubbing roughly between her shoulders. “Sorry, Sweetheart. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Lauren looked up at her then, and Nesta knew what she was about to say before she opened her mouth. “I’m so sorry. We’re entirely booked up.”

Cassian was the first to speak. “What? Was her reservation overlooked?”

“No,” Nesta interrupted. She only had seconds before Cassian went into problem-solving mode. “I called to change my reservation last week, but instead of two rooms, they just changed it to two beds. We only have one room.”

She couldn’t look directly at him, fearing the very thing she thought of before. A faint blush rose to her cheeks, and she cursed her body for being so obvious in her anxiety.

“Oh,” he responded, raising his hand to grip the back of his neck. “Uhh. Okay. Well, what do you want to do?”

Finally, she looked at him. He seemed just as flustered as she did, but she saw nothing indicating he felt misled or skeptical of her intentions. Regardless, she was still a little embarrassed. Before answering him, she handed her credit card over to Lauren to initiate the check-in process before anything else went awry.

“It’s separate beds, so if you’re okay with staying together, we could always do that. I could also call Claire and see if I could stay with her and you could have the room. Either way works for me.”

“We’ll decide once we get upstairs,” he answered, his voice a little harder than before. That didn’t do much to settle Nesta’s raging thoughts.

It felt like an eternity for Lauren to finish checking them in. They two of them rode the elevators to the 11th floor and walked silently to their assigned room. It was nice, large in layout with a small chaise near the window. Cassian placed his bag on the desk before walking over to look out the window. Nesta was the first to say anything.

“Cass, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I can call Claire.”

He turned slowly toward her, his face unreadable. “Nesta, I’m not uncomfortable. I don’t want you to feel pressured either way. I’m more worried about you, but it’s also not like we haven’t stayed together before.” The rogue smile he gave her made her laugh, and he added a wink for good measure.

“Very true,” she agreed tossing her bag onto the bed closest to her. “And Tomas knows where she lives so... I think I’m more comfortable here.”

“Sounds good to me.”

—

Nesta was finishing up her meeting with HR when her phone started vibrating wildly in her back pocket. She’d stayed true to the information she’d wanted to share, and the representative she spoke to did really well, seemingly, with reading between the lines. They assured her she should take all the time she needed of the 12-week leave and that they would look into some alternatives regarding firm events.

Upon exiting the rep’s office, she opened her phone and smiled at the familiar name on her screen. Claire had sent her several messages, all rapid fire, and she wondered what the hell could possibly be so important.

> Claire: **I know you’re in a meeting, but heads up.**
> 
> Claire: **There’s a very large, VERY attractive man in our lobby**
> 
> Claire: **I asked him if he needed anything. He says he’s here WAITING FOR YOU**
> 
> Claire: **That’s Cassian, isn’t it? Suddenly, your behavior when you visit home makes SO much sense**
> 
> Claire: **Fuck, he’s tall. Come by my office as soon as your meeting lets out**

Nesta couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of her at her friend’s chaotic texting. Claire was honest to the core, with a slight flare for drama, and the entire thread of texts made her realize how much she missed her. She had told her about Cassian joining her to move things into Claire’s spare room, and the woman had been anxious to meet the man she’d heard several stories about. Other than Cassian himself, Claire was the only person who knew of their many dalliances post break-up, and she had never once judged her.

Slipping through her office door silently, she moved to sit in one of the chairs across Claire’s desk. Her movement grabbed her friend’s attention from whatever she was reading, and the woman’s face lit up at seeing who was sitting across from her.

“Nes! Thank the gods,” she praised, leaning back in her leather chair. “I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you, too. I got your texts, by the way.” Nesta smiled playfully at her, but Claire carried on with a certain seriousness.

“You could have warned me that he looks like _that_ , Nesta. By the gods, I was already in love before he even told me he was here for you.”

“Cassian has that effect on most people,” she admitted begrudgingly. “Please don’t tell him that. His head won’t fit through the door.”

“You got it. I hope you know I would never do anything to disrespect you, but you’ll have to give me a little time to process what the hell I just experienced. He’s... he’s something else.”

“Gods, Claire. Careful, or you’ll start drooling,” she joked through a laugh. She knew her friend’s teasing was nothing but good-natured. “You ready to meet him? I thought the three of us could get an early dinner to make moving less awkward tomorrow.”

Claire stood with impressive speed, smoothing the front of her pencil skirt as she did so. “I thought you’d never ask.”

—

As she should have predicted, Cassian and Claire made fast friends. Their likeness had never really stood out to Nesta, but watching them interact at dinner made it painfully obvious. Both of them spoke animatedly about various subjects and made each other laugh almost effortlessly. Most notably, they both seemed to hold an opinion of Nesta near reverence, and she found herself feeling warm all over at that realization.

Their chuckles had just died down when Cassian looked at the two of them with a conspiratorial expression. “Claire, could I interest you in a nightcap? I was thinking we could have drinks by the pool if you two are up for it.”

Nesta’s chest swelled at Cassian’s care in making Claire feel welcome and comfortable. She leaned in to bump his shoulder with hers, blaming the wine for her lowered inhibitions around affection. He offered her a subtle wink at that, and she quickly turned her attention back to Claire, who was eagerly accepting the invitation.

Unbeknownst to Nesta, Cassian had driven to a nearby store while she was in her meeting to grab a fifth of whiskey. He claimed they would likely need a drink at some point over the weekend, even if Claire hadn’t agreed to the invitation. Nesta could have squeezed him breathless for the gesture.

The three of them settled into lounge chairs and resumed their casual conversation from before. The whiskey was wonderful, smoky and smooth, but with a delicate burn. As the night progressed, their jokes were funnier, stories were more fascinating, and the banter became more and more playful. Nesta couldn’t remember a time where she felt so happy and carefree.

She was lost in that very thought when she heard Cassian’s deep voice, laced with a playfulness that usually meant trouble.

“See? She’s not even listening to me, Claire. Unbelievable.”

“What? Sorry, I zoned out.”

“He said he was going to throw you in the pool!” Claire’s grin, paired with the quick snap of Cassian’s head in her direction, told Nesta that wasn’t necessarily the case. Regardless, she went along.

“Why would you do that to me, Cass?” She played up her expression, one dripping of offense at the thought.

“That not what I—“

“Don’t deny it now,” Claire interrupted, antagonizing the poor man next to her. “I won’t let you lie to my friend.”

Claire’s lips pulled up to one side around the edge of her glass, and Nesta watched as Cassian’s eyes lit up in challenge. That couldn’t be good. Like calling to like.

“You know, I thought we had a good thing going, Claire,” he purred, his smirk revealing the dimple in his cheek. Nesta hoped that Claire wouldn’t be wooed by Cassian’s charms with the alcohol in her system. “But it sounds to me like you’re the one who’s most likely to end up in the pool.”

Claire’s eyes narrowed, that same troublesome smile in place. “You wouldn’t.”

“I absolutely would.”

“Please. You’d have to catch me first,” Claire challenged, taking another pull of whiskey and holding Cassian’s gaze.

Nesta’s eyes widened; she knew it was the wrong thing to say. Claire didn’t know that Cassian never backed down from a challenge, but she knew it all too well. Before Claire got the chance to make any move, Cassian was already lunging for her, gripping her arm and throwing her across his shoulders as if she weighed nothing. His other arm wrapped around her legs to keep her secure, wearing her as if she were merely a scarf.

“Oh gods, Cassian!” Claire squealed. “Wait— I’m sorry. Nonono.”

Nesta was laughing in earnest at their antics. Usually she would rush to her friend’s aid, but admittedly, she had gotten herself into this mess. One reaps what they sow.

Cassian’s full laugh echoed around the pool area, and a familiar shiver worked its way down Nesta’s spine. She always found him most attractive when he laughed openly, his joy radiating from him contagiously. Seeing him get along so well with her best friend and making such an effort? Another level.

“Nesta,” he called, “can Claire swim?”

Claire’s eyes looked to Nesta, hoping to be spared of her fate. She gave her friend a mischievous smile before she called back, “Really well, actually!”

Cassian broke into a light jog toward the deep end, jumping straight in with Claire in tow. It all happened so quickly that Claire barely had time to yell something that sounded suspiciously like “bitch” in Nesta’s direction. As the two of them surfaced, she heard Claire adamantly shouting something at Cassian, and to her horror, the man hauled himself over the side of the pool and walked toward her.

“Sorry,” he said with a grim smile, “Claire’s orders.”

Without any additional explanation, he threw Nesta over his shoulder, his arm gripping the backs of her thighs as she hanged upside down over his back. She wasn’t sure what she screamed incoherently at him as she pounded against his back, but it didn’t matter. Soon they were airborne, and seconds later, Nesta met the same fate as Claire.

“Both of you are dead to me!” Nesta doubted either of them heard her over their laughter.

Her frustration was short-lived; quickly replaced with a feeling of comfort and joy at such a nice evening with two of her favorite people. The three of them continued to splash each other for some time before deciding it was probably time to call it a night. None of them could afford to be sleep-deprived to start the weekend; Nesta and Cassian especially since they had a ton of packing and lifting to do.

The three of them went up to their room to change into fresh clothes. Claire intended to call a ride to bring her home, but she certainly couldn’t do so when she was drenched from head to toe. Nesta had offered to loan her something of hers, claiming she would have plenty to replace it with once she grabbed the rest of her things from the apartment.

As Nesta dug through her bag for something to offer, Cassian walked over toward the chaise to pull his soaked shirt off and hang it over the back to dry. He grabbed some clothes from his own bag, holding them sheepishly against his chest as he walked toward the bathroom to finish getting changed. Nesta glanced up just as he shut the door to see Claire admiring the view, and she snorted at catching her friend in blatant admiration. Rather than getting bashful, her friend lifted her hand to bite her knuckle, causing Nesta to dissolve into laughter.

“You’re the worst,” she said once she recovered. “No shame whatsoever.”

Claire joined her in her laughter, muttering, “My compliments to the chef,” under her breath and sending them into another fit of laughter. Nesta knew her stomach would be sore from the night they’d had, but she looked forward to the reminder of such a fun, stress free night.

“Seriously though, Nes, he’s wonderful. I know you decided to be friends, but... in the event you change your mind, I think you’d be great together. I wish you could see the way he looks at you.”

As if on cue, the subject of their conversation opened the bathroom door and walked out. He was roughly drying his hair with a towel and offered both of them a full smile. “I’ll take a walk and let you two change. Meet me downstairs?”

“Sure,” Nesta squeaked, trying her hardest to keep her heart contained within her rib cage.

With that, he was gone, and the two of them finished up. Claire looked up with confusion, her brows furrowed.

“Wait, why are we meeting downstairs? You two don’t have to wait with me for my ride. I’ll just go down when they get here.”

Nesta toyed with her hands nervously. “Cassian’s like that. He’ll want to make sure you get to the car safely. But, I was actually going to see if you minded if we rode with you and take the car back?” Her voice was meek even to her own ears, and she hoped Claire understood without an explanation.

The last time she’d seen Claire, they’d had a wonderful night of drinks and dinner. When they’d separated was when everything had gone to shit, and even though the scenario was entirely different, separating from her now was causing major anxiety for Nesta. Although irrational, that voice was telling Nesta to make sure Claire got home okay, especially when Nesta would have Cassian to accompany her back to the hotel.

Claire’s eyes scanned her face, and something she found must have told her not to fight Nesta on the matter. She smiled softly at her, extending her arm and pulling Nesta into a hug. “Of course, babe. I would miss you if you didn’t, anyway.”

—

The three of them piled into the ordered ride, Claire first, Nesta in the middle, and Cassian third. The man barely fit in the backseat of the small car, but he adjusted, throwing his long arm over the back of the seat. Nesta fought the urge to lean into his side.

Once they pulled into the parking lot of Claire’s complex, Nesta turned toward her to pull her into another hug. They all said their goodbyes, and Cassian asked the driver to stay put to ensure she got inside before they pulled away. Nesta knew they were being the friend equivalent of helicopter parents, especially considering Claire got around perfectly fine when they weren’t around, but she was thankful that her friend was humoring her for now.

The driver headed back toward the hotel, and Nesta noticed too late that she was still sitting against Cassian’s side. The urge to lean into him was as strong as ever, and without Claire as a buffer, she wondered how long she could sit there without doing so. It would have been a great enough feat without having put away almost an entire bottle of whiskey between the three of them.

She made to scoot over into the vacant seat, but she felt Cassian’s warm hand cup her shoulder gently. Against her better judgment, she looked into his face, and he only offered a sheepish smile in response. She gave him a shy one in return and settled back into her seat, leaning back against his arm more fully. His calloused fingers ran up and down her upper arm as they road in comfortable silence. In a moment of boldness, she placed her hand on Cassian knee, rubbing absentminded circles with her thumb. His thigh tensed beneath her, but he quickly relaxed into her touch. Nesta swore her entire body was on fire.

The spell was broken once they pulled up to the hotel. The two of them walked silently to the elevator and to their room, and Nesta caught herself wanting to reach for him several times along the way. The pull she felt to Cassian had always thrown her for a loop, but the events of late had her especially vulnerable.

“I was going to have another drink before I turn in. You take the shower first if you want.”

Nesta shook her head at hearing his voice. The alcohol and her emotions made her foggier than ever, but if Cassian noticed, he gave no indication. She only nodded in agreement before grabbing her pajamas and heading into the bathroom.

The faint sound of music played through the room, only barely audible from inside the shower. Nesta figured the playlist was one of Cassian’s many, and she listened along as she washed her hair and body. The man had decent taste in music; very eclectic. Credit should be given where due, she thought.

She emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, clean and a little more level-headed. The sight before her made a broad smile spread across her face, and she just narrowly succeeded in stifling a full laugh. Cassian was humming to himself, his glass raised as he stepped and spun around the room. He looked so happy and carefree, a stark contrast from earlier in the day, and Nesta didn’t have the heart to interrupt him.

She took him in; his fitted tee, athletic shorts, and down to his sock-clad feet. Her attention snagged on his hips in the process, and she cursed herself for being so distracted by the rhythm of them. With almost poetic timing, Cassian spun again and froze. It seemed her friend had yet to notice her entry from the bathroom.

Nesta offered an affectionate head shake, but rather than look embarrassed, he set his glass down and held out his hand. The nostalgia of it gave her whiplash, as if they were back in the cabin all those years ago. Maybe it was a bad idea to go down that road considering how that night had ended. Nesta wished she could care.

Cassian gripped her hand firmly in his, leading her through a quick spin in the small area they had to work with. They fell into step together almost immediately, and Nesta had to admit they were far more impressive now than they’d been the first time they’d danced together. The steps were innocent enough, leaving plenty of room between their two bodies, and she couldn’t deny being grateful for that. The consequences of the alternative were a little too predictable.

What hadn’t been predictable, unfortunately, were the various obstacles on the floor as they moved. They had started off well enough until Nesta’s foot caught on some foreign object— Cassian’s massive shoe, upon further inspection— sending Nesta flying forward into its owner’s torso. Cassian’s arms wrapped protectively around her immediately as she gripped the sides of his shirt with white knuckles.

“Fuck,” she muttered, her toes throbbing slightly at the impact.

That deep, husky laugh skittered down her spine again, much to Nesta’s irritation. She almost told him as much until his voice sent her reeling.

“Easy killer,” he murmured, his breath fanning over her ear.

Nesta’s entire body heated at hearing his voice so close. There it was again; their curse rearing its ugly head and threatening to derail their weeks of progress. Regardless, she couldn’t bear the thought of pulling away.

Cassian’s strong hands ran up and down her back in a steadying and soothing gesture, but rather than take the opportunity to step back, Nesta’s body betrayed her by melting into his further. She adjusted her grip on his shirt, causing her nails to scrape gently along his ribs and Cassian’s breath to hitch almost imperceptibly. Her head found its natural place against his sternum, and he adjusted to hold her a fraction tighter. Nesta had to fight a whimper at the comfort of his touch.

She moved her arms to wrap him in an appreciative hug, mostly to shift her weight enough to eventually step back. It didn’t hurt that the extra seconds of contact sent her blood racing. As her arms tightened around him, Cassian’s breathing became more labored, and his soothing ministrations against her back became more intense, more purposeful. His fingers pressed into her back and caused her to arch into him, her arms sliding up his own back to grip his shoulder blades. She waited for her own labored breathing to embarrass her, but it never happened.

Nesta bit her lip against the longing in her bones, but nothing seemed to compete with her thoughts. The song that played next was more uptempo, nowhere near in line with how they were currently wrapped around each other, but neither of them seemed to notice. For those seconds, it was nothing but their pained breathing and claiming touches, until Cassian finally snapped them back to reality with a rough clearing of his throat.

“Uhh, Nes,” he began, gripping her shoulders gently. “I’m really sorry. I should— you know.” He nodded his head toward the bathroom. “We have to be up early, and I reek of chlorine.”

The soft smile he gave her was genuine. She missed the warmth of him immediately as he pulled away, but she let him go and nodded her head with a smile of her own. He gathered his things as Nesta settled into the bed she had claimed earlier in the day, wondering how she was going to tame her rogue thoughts enough to ease herself to sleep.

The only thing she knew for certain was that the pool hadn’t been the deepest shit she’d found herself in that night.


	11. Part 10 (Cassian POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for strong language, mentions of abuse, and mild violence.

——————————————————————————

Cassian was somewhere between eager and dreadful as he drove to Nesta’s apartment. He was anxious to move her things out to offer her the benefit of closure, but he’d been warring with himself all morning about his ability to keep a level head within those four walls. He knew enough from what she’d already shared with him, and seeing where it all took place seemed likely to provoke emotions he had been fighting viscerally to repress. The only small blessing was that Nesta had done her research through mutual friends to learn that Tomas was traveling for work, explaining her urgency in wanting to get the move finished so soon. He wouldn’t be caught complaining.

He turned his head to scan her profile whenever he could. She seemed level enough, but Nesta had never been the easiest person to read. Her eyes were trained on the road ahead, her face neutral. Cassian turned his attention quickly back to the road, shaking his head almost imperceptibly to clear his thoughts. The avenue they’d taken as he observed her wasn’t the avenue of friends, and he cursed himself for being so _predictable_.

Their dance the night before had been impulsive and silly, but he would be lying if he denied that it was the highlight of his evening. It felt so natural to laugh together, to hold her close to him. That was the problem.

He had stayed in the shower as long as it had taken him to wrangle his rogue thoughts. That was after he’d kept himself, several times, from abandoning his shower altogether in favor of barging back into the room and slanting his mouth over Nesta’s. He’d been tortured by the way her sodden clothes clung to her body once they left the pool and again by the heat of her body pressed against his in the car to escort Claire home. When Nesta had shifted to move away from him, his hand had reached for her shoulder on its own accord. He’d been afraid that he pushed her too far, that he crossed some kind of unspoken boundary, but his entire body lit up in flames when her hand fell to his knee.

Even then, as he completed such an arbitrary task as signaling his next turn, he fought the urge to reach for her. At that moment, it more a gesture of support than anything to do with his attraction, but he was already flirting a delicate line. How much physical contact was he willing to normalize between them if their fate was to be friends and nothing more? Was he willing to sign up for that level of torture perpetually?

“How you doing, Nes?” Small talk seemed like safe territory; anything to get him out of his damned head.

“Okay,” she breathed, turning to look at him for the first time during their drive. “You?”

His mouth pulled in a half-smile. “I’m okay. You’ll talk to me, yeah?” He let the implication settle in. _If you’re not okay, will you let me be there for you? Will you let me support you through whatever comes next? Will you trust me?_

“Isn’t that the point of you being here?” she countered, but there was no bite to it. In fact, he swore he saw a gentle twitch at the corner of her mouth.

Cassian huffed a laugh. “I only signed up for heavy lifting and being something nice to look at.” He shot a playful wink her way, to which she offered an exaggerated eye roll. “I thought I was going above and beyond with the moral support.”

_Roll your eyes again,_ he wanted to say. _I know other ways to have them doing that same thing._

He refrained for obvious reasons.

Nesta’s voice snapped him roughy into the present. “How... gratuitous.”

“I thought you’d think so.”

Cassian slid into the parking spot in front of her apartment building. He placed the car in park and settled into his seat, waiting for her to make the first move. He didn’t want to rush her.

Nesta released a long, loaded breath in the silence of the car. He turned his head toward her to find her already looking his way. Her blue eyes were determined, maybe glistening a little more than usual, but she wore her mask beautifully.

“Let’s get me the hell out of here.”

—

Blessedly, Nesta didn’t own any of the living furniture, nor did she intend to take her bedroom furniture with her. Cassian was in full support of the plan considering that meant all they needed were a few boxes of her things and some clothes. The pair had successfully packed up anything she needed from her bathroom and the majority of her bedroom. The only things left were her shoes and the clothes hanging in her closet.

“Nes, do you have any trash bags?”

She eyed him skeptically, as if he may take the lot of her stuff and throw it in a dumpster. He rolled his eyes. Nesta tore her eyes away to grab the last of the drawstring bags they’d originally grabbed from the pantry for any trash they found along the way. She passed it to him roughly, her eyes locked on his movements like a hawk.

Cassian moved to her closet and pushed a section of her clothes away from the others. He licked his fingers to create enough traction to get the bag open, glancing up at Nesta beneath his brow to offer her a playful wink. He swore he saw her pupils dilate, but he couldn’t afford to entertain such a thought. He shook the bag roughly to allow the air of the room to finish the job and lowered it around the bottom of the clothes he’d pulled to the side.

“What are you doing?” Her voice was equal parts judgmental and curious.

Rather than answer her, Cassian eased the bag around the clothes and shimmied it up and over the hangers. He pulled roughly at the drawstrings to cinch the bag’s openings around the hangers’ hooks, tying it off in a double knot. Pushing it aside, he sectioned off another chunk before turning to Nesta to offer an explanation.

“This way we won’t have to pack all these up just to re-hang them later. The tie will keep the hangers together, so we’ll be able to grab them by the section, lay them in the car, then hang them up at Claire’s. Saves us some time.”

Nesta’s eyes widened slightly as she processed his words, and he could almost see the evidence of her scanning his plan for weak spots. She must have determined there was nothing noteworthy and shook her head gently. A satisfied, playful smirk donned the elegant planes of her face.

“I’m positive that you’ve never been hotter in your entire life,” she delivered casually, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Cassian threw his head back as he laughed at her joke. The combination of such a bold declaration and her dry delivery tickled him in a way he hadn’t felt in some time, and he relished in the way his stomach tired at the effort. When he mastered himself enough to drop his gaze to hers, Nesta wore a satisfied smirk at her handy work.

“Well,” he countered, “you’ll be beside yourself when I get this closet done in less than 5 minutes.” The way the intrigue colored her face made him want to grip those cheeks and kiss her breathless. “I’ll need more of these to do that though. Could I bother you to go grab the box?”

Nesta chuckled, and Cassian took a second to shamelessly enjoy the sound of it. He felt he was holding himself back successfully enough. He would allow himself that little joy.

“Sure,” she breathed, eyeing him mischievously.

He busied his hands by taping up some of the boxes they’d finished packing minutes before. The loud squeaking of the packing tape was a sound he would be content to never hear again, but the sentiment was overruled by what the sound meant for Nesta. He almost grabbed the marker to label the boxes yet decided against it to avoid hearing Nesta’s complaints of his messy scrawl across the cardboard.

It felt like she was gone a little longer than necessary with the small trek into the kitchen. He wondered if she had found some things there that she realized she needed and thought to go offer a box to her. Upon crossing the threshold of her bedroom; however, he heard voices murmuring back and forth. There was no kindness in either tone, and he bristled immediately in defense.

“Nesta,” he called, not daring to sneak up on her. “Did you need some—“

His footsteps stopped immediately, the blood in his veins running a sharp, painful cold. Nesta stood within the transition from the kitchen to the living room with her eyes locked on the man standing in the entry way. Cassian knew in his bones who stood before them, but he slowly dragged his eyes along the floor to see a suitcase near the figure. He slid his gaze up from the man’s feet, all the way to the sneering face whose eyes were darting between Nesta and Cassian.

Tomas.

The man huffed an impatient laugh at realizing who Cassian was. “Why am I not surprised, Nesta?”

Cassian slid his eyes to her, and he tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans so that no one saw the fists he couldn’t refrain from making. That effort proved even more difficult as he took Nesta in; the way her eyes lined with silver and her shoulders rounded at Tomas’ words. His stomach turned leaden with suppressed emotion, but he committed to allowing her to lead the situation.

No matter how much it pained him to do so.

“Tomas,” she said softly, her voice only a little louder than before. “Please just leave us be. We’ll be out of here in half an hour, tops. By the time you get back, there won’t be any sign we were here.”

Cassian leaned against the frame of the hallway entry, his hands still tucked firmly in his pockets. If he were to pull them out, he knew there would be clear impressions of his fingernails on each of his palms. At Tomas’ incredulous laugh, his eyes snapped to the man’s face of their own accord.

“You’re not seriously asking me to leave our apartment.” _Our apartment._

There was a roaring in Cassian’s ears at his words, regardless of the fact that none of them truly concerned him. The condescension was enough to do it though. He could only imagine the magnitude of how it felt for Nesta.

“Actually, I’m asking you to leave _your_ apartment,” she retorted coldly. “We’re almost done getting my stuff. Please, just leave us alone.”

Tomas crossed his arms as he broadened his stance. He was holding his ground, and Cassian had half a mind to remove him forcefully through the front door. Sweat began to pool along his lower back and the backs of his knees; two other clear indicators of his temper. Tomas was on borrowed time, he realized.

“Cut the bullshit, Nesta. We both know you’re just trying to get a reaction out of me. Well here, you got it. Stop all this so we can talk this over, okay? Please.”

Cassian blinked rapidly at his audacity to ask Nesta for anything. He hoped she wouldn’t take the bait, although Tomas’ mask of innocence was fairly convincing. Nesta’s swallowed thickly at the request, the slight head shake she gave Tomas sending a wave of relief through Cassian’s entire body. He should have known it was a false security.

“Tomas, I can’t, I—“

“What do you mean you can’t? Gods, this is the same bullshit as it always is, isn’t it?” he took several steps in her direction, and Nesta mirrored them to maintain her distance.

Before he realized what he was doing, Cassian pushed off the frame and took several slow steps toward them. Tomas’ advance halted at seeing his approach, and an antagonistic smile took up residence across his face. What Cassian would give to wrap his hands around the fucker’s throat.

“Fucking typical,” Tomas spat toward Nesta. “It’s always him you go back to, isn’t it? Does the bastard know how you use him, how you’ll throw your life away for the crumbs of attention?”

Before Cassian could close the distance, Nesta walked to position herself between the two of them. Reluctant to turn her back on Tomas, she remained facing to the side and turned her head to address each of them.

“Cassian, stop. It’s not worth it,” she breathed, her voice a gentle caress to his senses.

Despite the balm she applied to his temper, his chest heaved with the effort to remain even for her. It seemed as if Tomas knew exactly what buttons to push, and his heart beat savagely against his rib cage with the effort to stay calm. He wanted to take the small steps toward Nesta and pull her roughly into his side to ensure there was no risk to her well-being, but he absolutely refused to manhandle her in such a way. Especially in that very apartment.

He wondered what Tomas’ words meant; if there was any truth to them or if they were meant to provoke Nesta. It wasn’t as if Cassian was ignorant to the toxicity of their on and off coupling, but why would she have shared any of that with Tomas? He felt oddly protective over their time together, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t all that healthy. It was becoming unbearable to keep his feet planted on the carpet instead of unleashing his temper on the prick in front of him.

“It seems I’ve hit a nerve,” Tomas drawled. “Did you think you were something more to her?”

Nesta’s panicked expression broke his heart, and he kept his eyes on hers to assure her he wasn’t breaking. Her chest heaved with her nerves, and Cassian hated that she’d found herself in such a situation. He ignored Tomas’ provocation entirely. It seemed that Nesta didn’t have it in her to do the same.

“Enough,” she hissed. “Leave us alone, and we’ll be on our way.”

Tomas didn’t even glance her direction, his hard glare still fixed on Cassian. “What do you think will happen when you two fly off into the sunset, hm? What happens when you serve as her knight once again, and she wants nothing to do with you later?”

Cassian gritted his teeth, his jaw flickering under the force. Tomas had no way of knowing how fine the line of his temper really was, but if not for Nesta, he would have had Cassian’s hands on him minutes before. Nesta was the prick’s salvation, and he didn’t even have the decency to realize it.

The ire dripped from Tomas’ voice as he continued. “What if you did all this,” he gestured around the room, “only to land in the friend zone again? You’d think you would understand where I was coming from.”

Nesta’s eyes implored Cassian to take the words on the chin, but he’d nearly bitten his tongue clean off at that point. The words bubbled out of him on their own, his voice smooth and lethal.

“If that’s what she wanted, I would respect it when she told me no.”

Tomas had the good sense to pale at Cassian’s clear meaning, but it didn’t stop him from escalating. He made to walk toward Cassian, but Nesta stopped him with a firm hand to his chest. He looked down at her as if he’d forgotten she was present, and Cassian prayed to any god out there that Tomas didn’t react to her interruption. If that happened, it was all over.

“Cassian,” she begged, her voice wobbling with unshed tears. “Go back to the room, and I’ll meet you there. Please.”

He took a couple of steps backward, his glare daring Tomas to do anything he’d regret. He didn’t turn his back just in case, not until Nesta was at a safe distance.

“And you,” she snapped toward Tomas, “stop all this. This has nothing to do with him, and you know it.”

Cassian watched Tomas’ gaze clear a fraction, as if suddenly remembering himself. He turned then, forcing himself to walk to Nesta’s old room to avoid any additional tension, to be one less thing on her list to worry over.

“How fucking dare you,” Tomas scolded.

Cassian’s footfalls froze immediately at the sound.

“You have the nerve to stand here and defend him?”

There was a thrumming in his ears again, all the blood rushing to his torso and causing his arms and legs to tingle uncomfortably. Bile rose to his throat. Nesta didn’t deign to respond, much to Cassian’s relief.

“I don’t know how you could bring him here at all. And the fact that you didn’t even apologize... that you got what you wanted from me; fucked me and left me on that couch to run off to Velaris— to _him_.”

Tomas’ outlandish accusations were Cassian’s undoing. He had refused to react to most things up to that point, but the insinuation that he’d been a victim of Nesta had Cassian reeling. He pivoted swiftly toward the man, his feet carrying him across the apartment in only a few strides. His fist collided with Tomas’ jaw, the sound of skin on skin and the clicking of the man’s teeth bringing a certain peace over him. He knew it was fucked up, but he had zero remorse as he watched Tomas crumple to the ground.

“Cass, wait—“

He was only vaguely aware of Nesta’s voice at that point. That familiar malignancy of his anger was officially piloting every movement he made as he reached down to grip the collar of Tomas’ shirt and hauled him to his feet. He slammed him into the wall of the entry way, the pictures on the walls rattling at the impact.

One of his forearms shifted across Tomas’ throat, pinning him in place against wall. The man’s breaths came out in sharp rasps, and Cassian fought the urge to apply more pressure at the sound of his continued breathing.

A manic, incredulous laugh came from Tomas, blood beginning to drip from his mouth. The sight of it satisfied Cassian’s anger slightly, but he wasn’t sure that it would ever be enough for what he’d done to Nesta.

Tomas’ voice was nothing but a rough croak. “I’m not the enemy here. She’s used us both. That bitch doesn’t deserve your loyalty.”

Cassian saw red at the clear disgust in the man’s voice. How was he supposed to walk away without ripping his head clean off his shoulders?

“That _bitch_ ,” he scorned, the word like ash on his tongue, “is the only reason you’re not already dead.”

Tomas had the good sense gawk at Cassian’s intentional choice of words. It only spurred him on, his nostrils flaring and his voice taking on that characteristic calm.

“You don’t speak to her. You don’t look in her general direction. As far as you’re concerned, you never knew her.” Cassian paused to let his demands sink in, Tomas’ eyes scanning his face furiously. He couldn’t resist pulling him from the wall slightly to throw him against it once more for emphasis. “If I hear anything to the contrary, I won’t hesitate. That’s a fucking promise.”

The man nodded, and despite the instincts roaring under his skin, Cassian let him go. He shoved him toward the front door for good measure, and Tomas barely paused to grab his keys before walking out. Cassian eased his eyes closed as he tried to process the events of the day, but no sense would come. He was still so angry, nearly compelled to follow the sorry piece of shit and finish what he started. He knew it wasn’t productive, but everything in him _wanted_ it.

Rather than do something that would surely land him in prison, Cassian pivoted to walk back toward Nesta’s room. He couldn’t bear to look at her for fear that she was angry or upset by his actions, so he kept his head dipped as he made his way. Once through the door, an overwhelming feeling of nausea swept over him, causing him to increase his pace to make it to her small bathroom. He rested his palms against the toilet seat, head bowed, as he waited.

He didn’t know he was capable of the visceral hatred he felt for that son of a bitch.

A choked sound came from the back of his throat as he heaved, but the vomit didn’t come. He shifted to rest his palms on either side of the sink, forcing himself to haul air into his lungs to steady his pulse. Once vomiting wasn’t such an immediate threat, he splashed cold water over his face and neck, hissing at the sting of the chill against his split knuckles.

Nesta stood within the doorway of her room once he emerged. Cassian eased himself onto the edge of her bed, resting his elbows on his knees to cradle his head in his large hands. What would she think of him now? He wanted her to trust him, yet he resorted to violence within the same walls that she’d fallen victim to it. What as wrong with him?

He forced his fingers into his hair, gripping tightly at the root. Gentle fingers pried his hands from the top of his head, and he opened his eyes to see Nesta kneeling before him. Her eyes were lined with silver, but no tears fell. Regardless, he hated himself for being the cause.

With rapt attention, she assessed the damage to his knuckles. She must have deemed them okay enough, lowering his hand to his knee so that she could take his face softly in her hands. He was forced to look into her eyes, his own eyes brimming with tears at the understanding he saw there. Her thumbs stroked each of his cheeks to soothe him, and he closed his eyes to focus on her touch.

“I’m so sorry, Nesta,” he whispered, his voice shaky.

“Don’t you apologize. I thought he was supposed to be gone through Monday. It’s me that put you in this situation.”

Cassian’s hands raised to gently grasp her forearms, his thumbs rubbing delicately at the sensitive skin of her wrists. He opened his eyes to look at her again.

“No. I forced that, too, and all I’ve done now is make a bigger mess for you.”

Her face crumpled at the emotion and self-deprecation in his voice. She pulled his face down to her shoulder, and he wrapped her tightly in a hug as she cradled his head. After several moments, her soft voice sounded through the room.

“Do you know how lucky I am to have someone defend me that way? I’ll never hold that against you, Cass. Never.”

Something in him broke at her words, causing a tear to roll from his eye onto her shirt. Damning everything, their friendship and boundaries included, he turned to tuck his face into the side of her neck.

Nesta’s breath hitched at the feel of his skin against hers. She held him tighter, and he wrapped his arms more snugly around her waist. At some point, she began running her fingers through his wavy hair, and he had to fight back a purr at the action. Her scent combined with the silence of the room seemed to bring Cassian off the ledge, but even so, he was reluctant to let her go.

His heart tugged when he felt her pull away from him, but he was immediately comforted to see that she was merely shifting to be more comfortable. His height meant she was stretched to wrap her arms around his neck with her back arched, and it appeared that the position wasn’t going to work long term. He leaned back slightly to make room, and she slid onto one of his thighs, wrapping an arm around his neck once more. Cassian leaned into her warmth heavily and laced his fingers around her hips.

Eyes locked on the floor in front of him, he felt his darkest confession rising into his throat. The comfort of her wrapped around him gave him the illusion of safety, as if there was nothing off-limits. He took a deep breath to steady his voice as much as possible.

“I could have killed him.”

She was quiet for a moment.

“Okay.” The word was noncommittal, nearly dismissive. That hadn’t been the reaction he expected.

“I tried. I was going to walk away... but when he made it sound like all of this was on you, I don’t know. I snapped.” His voice was starting to lose some of the bravado he’d worked so hard to manage. “If you hadn’t been there, I’m afraid of what I would have done.”

Her free hand cupped his cheek, easing his face toward hers. Her blue eyes were earnest as she spoke. “I’m not. You credit me, but I did nothing to stop you. You pulled yourself away from him, no one else.” Cassian opened his mouth to argue, but she increased the pressure against his cheek. “Your anger is not who you are. It’s a part of you, one you struggle with everyday, but you are so much more. Do you understand?”

Her voice had elements of a reprimand, but her meaning was simple. She wouldn’t tolerate Cassian thinking anything less of himself, and he wasn’t sure he deserved her high opinion. Nesta had left no room for argument, so rather than try, he tucked his face into her neck once more. Her hand fell to the side of his neck, the warmth of it easing his pulse closer to baseline.

His voice was merely a whisper. “There’s very little I wouldn’t do to keep you safe.”

Her thumb rubbed steadying circles against his skin. “I know.”

They held each other for another minute before Nesta finally pulled away from him. “We only have a little while before he shows up. Let’s work your magic on that closet.” She patted his knee for emphasis.

Cassian chuckled, his breaths coming a little easier at her light-hearted shift in attention.

“You sure you can handle it? I would hate to overwhelm your sensibilities.”

Her answer was deadpan, but her half-smile gave her away.

“I think I’ll manage just fine.”

—

They had managed to finish loading the vehicle before Tomas returned, although Cassian had a feeling the man wouldn’t come home until he saw that their car was gone. The ride to Claire’s was quiet, but it was the comfortable kind. Early in the drive, Nesta extended her arm to rest a supportive hand on Cassian’s shoulder, and he didn’t resist leaning into her touch.

Claire was home and prepared to help them unload all of Nesta’s things into her spare room. Cassian wondered if she would be any less candid with him without the alcohol as a buffer, but she was just as warm as the day before. The normalcy of the interaction was exactly what he needed to feel like he’d fully recovered from the earlier conflict.

Nesta staged her things in Claire’s spare room, nice and neat within one of the corners. Once she was finished, the three of them sat around Claire’s small, circular dining room table to share a pizza. Cassian hadn’t noticed how hungry he was until the food was presented, and he felt great affection for his new friend at the sight.

“Will you marry me?” he joked, bringing a slice to his mouth. He offered a wink for good measure.

“Aw, Cass. I’m afraid not.”

Cassian clutched his chest dramatically at her obvious refusal, but he would take the rejection a hundred times over to hear Nesta’s gentle laugh at their antics. He turned his eyes toward hers to see a faint blush on her cheeks, the sheer perfection of her clutching tightly at his chest.

Fuck.

“Speaking of marriage,” Nesta began, “Claire, how do you feel about being my plus one to a wedding in Velaris?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. “I’m there. Whose wedding? And when?”

“Well, that’s the thing. The wedding is next weekend.”

Nesta was wringing her hands at the late notice, and Cassian knew it bothered her to put someone on the spot. Claire didn’t seem the least bit deterred, though.

“I can actually make that work,” she assured her, her mouth full of pizza.

“Perfect!”

Cassian ignored the pang of disappointment at the topic of conversation; it wasn’t as though he and Nesta had any plans to accompany each other to Amren’s wedding. At least Claire being her date was far preferred to her bringing any romantic interest, he thought, and immediately chastised himself for it.

“It’s our friend Amren’s wedding. I’ll book us a room at the hotel so we can stay together. Unless you meet someone, in which case I’ll sleep at Feyre and Rhysand’s house,” Nesta teased.

Claire rolled her eyes. “The whole appeal of going is to spend time with you.”

It was Nesta’s turn to roll her eyes at Claire’s affection, but Cassian saw the gleam in her eye that showed that she was touched. A part of him ached at the idea that she received so little genuine affection and appreciation that it made her sheepish. He wished that he’d always spent this much time seeing her through this lens and paying such close attention.

He could have been so much more for her if he had. May the gods help him if he ever got the chance to be that for her again.

**Author's Note:**

> Is There Somewhere– Halsey
> 
> You were dancing in your tube socks in our hotel room
> 
> Flashing those eyes like highway signs
> 
> Light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder
> 
> I just wanna feel your lips against my skin
> 
> White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the night life
> 
> You told me this is right where it begins
> 
> But your lips hang heavy underneath me
> 
> And I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me
> 
> I’m trying not to let it show, that I don’t want to let this go
> 
> Is there somewhere you can meet me?
> 
> 'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings
> 
> And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing
> 
> You’re writing lines about me; romantic poetry
> 
> Your girl’s got red in her cheeks, 'cause we’re something she can’t see
> 
> And I try to refrain but you’re stuck in my brain
> 
> And all I do is cry and complain because second’s not the same
> 
> I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight
> 
> I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight
> 
> You’re looking like you fell in love tonight
> 
> Could we pretend that we’re in love?
> 
> (X2)


End file.
